1 of 1- Machismo
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Star Trek: The Farce Awakens
In the 23rd Century
?: Space, the final frontier. Within this vast ocean of stars lie the great mysteries of the universe, but the greatest mystery, is how a man like myself can possibly bag an entire star ship full of women?
?: That speech isn't going to cut it Captain Angel.
Captain Angel: Huh? Why?
Captain Angel looked up from his pad, staring into confusion into space before turning to his second in command, a Vulcan named Tal'i
Captain Angel: I just got started. What's wrong Commander?
Commander Tal'i: The womanizing sir.
Captain Angel: Oh right. I was just kidding. That's not in my speech.
The Captain quickly deleted the lines from his speech.
Captain Angel: Did I offend you?
Commander Tal'i: I don't get offended sir. I do wonder how you got this command, if I can speak freely.
Captain Angel: Well, you already did, so I guess sure, go crazy. Look, I got this command because I am the best. I have worked had in Starfleet Academy, and proved myself. It's NOT because my father Admiral Wayne Angel got me a command. It's not that at all.
Commander Tal'i: Of course sir.
Captain Angel: ....Are you buying it?
Commander Tal'i: Not at all sir.
Captain Angel: Dammit. You think the crew will?
Commander Tal'i: You are the Captain. They will follow your orders to the letter.
Captain Angel: Well, I got that at least.
The two were standing in the turbo lift, as it continued its accent upward. The two stared out into space, staring at the space port that carried the brand new ship in the fleet. The USS Newbaur.
The Vulcan commander tilted her head and stared at the ship, her longer black hair draped over her tanned skin and pointed ears. Captain Angel stared at her.
Commander Tal'i: You're staring sir.
Captain Angel: I was just wondering how I got so lucky to be paired with...such an amazing....Vulcan woman. Normally, your people like to....well "cover up" more, and keep your hair short.
Commander Tal'i: The pursuit of logic calls for adaptation sometimes. I took to some Earth "customs" to better blend in. You are "lucky" as you put it, to be paired with me, because I sought this position. It is an honor to take a position on one of then new Excelsior class ships.
Captain Angel: Shame they couldn't figure out the trans warp drive, but I hear it goes up to Warp 9.2.
Commander Tal'i: For only 10 minutes, before the hull begins to fall apart.
Captain Angel: Don't be so pessimistic. I bet the gal can handle it. Besides, when would we ever have to go somewhere in such a hurry?
Commander Tal'i: *raises eyebrow* I believe that's called "tempting fate".
Captain Angel: I'm a tempting guy.
Commander Tal'i: If you say so sir.
They finally reached their destination platform, where several men, women, and nondescript blobs stood at attention. Captain Angel shot finger guns at the ladies, and possibly the nondescript blobs, as they made their way to the stage. A grizzled and perturbed Admiral James Swift, a black man with greying hair and an eye patch stood at the podium waiting.
Admiral Swift: *places hand over microphone* You're late dammit.
Captain Angel: Sorry sir, the turbolift was malfunctioning.
Admiral Swift: Is that true Commander?
Commander Tal'i: It is not Admiral.
Captain Angel: Hey!
Admiral Swift: ...Angel, you know I respect the hell out of your father Admiral Wayne Angel. That's the only reason I am on board with this posting. If you make him look bad, it makes me look bad, and I'll see to it that you're busted down to Ensign, and forced to work on the hottest magma covered planet I can find for the rest of your miserable career. Do you understand me?
Captain Angel: ....With much fear and trepidation sir.
Admiral Swift: Good. In short....don't fuck this up.
Captain Angel: ...R-right.
Admiral Swift: *removed his hand from the microphone* Attention everyone. This ship, the USS Newbaur, is a wonder to behold. It has a 5th Generation Warp Drive, and the capacity to take you into deep deep space. That is the intention. That is our hope. For you all to explore strange new worlds. To find new and exciting things. To meet new races that could one day join us in the United Federation of Planets. That is what Star Fleet is expecting from all of you. Now, I'll hand things over to your new Captain, Johnathan "Tack" Angel, and your new Commander Tal'i. Attention!
