1 of 1- Machismo
- Administrator
Offline - Registered: 12/06/2019
- Posts: 1,631
Tack House
Tack and his wife Amy sat together in their dimly lit kitchen. Neither of them looked happy with the situation, Tack especially.
Tack: I don't know honey, if that's how you really feel, maybe we should see somebody.
Amy: I don't know Tack, I'm just so tired.
Tack: I'm not asking that much of you. I mean, I read all of the books you told me to, and that's not working. What's wrong with seeing a professional?
Amy: I don't know if I even want to Tack.
Tack: What?
As they spoke, a man in a banana hammock thong walked up behind them and opened the fridge.
Trevor: Drats! Where'd the chili con carne go?
Tack: Trevor! Can we please have a private moment here!?
Trevor: Oh snap! I didn't see you there. Sorry!
*audience Laughter*
The next day Trevor was sitting on the couch, in a Hawaiian shirt, with his sandals on the couch, as he played a video game on his phone.
Trevor: Come on Sarge, discipline those recruits! Yeah!
Tack: *on the other side of the front door* Hey, a little help Trevor?
Trevor: Yeah just a second.
Tack: *on the other side of the front door* I got a lot of groceries here.
Trevor: I SAID JUST A SECOND! I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING IMPORTANT HERE!
Tack: I got it! I opened it myself. *sigh*
*audience applause*
Trevor: Sorry, I'm just trying to beat this final level of Ultimate Drill Sergeant.
Tack: Gotcha. Well, I'm back from my daily errands.
Trevor: Now maybe Amy won't yell at you. You actually did something today.
*audience laughter*
Tack: Hey now, I try to do something everyday I'll have you know.
Trevor: Yeah, try and get in her pants.
*audience laughter*
Tack: Very funny Trevor. You know she's a busy lady. She's a cop with a backlog of cases.
Trevor: Right, and you're her out of work house husband.
*audience laughter*
Tack: The job market isn't the best right now for a guy like me. It gives me time to get the important things done around the house here.
Trevor: Right. Hey, did you get my back pills?
Tack: Yep, Stopped at the pharmacy for ya, no problem.
Trevor: Ok, don't forget I need to take those with milk.
Tack: Gotcha. Pills and milk everyday. Uh-huh. It IS great having my old friend from school living in the house. Using your money from that lawsuit to help pay the mortgage while I'm out of a job.
Trevor: I knew testing stuff for the military was gonna pay off for me somehow!
*audience laughter*
Trevor: So what's the plan for lunch?
Tack: Thinking about heating up some of my leftover lasagna.
Trevor: Oh yeah!
Tack: Yeah!
*audience laughter*
Trevor: You know I love me some leftover lasagna.
Tack: It's just better the next day. It's even better the day after that!
Trevor: And then a week later it's perfection!
*audience laughter*
Tack: That's when all the flavor sets in!
*audience laughs harder*
Trevor: That's what I'm talking about!
Tack: Hey, do you mind taking your sandals off the couch?
Trevor: I'm sorry what?
Tack: I need you to take your dirty feet off the couch. You know Amy hates that.
Trevor: Dude, they're not dirty. I just cleaned them with baby wipes.
Tack: You did what? Look, just take them off please?
Trevor: Alright alright alright alright! Jeez!
Trevor took his feet off the couch, but the moment Tack went into the kitchen he put them bck where they were.
*audience laughter*
Tack went to drop off the groceries only to find Amy scooping the lasagna into the trash can.
*shock from the audience*
Tack: Amy! What are you doing?
Amy: This huge pan was taking up way too much space in the fridge! Plus, I think this has gone bad, like really bad.
*audience laughter*
Tack: That was not bad. Everyone knows a week in the fridge helps develop the flavors for a perfect lasagna. Now what am I supposed to do?
Amy: Well, I'm sure you will figure it out. You know, I don't appreciate having to clean up after you everyday. That fridge is a mess!
Tack: Amy, I'm trying, I mean that. Listen, do you think we could talk about us?
Amy: I don't know. We're real close to a big break in the Ortega murder.
Tack: I thought that was a cold case.
Amy: What the hell do you know about my job? Ugh. Whatever. *cocks gun* Don't wait up for me.
Tack: You walk around with the gun cocked? Wait Amy. Amy?
Amy: Trevor! Feet off the couch!
*audience laughter*
Trevor: Huh?
Amy: Feet! Off!
*audience laughter*
Trevor: Alright! Alright! Have fun playing cops and robbers! Catchin' jaywalkers!
*audience laughter*
As Amy left the house, a black man in slacks and polo shirt walked in.
*audience applause*
Amy: Out of my way Swift!
Swift: Whoa! She got places to be!
Trevor: Swift! How was work today?
Swift: Got laid off again!
Trevor: Aw man.
Swift: There's just no place for a hardworkin' fool no more!
Trevor: You DO have a tendency to attack the customers!
*audience laughter*
Swift: Yeah well, that's their problem. I think I'm gonna go upstairs, take a shower, and dig into some of that awesome lasagna.
Trevor: Yeah-ha-ha-ha! Lasagna!
Swift: You know I don't even care if it's monday, cause this cat wants some!
*audience laughter*
Tack: Sorry guys, no lasagna.
Swift: What?!
Tack: Amy tossed it out.
Trevor: Why would she throw it out!? It makes no sense! It's better the next week!