The recruits all stood resolute and saluted. Captain Angel noticed some of the busty crew members chests jiggled during the salute.
Captain Angel: That was great everyone. Can I see that again? Wonderful. One more time? No? Heh, well I have a speech here, but the Admiral pretty much covered it. We have a big job to do, and I'll be expecting much out of each of you, *staring at the women* some more than others. You probably wonder why they call me "Tack" huh? Well, I'll tell you, as soon as we earn each other's trust alright?
In the crowd, a disheveled engineer scratched his stubble and laughed audibly enough for Captain Angel to hear. The man whispered to the guy next to him.
?: I hear it's because he tripped and landed his ass right on a tack during graduation. Haha, can you believe-
Captain Angel: Excuse me? That's NOT how I got it, but why are you talking during my speech.
?: My bad man. My bad.
Captain Angel: "My bad"? I'm your commanding officer. You should speak to me with more respect.
?: Actually, the Corps of Engineers are kind of their own, separate thing. If anything we're more like associates.
Admiral Swift: *clears throat* That's literally not how it works Commander.
Captain Angel: Wait, he's a Commander?
Admiral Swift: Commander Trevor Morris, your Chief Engineer.
The Commander shot a finger gun and a wink Captain Angel's way, as he stood back sighed.
Captain Angel: Oh damn, I know that guy. *clears throat* I-
Commander Morris: You can just called me "Trev" by the way, My nickname comes from it being shorter version of my name.
Captain Angel: Yeah, but only like two letters shorter so what is even- never mind! Please return to formation
Engineer Trev: You got it mon capitan.
Captain Angel: ...Uh huh. So anyways, we are about embark on an amazing adventure people. We're going to learn. We're going to explore. We're going to be gone in deep space for a long time potentially, so hook ups with commanding officers MIGHT be on the table. It gets lonely out there. I'm kidding of course. Or am I? Haha, just some humor to lighten you all up. I know that Star Fleet takes endeavors like this very seriously, and we're going to give it our best. That being said, it doesn't hurt to smile. Let's some smiles out there. Oh...not you....sorry, you have 3 sets of teeth and it's freaking me out.
Admiral Swift: Horrible speech Tack. Crew, you are hereby under the command of Captain Angel, and are to report to your duties on board the USS Newbaur. Good luck and God speed.
Engineer Trev: Hehe...duties.
Captain Angel: Hehe...right Ta-
Commander Tal'i: No.
Captain Angel: Right. Right.
Later, the crew were all assembled on board the Newbaur. Commander Tal'i looked around and noticed a theme with all the helmsmen.
Commander Tal'i: Captain, I find it fascinating that most of the crew on the bridge are female, both human and alien, with two things in common.
Captain Angel: Huh? Really? I never noticed. Gee, you're right. Who do we have here? Ensign Makoto? You're going to be taking us out on the maiden voyage.
Ensign Makoto: Uh...it appears that way sir. I'm very excited to be a part of the crew!
Captain Angel: I'm also VERY excited that you're part of the crew. I'm trusting you were top of your class?
Ensign Makoto: You didn't look over my records before selecting me sir?
Captain Angel: No, I looked you over.
Ensign Makoto: I wasn't exactly at the top, but I worked hard to not be at the bottom.
Captain Angel: And that's all I can ask for.
Commander Tal'i: You could have asked for the top of the cla-
Captain Angel: We will ALL bring out the best in each other! Right Lieutenant ...uh...Paradise?
Lt. Paradise: Quite right sir!
Captain Angel: Wait...you're a dude. What do you do again?
Lt. Paradise: I'm Chief of Security sir! Happy to be here.
Captain Angel: Shouldn't you be....you know...with security?
Lt. Paradise: Uh...I mean I guess I could-
Captain Angel: Yes, you should go be with your team. Quickly now.
Lt. Paradise: Uh...yes sir.
Captain Angel: Good. Good.
In Engineering, the crew were working hard around the giant warp core in the center of the room, making sure it was running at max efficiency. A portly red head, who was way too giddy to be near a warp core, started spouting her mouth off.
Annoying Ensign: Come on! Look alive! Yeah! This is the power of math peopl-
Engineer Trev: No! No! Absolutely not. Get this woman away from my engine! Look at you, all giddy and excited, like some kind of autist. Only enough room for one of those in here, so take a hike! Look at you, you're too overweight to be in Star Fleet anyways! "Oh, but we're body positive and" bullshit! Can you run a mile? Yes, I said mile. The metric system can kiss my ass. We use the old American standard around here, and you know what? My engine rocks HARD! I got no time for this! Someone get her OFF this ship before we leave!
The Engineering Team watched as the annoying Ensign ran off crying. They quietly stared at their Chief Engineer.
Engineer Trev: What? I'm a dick! I'm sorry, but you're going to have to deal with that, cause I also kick ass! The hell with this. I'm going to the bridge.
Engineer Trev walked by as security escorted the annoying Ensign off the ship. With a sigh of relief he entered the turbo lift, and emerged on the bridge.
Engineer Trev: Sup Cap!
Captain Angel: Oh...hello Chief. Is there a problem?
Engineer Trev: Nope! Just came to watch the maiden voyage first hand. Oh, and we're down an Ensign. You're welcome though.
Captain Angel: Huh?
Commander Tal'i: Ensign Jilly apparently.
Captain Angel: What? Why?
Engineer Trev: Couldn't stand her. Did you a favor.
Captain Angel: I think it's MY CALL if we get rid of someone on my-
Engineer Trev: No chest, and I'm pretty sure she was a lesbian.
Captain Angel: .....Perhaps you made the right call.
Engineer Trev: Quite the display you have up here. Lots of-
Engineer Trev caught sight of Commander Tal'i and fell silent.
Commander Tal'i: Are you well Chief?
Engineer Trev: Huh? Oh I'm great now. I'm Trevor, but you can call me Trev...or Chief...whatever you want.
Commander Tal'i: Yes, I know who you are. A very "fiery spirit" I'm told.
Engineer Trev: That's just a nice way of saying I have anger problems. Why am I bragging about that? I'm suddenly very nervous. I'm just going to sit back here for the launch.
Captain Angel: I think you'd enjoy it better from Engineering don't yo-
Engineer Trev: Nope!
Captain Angel: *sigh* Alright. Ensign Makoto, please...if you would....take us out.
Ensign Makoto: Right sir!
The shy and nervous Ensign slowly worked the controls at her panel. The USS Newbaur began to back up into the space port.
Captain Angel: ...We're supposed to be going forward Ensign.
Ensign Makoto: R-right.
Captain Angel: See? She's getting it. Learn by example.
Commander Tal'i: Any further back, and the damage would have been significant.
Captain Angel: But, I stopped it just in time. Good Captain work I think.
Commander Tal'i: This is an opinion sir.
Captain Angel: Hm?
The ship slowly pushed forward, out into the vastness of space. The vast number of people in the space port all cheered and clapped as the Newbaur emerged.
Captain Angel: Unscathed.
Commander Tal'i: That should not have to come as a surprise.
Captain Angel: I was totally confident in Makoto's....ability.
Commander Tal'i: *raises eyebrow*
Captain Angel: How are we looking Ensign...uh...
Ensign Tracy: Tracy sir. All systems are online and optimal.
Engineer Trev: Of course they are! I'm pretty great. *wink*
Captain Angel: Wonderful. Well then, our mission is to explore, so why don't we do just that. Ensign, plot a course that takes us out of the reaches of known and explored space. I can't wait to see it.