Swift: I was going to unhinge my jaw and shovel down that awesome lasagna!
*audience laughter*
Tack: Sorry to disappoint you, but I've got your pills AND milk.
Trevor: Thank you.
Tack: So listen, I was on the phone earlier, and I was talking to my sister about my nephew Aiden. He's having a really bad time at school. MAJOR discipline problems. He bit a teacher, he bit a kid, he-
Trevor: He BIT a kid?
Tack: Yeah. Aiden bit that baby boy bad.
*audience laughter*
Trevor: Hmmm.
Tack: So I suggested that Aiden come and stay with us for a few days. Give her a break and maybe help him out too.
Trevor: It's funny, because with my time in the army and time spent playing this stupid phone game about a drill sergeant, I feel like I am perfectly equipped to teach this boy some discipline.
Tack: Now you're using your head.
Trevor: I'm gonna grind him into shape!
*audience laughter*
Later on, Tack was reading a magazine on the couch when a creepy, older bald man with spectacles came down from the stairs with a basket of clothes.
Tack: Hey hey, it's Ted Nelson. You doing a load?
Ted Nelson: No, I'm doing the laundry.
*audience laughter*
Tack: Yeah, that's what I said.
Ted Nelson: You said load.
*audience laughter*
Tack: Yes, a LOAD of laundry.
Ted Nelson: You mean take a dump?
*audience laughter*
Tack: No, that's DROPPING a load.
Ted Nelson: These nasty sheets are dirty from a different kind of load, involving watching the girl from across the street clean her pool.
*audience laughter*
Tack: TMI Ted, but thanks I guess.
Trevor: So Tack, I just spent three hours in the tub, and I was thinking if this works, we could turn this house into the Tack House Bad Boys Boot Camp!
Tack: That's a great idea. We could charge for it, and I could finally contribute to the bills around here!
*ding dong*
Trevor and Tack: Speak of the devil!
*audience laughter*
Tack: It's Aiden! Welcome to the Tack House Aiden!
A young, unassuming boy with a sad face walked into the room.
*awws from the audience*
Tack: I'd like to introduce you to Uncle Trevor!
Aiden: Hi Uncle Trevor.
Trevor: You're not gonna be calling me Uncle Trevor! You're gonna be calling me sir! Do you understand me?
Aiden: Yes.
Trevor: Yes what?!
Aiden: Yes sir.
Tack: Wow, it's working already!
*audience laughter*
Trevor: Now, we're gonna have some RULES around this Tack House! First off, you're gonna wake up at 6am every morning. You're gonna make your bed, and you're gonna salute the flag! You understand THAT!
Aiden: Yes sir.
Trevor: Then come over here and give me a firm handshake! See Tack, this is going to work out just fi-
Aiden then pulled out a switchblade and stabbed Trevor in the leg repeatedly.
Trevor: AHHH!
Aiden: Grrr!
Trevor: ARGHAAAAHH!!!
Tack: AIDEN!
Trevor: GET HIM OFF ME! GET HIM OFF ME!
Tack picked up Aiden as he continued to try and stab at the profusely bleeding Trevor.
*audience laughter*
Tack: OH NO! WHAT'D YOU DO TO TREVOR?!
Trevor: HE GOT AN ARTERY! HE GOT SOMETHING BAD!
*audience laughter*
Swift ran downstairs quickly.
Swift: What the hell's going on down here?!
Tack: AIDEN'S A BAD BABY BOY! Lock him in the bathroom!
Swift: You come with me you little monster!
*audience laughter*
Trevor: I'm bleeding out Tack!
Tack: Oh no! What do I do?! What do I do?! Ted Nelson! Get me something to stop the bleeding with!
Ted Nelson: You want this?
Tack: Is that your dirty laundry?
Ted Nelson: Uh-huh!
Tack: Get 'em out of here! That would give him a staph infection!
*audience laughter*
Trevor: Grrr! I'm gonna limp myself to urgent care. When I come back, I'm gonna show Aiden who's boss around here! Ya hear me?! I'M COMING FOR YOU BOY! I'M COMING FOR YOOOOU!
*audience laughter*
Swift tossed Aiden into the bathroom and grabbed a bat, to keep him at bay until he shut the door and barricaded it.
Swift: You're a bad bad boy, you know that?!
*audience laughter*
Swift: I can't believe you stabbed Uncle Trevor!
Aiden: I can't believe you were going to eat garbage lasagna.
Swift: What?! How do you know that!
Aiden: You left it here with me. It says "Swift's Trash Lasagna", and you drew a mean face on it.
*audience laughter*
Swift: Don't you eat that trash lasagna! It's mine!
Aiden: I wouldn't eat out of the trash. What do you think I am? A dog?
Swift: You're acting like a dog, that's for sure!
Later on, Trevor limped into the hallway, heavily bandaged on his leg.
Trevor: Thanks for the lookout duty Swift, but take five. Uncle Trevor is going to handle this.
Trevor grabbed the bat and kicked open the door to the bathroom. Aiden backed into the tub and cowered in fear.
Trevor: AHHHH! Not so tough now are ya?!
*audience laughter*
Trevor: You think you can stab an army veteran with PTSD and get away with it?!
*audience laughter*
Aiden: *crying* I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.
Trevor: Wha-what?
*awws from the audience*
Trevor: I-it's alright Aiden. Stop crying please. Listen I-I know it's hard being a kid. Let me just give ya hug here and-
Aiden pulled out a switchblade and started stabbing Trevor in the arm.
Trevor: Eh?! AHHH! HEY! HE'S GOT ANOTHER KNIFE! HEEEEELP!
*audience laughter*
Later on, the bathroom was heavily barricaded. A more bandaged Trevor sat in the living room with Tack, Swift, and Ted Nelson.
Trevor: Tack, it's official, Aiden's gotta go.
Tack: You know, I think you're right. I just wish….I just wish Tim Johnson were here, he's know what to do.
Swift: He's on a spiritual retreat, man. NO contact at all. He's not even on the grid!
Suddenly, the door opened, and Tim Johnson walked into the room.
*huge audience applause*
Trevor: Hey look who it is!
Tim Johnson: I felt that Trevor was in danger, so I have returned from my vision quest.
*audience laughter*
Trevor: We've got big problems here Tim Johnson. We need your help badly.
Tim Johnson: I've been studying Aiden's mind waves. I can visualize them. I can see them clear as day. Aiden's hurting inside.
*awws from the audience*
Tim Johnson: He's not an evil boy. He just needs love.
Tack: That makes a lot of sense. Trevor, your hard approach is just not working. I think he needs a gentler touch.
Trevor: You're right, but Tim Johnson, how do we do it?
Tim Johnson: There's a shortcut. I can remap his brain, erase those memories, and get him back on the right track. I just need…to concentrate.
*audience laughter*
Tim's eyes rolled into the back on his head as he floated slightly above the ground. A gust of wind blew through the room. In the bathroom, Aiden's eyes also rolled into the back of his head as the lights flickered on and off. The pain and anguish inside of him was erasing one memory at a time. An evil mind demon crawled out of his mouth and escaped through the toilet.
*oohs from the audience*
Tim Johnson: It is finished! Bring him to me!
Trevor: Alright Tim Johnson we trust you. After all you are Tim Johnson….Tim Johnson.
*audience laughter*
Swift opened the barricaded door and stepped back after opening it.
Trevor: Everyone be on guard!
Aiden stepped out of the bathroom and into the living room. Everyone stood ready for an attack.
*audience laughter*
Ted Nelson: Uhoh, here comes the bad boy! He's got another knife!
Aiden held up yet another switchblade, but this time he dropped it to the floor.
Tack: Tim Johnson, it worked!
Aiden: I don't feel angry or sad anymore!
Tack: Incredible! I knew letting a mind guru friend of Trevor's live in my house was a good idea!
Aiden: I'm sorry I stabbed you Uncle Trevor, and this time, I mean it.
*awws from the audience*
Aiden: Handshake?
Trevor: …How about a hug?
*louder awws and applause from the audience*
The group all hugged Aiden and held him up.
Swift: Hey, what do you say we all make Aiden here a permanent resident of the Tack House! All in favor, say aye!
Swift, Trevor, Tack, Ted Nelson, and Tim Johnson: AYE! AIDEN! AIDEN! AIDEN!
Amy opened the door to see the Tack Boys lifting up Aiden into the air.
Tack: Guys! Guys! Shhh! Hey honey!
*audience laughter*
Amy: …..
Tack: We had a pretty exciting day here at the Tack House. Aiden came over, and Trevor did a little tough love approach on him, but after the stabbings Tim Johnson came back from his vision quest and remapped his mind to purge the evil mind demons out.
*audience laughter*
Trevor: We just took a vote, and Aiden's gonna become a permanent member of the Tack House!
Amy: I don't care. I do not care. I've just had a long day. All I want is some peace and quiet. Can we do that please?
Trevor: Sure.
Tack: Alright honey.
*audience laughter*
Amy: I'm going upstairs.
Tack: I-I'll be up later.
Amy: *sigh* If you have to.
Tack: …..
Amy: Why is there a knife on the floor?
Trevor, Aiden, Swift, Tim Johnson, and Ted Nelson: UH-OH!
*freeze frame* *laughter and applause from the audience*
Last edited by Machismo (3/06/2024 6:23 am)
- Machismo
- Administrator
Offline
- Registered: 12/06/2019
- Posts: 1,631
Re: Tack House
We find Tack, alone in the living room, trying in vain to assemble some furniture. Amy barges in after a long day of work.
*audience applause*
Amy: Tack, are you STILL working on that?!
Tack: I'm trying my best!
Amy: Seriously, do you need help?
Tack: No, no, I got it this time! *struggling* See? Almost there.
Trevor, Tack's carefree and eccentric friend, wearing a loud Hawaiian shirt and sandals, strolls in.
*audience applause*
Trevor: Hey hey, what's with the commotion in here?
Amy: My husba- *sigh* Tack is trying some DIY, and failing…again.
*audience laughter*
Trevor: Ah, the joys of homeownership. Why build when you can just buy ready-made?
*audience laughter*
Tack put the last piece together, and stood back as the cabinet fell to pieces.
*louder audience laughter*
Tack: Yeah, maybe you're right.
Amy: *sigh* Useless.
Tack: I'M TRYING! AMY I'M TRYING! GOD HELP ME!
*even louder audience laughter*
Tack was now working on another project. The calendar on the wall showed that Easter was on the horizon, and Tack was decorating an egg.
Tack: Amy this one is for you. The blue symbolizes your carefree nature, and the gold symbolizes our love, the purest element. The ruby represents your pure and gentle heart.
*awws from the audience*
Trevor: *in the other room* Tack! Get in here buddy! It's time!
Tack: I'll be right in! Hehe, this is going to be perfect!
*audience laughter*
Tack ran into the room, as the Tack Boys sat around a table full of Easter decorations.
Tack: Ok team, it's time to plan our Easter Extravaganza!
Swift: Just promise us no more DIY disaster Tack.
*audience laughter*
Tack: Nope, just egg-citing fun! Get it? Egg-citing?
*audience laughter*
Trevor: *raising an eyebrow* Pun game strong, Tack.
Tack: Hey Ted Nelson, why are you already dressed like the Easter Bunny?
*audience laughter*
Ted Nelson: I was just in the spirit!
Trevor: More like it's laundry day, and he didn't have anything clean!
Ted Nelson: Weeeeell…
*audience laughter*
Tack: This all looks great guys. Easter is very important in the Tack House. I mean Amy and I got married on this very holiday! I mean, she forgets most years, but it's important to both of us. This means a lot to me. Trevor, you're my best friend.
Trevor: Hey alright! You're one of my friends too!
Tack: …
*audience laughter*
Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.
Tack: Huh, now who could that be?
Tim Johnson: I see a figure from the past in my mind.
Trevor: I'll get that!
Trevor opened the door to see a ginger man in army fatigues at the door.
Army Man: Atten-HUT!
Trevor: Dougie?!
Dougie: That's Corporal Dougie to you soldier!
Trevor: You son of a gun! Why didn't you tell me you were in town? What a great surprise! Everybody, this is my old army buddy Dougie! We used to serve together back in the war! I love this guy more than anybody! In fact, HE'S MY BEST FRIEND!
Dougie: What the…hell is going on in here?
Tack: I can explain that. Hi, I'm Tack.
Tack stood up and extended his hand, but Dougie just looked at him.
*ooohs from the audience*
Tack: Uh…you just caught us in the middle of our Easter planning. We're getting ready for the big Tack House Easter Egg Hunt.
Dougie: Bunch of dudes dressed up all weird?
Ted Nelson: *salutes*
*audience laughter*
Dougie: Tack House? You guys call it the Tack House?
Tack: Ye-
Trevor: No no no! It's not a Tack House believe me. Sometimes we call it a Tack House, but more as a joke. More of a derogatory term. If we called it a Tack House it would suck.
Suddenly, a stunned Amy walked into the room and dropped her phone and purse.
Amy: I thought I recognized that voice.
Dougie: …Amy? Amy Dungerson? Oh my goodness.
Dougie and Amy stepped closed towards each other.
Tim Johnson: *whispering to Ted Nelson* I sense chemistry between these two.
Ted Nelson: Yeah obviously.
Amy and Dougie happily embraced.
*ooohs from the audience*
Tack: What the hell's going on here?
Trevor: Hey hey hey! Haha, break it up you two.
Amy: Dougie and I were high school sweethearts. Then, he went off to the war, and I thought he was killed.
Dougie: You still look so fine baby!
Tack: Well this amazing person decided to marry me. That's the situation now.
Amy: Technically, he's correct.
Trevor: So Dougie, how long you planning on staying huh? You gotta stick around for awhile!
Dougie: Welp, I was hoping I could post up here for a couple months, you know, if it's not an imposition.
Amy: *nodding yes excitedly*
*audience laughter*
Tack: Yeah no can do Dougie. No rooms available.
Dougie: No problem! I can set my tent up in the living room here. You won't even notice I'm around.
Trevor: Hey, that sounds great! All in favor of Dougie staying here for as long as he wants say "aye."
Trevor, Amy, Ted Nelson, Tim Johnson, Swift: Aye!
Swift: It'll be an honor to have you in the Tack Ho- oops, I mean…OUR house.
*audience laughter*
The next morning, at the crack of dawn.
The sound of the bugle shook Tack awake suddenly.
*audience laughter*
Tack: What was that?!
Tack and the rest of the Tack Boys ran down to find the living room converted into a barracks-like environment, with Dougie blowing a bugle.
Dougie: Move it! Move it! Move it!
Trevor: Haha! This takes me back! Remember when you blew out my ear drum that one time? Classic Dougie!
*audience laughter*
Tack: What did you do to my living room? This place is a mess!
Dougie: Well, I just wanted to bring back a little old-fashioned discipline to these weaklings here.
Tack: Dougie, this is where the Easter egg hunt is every year. What am I supposed to do with all of this?
Dougie: Speaking of eggs, I've been meaning to ask you. Why don't you and Amy have any kids? I mean you got bad sperm buddy?
*audience laughter*
Ted Nelson: Tack has bad sperm. Hahaha!
Swift: *snorts*
Tack: Hey! My sperm, and my wife's eggs are none of your business.
Dougie: Oh, 10-4! Gotcha….right.
Tack: Alright, the Easter egg hunt is in two hours. I need to hide the eggs, so you guys get back to sleep!
Dougie: Oh you heard him soldiers! Move out!
Trevor, Swift, Ted Nelson, and Tim Johnson ran back to their rooms, while Dougie laid back down in his tent. Tack tried his best to hide the eggs among Dougie's military equipment.
Tack: Uh…great. I guess…under this helmet?
*audience laughter*
Two hours later, everyone was back in the living room, dressed in gaudy pastel colors, as they kept their eyes closed.
Tack: Welcome to the annual Easter egg hunt!
Trevor, Swift, Ted Nelson, and Tim Johnson: Yay!
*audience laughter*
Tack: You guys know the drill. On three, you open your eyes, pull out your egg telescopes, and find those eggs! One, two, three! Good luck!
Trevor: Alright, let's get this party started!
Swift: Come on now. Come to Swifty baby.
Ted Nelson: I'm looking for you sexy eggs.
Tim Johnson: I am not seeing any eggs.
Trevor: You really hid these eggs well. I can't find one darn egg!
*audience laughter*
Tack: I hid at least three dozen eggs in this army mess.
Tim Johnson: This is the worst egg hunt ever.
Swift: *sniff sniff* But hey, something sure smells good.
Tack: Huh? *sniff sniff* Oh no! Those are my eggs!
Tack and the Tack Boys ran into the kitchen to see Dougie frying up all of the eggs.
Tack: *screaming* Ahhh! Dougie! What are you doing?!
Dougie: Atten-hut you maggots!
*audience laughter*
Dougie: It's chow time!
Tack: You cooked all my fancy eggs I was using for the egg hunt!
Dougie: Enemies are for hunting. Eggs are for eating.
Tack: You ruined my eggs! You ruined my house! Now you're ruining Easter!
Trevor: Hey!
Trevor ran up and slapped Tack.
*ooohs from the audience*
Trevor: What's the matter with you huh? That's my best friend Dougie you're talking to! Now we all love the Easter egg hunt, and it's a lot of fun, but this guy has seen some real stuff! He just got out of the war, and I think it's very nice that he made us eggs for Easter breakfast!
Dougie: Trev, I made 'em like in the war.
Trevor: Yeah?
Dougie: One pinch of gunpowder!
Trevor: Two shots of moonshine!
Dougie and Trevor: And a little bit of elbow grease!
*audience laughter*
Dougie: Now let's eat!
Trevor: Let's dig in!
Swift: Well I'd hate to let all these eggs go to waste.
Trevor: That's right!
Later that day, Amy was preparing for another day on the force.
Tack: Amy, you forgot your badge.
Amy: Tack? What's the matter with you?
Tack: It's Dougie. I just hate his freaking guts.
*audience laughter*
Tack: He ruined the egg hunt, and now he's living here, and I just don't like it.
Amy: Sounds to me like you're making a big deal out of nothing. I'll see you later.
Tack: Uh Amy? You still forgot your badge.
*audience laughter*
Amy: Oh right. Tha-
Tack: Wait, what's that?
Amy: What?
Tack: That ring on your finger.
Amy: Oh this? Dougie gave it to me. Our old class ring. It's nothing.
Tack: What?!
Amy: We were talking and reminiscing on old times. We spent all night talking, and then he gave it to me. No big deal!
Tack: You're my wife, and you're wearing another man's ring!
Amy: Look, I gotta go. I'll see you later.
Tack: WHAT IS HAPPENING TO MY LIFE?!
*audience laughter*
Later in the day, Trevor was walking down the hallway upstairs, when he heard noises from Tack's bedroom. Knowing he was downstairs, Trevor peeked inside. He found Dougie rummaging through dresser drawers, smelling Amy's underwear.
*ooohs from the audience*
Trevor: Dougie, what are you doing? This room is off limits.
Dougie: I was just uh…it's fine. That's fine.
Trevor: It's fine?
Dougie: Yeah, let's talk a little bit.
Trevor: Okay?
Dougie: What have you been up to lieutenant?
Trevor: Oh geez, you know, actually I've been working on my music.
Dougie: Heavy metal?
Trevor: Nah, it's all ukulele stuff now. I got this whole tropical vibe to hide the crippling PTSD ya know?
*audience laughter*
Dougie: I know PTSD….all too well. Well let me hear some. You're a genius at this stuff after all.
Trevor: Alright…uh…I was preparing this one for Tack, as an Easter surprise. *tunes up ukulele* ♫ Easter bunny's coming, better get your basket! The eggs are coming quickly, reach out and grab it. I-♫
Dougie: What the hell happened to you man?
Trevor: What do you mean?
Dougie: You went soft. I am EMBARRASSED to have been platoon brothers with you.
Trevor: Cause of a song?
*audience laughter*
Trevor: Sorry Dougie, I'm not living in the past like you, and I'm sorry you don't like my song.
Dougie: No, I hate it!
Trevor: Well then maybe you should deploy out of here!
*ooohs from the audience*
Dougie: Oh yeah?
Trevor: Yeah.
Dougie: Oh, I'm not going anywhere. I got myself a nice little situation right here, and once I get Amy back, it's gonna be MY DOUGIE HOUSE AND MY DOUGIE RULES! THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!
Out in the hallway, Tack, Swift, and Tim Johnson all had their ears to the door.
*audience laughter*
Swift: Dang, Tack House has officially been occupied by enemy forces. We need to deploy some evasive measures quick!
Tack: Maybe we should give that army boy a taste of his own medicine.
Later that night, Dougie was sleeping in his tent. Suddenly, the tent shook and loud noises filled the living room.
Dougie: Whoa! Whoa! What the hell's going on?!
Trevor: Dougie! Dougie! Did you hear?! They hit the base camp! There's 450,000 people dead!
Dougie: What?!
Trevor: The army is saying anyone with a uniform needs to deploy immediately!
Dougie: I can't! I can't! I can't go back!
Trevor: Yes you can! You have to!
Dougie: I can't do it! I can't do it!
Trevor: YOU MADE AN OATH!
Dougie: I'M SCARED! I'M SCARED! I CAN'T GO BACK!
In the kitchen, Swift, Ted Nelson, and Tim Johnson were working the sound and light controls, while Tack spoke on the walkie.
*audience laughter*
Tack: Alright Trevor, everything is green! I repeat, you are a go for phase two!
*louder audience laughter*
Back in the living room a weeping Dougie was being forced back into his uniform by Trevor, who handed him his helmet and gun.
Trevor: Get out the door and go to the forward base! I'll meet you there!
Dougie: I'M TOO SCARED!
Trevor: THAT'S AN ORDER CORPORAL!
Dougie: *looking at his gun* …Alright…I know what to do.
Trevor shoved Dougie out of the house and slammed the door. The rest of the Tack Boys ran into the room to celebrate.
*audience laughter and applause*
Trevor: We did it!
Tack: It worked!
Trevor: I knew it would! Genius plan Tack! You used his PTSD against him! He'd believe anything cause he was too scared to question it!
*audience laughter*
Swift: He made some good eggs, but I'm glad that dipwad is out of here!
*louder audience laughter*
Trevor: Listen, I need to apologize for my buddy Dougie. He ruined the egg hunt, and he tried to ruin your marriage.
Tack: And he said horrible things about your music.
Trevor: I know, and for me, that was crossing the line. The good news is, I learned who my real best friend is.
Tack: Yeah?
Trevor: It's Swift!
Swift: It is?!
*audience laughter*
Trevor: Psych! It's you Tack!
Tack: Wow! Thanks buddy, I-
Suddenly a loud gunshot erupted from the front yard.
Tack: What was-
Tim Johnson: I sense trouble brewing.
Amy: *outside* What was that? Oh m- OH NO! DOUGIE SHOT HIMSELF ON THE FRONT LAWN!
Trevor, Tack, Swift, Ted Nelson, Tim Johnson: UH-OH!
*freeze frame* *laughter and applause from the audience*
Last edited by Machismo (3/14/2024 1:44 am)
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Thread Starter- Machismo
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Re: Tack House
The Tack Boys were all sitting at the kitchen table, about to play a game of cards. They were joined by their new neighbor Talena, who was sitting at the table with them.
Trevor: Alright losers, the game is five alive! Deuces are wild, and don't forget, this is STRIP Poker, so get ready to show me the good stuff!
*audience laughter*
Talena: Woohoo! That sounds like fun to me Trevor.
*ooos from the audience*
Tim Johnson: I better win, or you'll all see some horrible things no man or woman should ever have to see.
*audience laughter*
Ted Nelson: I wouldn't mind seeing that.
*audience laughter*
Swift: In advance, I do not have a third nipple. It's just a rash gone wild.
*audience laughter*
Talena: Ever since I moved in next door, I can't wait for these game nights! You guys are crazy!
*audience laugher*
Trevor: It does get a little wild in the Tack House.
Talena: Yeah, you guys call yourself Tack Boys in the Tack House. What does that mean exactly?
Tim Johnson: Esuoh kcaT eht fo sterces eht wonk reve tsum eno oN!
*audience laughter*
Talena: Oh ok!
*louder audience laughter*
Talena: I can't wait to get started.
Trevor: Yeah, well I can't wait to see what you've got under the sweatshirt!
*audience laughter*
Trevor: Alright the cards are dealt. Everybody show what ya got!
Talena and the Tack Boys laid their cards on the table.
Trevor: Haha! That's a win for me, and Ted Nelson, I want your magical golden shirt right now!
Ted Nelson: You got it!
*audience laughter*
Trevor: I'm gonna put this on!
Talena: That is HOT Trevor!
Trevor: He shoots, he scores! Haha!
*audience laughter*
Talena: Hey, where is Tack? Does he not have the guts to play?
*audience laughter*
Swift: Dude's been busy with something all day. No idea what. He's been a busy bee since the incident with Dougie.
*audience laughter*
Talena: Dougie? What happened?
Trevor: Oh, it was my old army buddy. His gun discharged accidentally outside and it grazed his head. He's alright though, getting the help he needs for his PTSD.
*awws from the audience*
Swift: Yeah, but the kicker is, Amy thinks that Tack talked him into shooting himself, and now she's suspicious of him.
*audience laughter*
Ted Nelson: The alpha male reclaimed his throne.
*audience laughter*
Trevor: No no no, it was just a gag to get him out of the house. Tack is manly man though. He's got the guts!
Tack walked in with a tray full of objects.
Tack: There, the scented candles for Amy are all done!
*audience laughter*
Tack: She's going to love these, and realize that I'm a good Tack man, and she's gonna love me forever.
*louder audience laughter*
Trevor: That's great Tack, but I'm running low over here. How about another beer bartender?
*audience laughter*
Tack: Very funny Trevor. I'm glad you guys are having a good time, and Trevor I love that gold shirt on you, but it's time to wrap it up. I got to get to bed.
Tim Johnson: But why? You don't have job.
*audience laughter*
Tack: Ok Mr. Smarty Pants, I in fact DO have a job.
*ooohs from the audience*
Trevor: Ok wait wait, what? You got a job?
Swift: No way.
Tack: Yes, I do have a job. Tomorrow morning I start as a big boy bus driver.
Trevor: You're gonna be a big boy bus driver?
*audience laughter*
Tack: That's right. Tomorrow is my first day. I need a solid eight hours of sleep.
Trevor: Alright Mr. Big Boy Bus Driver. We'll keep it down for you. We'll be as quiet as Church mice.
Tack: Thanks guys, I'm appreciate-
Trevor, Talena, Swift, Tim Johnson, Ted Nelson: OH! THE WHEELS ON THE BUS GO ROUND AND ROUND! ROUND AND ROUND! ROUND AND ROUND!
*audience laughter*
Tack: *sigh* Oh boy.
Tack quietly got into bed next to Amy and leaned over to her.
Tack: *whispering* Amy, I know you're sleeping, but I love you, and I really respect our marriage. That's why I have a surprise for you. I got a job as a big boy bus driver, and I start in the morning. I hope you'll be proud of me. I love you.
*awws from the audience*
Tack set his alarm and closed his eyes, only to bolt awake at the sounds of the Tack Boys and Talena downstairs.
Tack: Ah!
*audience laughter*
As the night progressed they continued to party it up, and Tack continued to struggle trying to sleep. In the morning a worn out Tack came down the stairs in his big boy bus driver outfit, while Trevor was sitting on the couch, still wearing Ted Nelson's magical golden shirt.
Trevor: There he is! Ready to start the day! How ya feeling this morning?
Tack: Not too hot. You guys kept me up all night!
Trevor: Have no fear my big boy bus commandeer. Swift just brewed up a fresh pot of joe. I got some in this thermos, just for you.
*awws from the audience*
Trevor: Just guzzle down that rocket fuel, and you'll be good to go all day my friend.
Tack: It's a little hot, and it's strong too. Did I mention I don't like coffee?
*audience laughter*
Tack: Thank you though, I will need this today.
Trevor: Good luck buddy! Get on out there!
Aiden started walking down the steps sullenly as well.
Trevor: Hey Aiden, if you hurry up you can catch Uncle Tack. He can give you a ride to school!
Aiden: I'm not going to school today. I had horrible nightmares. A demon is trying to get me.
Trevor: Oh, those kids and their vivid dreaming!
*audience laughter*
Swift: Man, this decaf tastes just as good as the real stuff. It don't even give me the jitters.
Trevor: Whoa whoa whoa, wait a minute. Decaf?!
Swift: Yeah?
Trevor: Oh no!
*audience laughter*
Later that day a soaking wet and limping Tack returned to the house.
*audience laughter*
Trevor shot up off the couch to help him
Trevor: Whoa! Buddy, are you alright?
Tack: I'm great! Everything is fine!
Trevor: I thought you were driving the bus all day?
Tack: I'm just gonna go nap. I'm fine!
*audience laughter*
Trevor shrugged and went to lay back down, but Amy suddenly came out of the kitchen on her cell phone.
Amy: *on the phone* No way! Are you serious? I'm on my way!
Trevor: Now what?
Amy: City bus accident. The bus drove right off the bridge! Lots of soaked and scared people. Everyone but the bus driver is accounted for.
*gasps from the audience*
Amy: It's horrible. A lot of structural damage. I got to go.
Trevor: Uh-oooooh.
*audience laughter*
Trevor ran up to Tack's room.
Trevor: Tack?
Tack: I'm busy!
Trevor: Tack, I'm coming in!
Trevor opened the door to find a rattled Tack sitting up in the bed, appearing to be in shock and agony.
Trevor: Tack, I heard what happened we need to-
Trevor sat on the bed near Tack's leg, which made his scream.
Trevor: Whoa! What is it?
Tack: It's my leg!
Trevor: I'm gonna take a look at it alright?
Trevor lifted up the pant leg to reveal a horrid compound fracture.
*audience laughter*
Trevor: Yikes! That's bad!
Tack: It hurts! The bone is poking out of my skin!
Trevor: Does it hurt when I touch the bone?
Tack: Aaah!
*audience laughter*
Trevor: Is that a yes?
Tack: YES!
*louder audience laughter*
Trevor: I'm going to count to three, and I'm going to set the bone alright?
Tack: Uh…I guess?
Trevor: 3-2-1!
Tack: AH-oh….that actually feels a lot better. Thank you.
*audience laughter*
Tack: How'd you know how to do that?
Trevor: I don't know. Ever since I got this magical golden power shirt from Ted Nelson, I've been able to do just about anything I want.
*audience laughter*
Tack: It's a powerful blouse.
Trevor: Alright Tack, you need to tell me what the hell happened.
Tack: One second I was driving the big boy bus, and I was slamming that rocket fuel, and the next minute I'm at the bottom of the lake!
Trevor: Decaf!
*audience laughter*
Tack: Trevor, Amy's gonna find out! I'm gonna go to jail! What am I gonna do?
Trevor: Hey hey, the Tack Boys are going to figure this out. We're going to get you out of this jam.
Later, the Tack Boys were all sitting in the living room. Tack had a cast on his leg and an ice pack on his head as they watched the news. Amy was standing in front of a podium to address the press.
Amy: *on television* It's been a tragic day. Everyone has been shaken and traumatized by what has happened. No deaths, but certainly injuries both physical and mental have occurred. We have a clip of the bus security camera that we will play for you right now.
Ted Nelson: Oh crap.
*audience laughter*
Amy: *on television* I have not seen this video, so this will be the first time I've seen the driver.
Trevor: I can't look! Is it you?
*audience laughter*
The footage showed Tack driving normally, before suddenly closing his eyes, nodding his head down, and veering off the bridge into the lake.
Amy: *on television* …Tack?
*audience laughter*
Tack: Oh no! I'm going to jail!
Ted Nelson: This is very bad for our Tack House.
Trevor: Yeah Tack, I've got a confession to make. That wasn't rocket fuel I gave you this morning. It was a pot of Swift's garbage decaf.
Swift: Don't you be bad mouthing my decaf!
*audience laughter*
Ted Nelson: Your decaf is total trash. It almost caused mass murder.
Swift: …Maybe less decaf.
*audience laughter*
Trevor: Alright everyone cool out! Let's take a breath. We have got to get Tack out of this situation. It wasn't his fault! It was the cursed decaf! We need ideas! Who's got one!
Tim Johnson: I've got nothing.
Trevor: Come on power shirt, give me some of that something-something!
*audience laughter*
Trevor: That's it! I got it! Tack, is that bus still at the bottom of the lake?
Tack: Last I saw.
Trevor: Swift, I know you have scuba suits.
Swift: How do you know I have scuba suits? Alright alright, so maybe I do.
*audience laughter*
Trevor: Your hands would be too big though…and so would mine. We need little baby boy hands for this job. That's it! Aiden! Swift, I need you and Aiden to get down to the lake in your scuba suits!
Swift: How do you know I have a kid's size scuba suit? Alright alright, so I have a kid's size scuba suit.
*audience laughter*
Trevor: I will text you the plan on the way!
Swift: 10-4.
Tack: Thanks guys…for whatever you're doing.
*audience laughter*
Later on, Tack was at the local police station, sitting in the interrogation room with Amy.
Amy: Do you know how bad this looks for me? To be married to a psychopath who flees a crime scene?!
Trevor suddenly barged in with Ted Nelson's magical golden power shirt still on.
Trevor: Hey, you don't have to answer that.
Amy: What are you doing here Trevor?
*audience laughter*
Trevor: I am Tack's legal defense!
*audience laughter*
Trevor: Let me ask YOU a question, detective! What if my client here is totally innocent?
Amy: What the hell are you talking about? We have a video of him! He broke his leg in the accident! This is a cut and dry case.
Trevor: Hang on a second! Detective, isn't there a chance of mechanical failure? You saw Tack looking down right? Maybe he was caught off guard that something was wrong with equipment? Perhaps a brake line was cut? Maybe Tack had no choice but to aim for the lake to avoid a serious crash that would have otherwise killed people? What if my client should be regarded as a hero for keeping those people alive, if not a little water logged? He wanted to go out into the workforce to provide for his family, and show the woman he loves how much she means to him! That is no psycho detective. That is your husband Tack!
*audience applause*
Amy We…haven't examined the bus yet. I suppose that's a possibility.
Trevor: That's what I thought.
Amy: And…I do appreciate the effort to get a job.
Tack: Thank you hon.
Amy: Let me talk to my supervisor.
Trevor: You do that.
After Amy shut the door, Trevor and Tack quietly celebrated.
*audience laughter*
Tack: *whispering* You did it!
Trevor: *whispering* Not me! Swift , Aiden, and the golden magical power shirt did it! They're gonna find that line cut, just you wait!
Later that day, Tack was back at home, with the rest of the Tack Boys, as they watched Amy on the television once again.
Amy: *on television* I am relieved to announce that the accident was not due to driver negligence. In fact, the driver was attempting to steer the passengers away from a more serious accident, as the brake lines were indeed cut on the bus! Tack, the big boy bus driver is actually a hero!
Trevor, Tack, Swift, Aiden, Ted Nelson, and Tim Johnson: HURRAY!
*audience laughter*
Amy: *on television* I'm proud to call this hero my husband!
*awws and applause from the audience*
Tack: We did it guys!
Trevor: Now THAT is how you do it!
Tack: Thank you guys so much for covering up my accident.
Trevor: Swift, your operation was LIT!
Swift: Don't thank me, thank Aiden's baby boy fingers.
Aiden: It was scary to think I could've been on that bus.
*audience laughter*
Trevor: I think we should Ted Nelson for hooking me up with this magical golden power shirt! It helped me come up with the idea to save Tack, and it helped me become a big boy lawyer.
Tim Johnson: The power was inside of you the whole time Trevor.
*awwws from the audience*
Amy walked in, all smiles as the Tack Boys welcomed her home.
Amy: Hey guys! How's my hero doing?
Tack: I'm alright. The morphine wore off, but whatever.
*audience laughter*
Amy: I am so proud of you. I just want you to know that you can take a break from looking for a job for a while. I've got us covered.
Tack: Thank you honey.
Amy: Aaaand, I think it's time you come upstairs and…watch tv with me tonight!
*ooos from the audience*
Amy: Hey, could one of you guys grab a mop. The floor is covered in water for some reason.
*audience laughter*
Tack, Trevor, Swift, Aiden, Ted Nelson, and Tim Johnson: OH BOY!
*freeze frame* *laughter and applause from the audience*
Last edited by Machismo (3/15/2024 1:33 am)
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Thread Starter