Ensign Makoto: Uh...yes sir. Plotting the course to Mark...2195...which will take us....2 months to reach at maximum warp.
Captain Angel: That's....disappointing? Figured at 9.2 we'd get there a lot sooner.
Ensign Tracy: Space is big sir.
Captain Angel: ...Yeah...I'm getting that. Alright then. Warp 9.2 it is. Let's see what's she's got. ENGAGE!
The Newbaur's engines fired up, as the ship launched into warp speed, leaving the solar system behind within minutes. As they left, a man watched from a monitor, in a darkly lit room. He turned off the feed, and quickly made a private call. Another figure cloaked in darkness appeared on the screen.
?: You'll be happy to know that they have set off on their merry way. The maiden voyage of the USS Newbaur. I'm hoping you'll facilitate it being the LAST voyage. The first step to unraveling the damage of the Khitomer Accords now doubt.
?: It will be done. You can count on that.
?: Do remember, your "honor" is at stake here.
?: I don't need you to remind me of that human.
The screen went blank as the man turned and looked out towards the stars. In space, the USS Newbaur blew by an asteroid belt, as three cloaked ships came about and revealed themselves as Klingon Birds of Prey. They soon followed in pursuit.
To be continued...
Last edited by Machismo (8/02/2020 2:19 am)
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Re: Star Trek: The Farce Awakens
Deck 12
Commander Tal'i stepped off the turbo lift to begin her inspection. The Newbaur had suffered engine damage after holding Warp 9.2 for over 10 minutes, and the Commander wanted to make sure that their was no noticeable structural damage. She was followed by a looming Engineer Trev.
Engineer Trev: So, how about that engine eh?
Commander Tal'i: It broke down after 11 minutes at Warp 9.2. The fastest break down in Federation history, since the NX-2 broke the Warp 2 barrier.
Engineer Trev: Hey, you all THOUGHT that the engine would break down after 10 minutes. I told you it could do better, and it did. 11 minutes baby! So, what are we doing down here?
Commander Tal'i: Continuing my inspection. We were rattled once we came to a stop, and I want to make sure everything is still pristine.
Engineer Trev: The sensors on this baby would cover that.
Commander Tal'i: Logic dictates we double check these things with our own eyes.
Engineer Trev: Right. Vulcan stuff. Vulcans believe in some weird stuff. I don't mean to be insulting.
Commander Tal'i: I don't get insulted, but if I did, that would do it.
Engineer Trev: I just meant the whole logic thing. It's neat I suppose, but I have so many questions about it,.
Commander Tal'i: Perhaps another time you could inquire about-
Engineer Tal'i: Like, you guys basically proved that the soul exists.
Commander Tal'i: How so? It is not logical.
Engineer Trev: Ambassador Spock literally gave his soul to Doctor McCoy, and they put it back into his reborn body.
Commander Tal'i: ...I can not argue that, but I really want to. I do need to get back to this though. The Captain requires me back on the bridge, and I'm....concerned for the crew.
Bridge
Back on the bridge, Captain Angel was walking around, getting to know his crew a little better.
Captain Angel: Ensign Makoto, that was some fine piloting...until the incident.
Ensign Makoto: Oh don't worry about it Captain, I know that you couldn't help but be thrown into my chest from the sudden stop.
Ensign Tracy: The inertial dampeners should have prevented that though.
Captain Angel: Well...not from my angle.
Ensign Tracy: That doesn't make sense.
Captain Angel: Ensign Tracy, you look stressed. Here, let me rub your shoulders for you. You like that? Feel good? You can moan if you want to.
Ensign Tracy: Captain?
Captain Angel: Just saying, I need my crew relaxed. I want you all to think of me as someone you can come to for all your problems. This is just a minor hiccup. As long as no one informs Star Fleet Command, we'll be back on our way in less that an hour, and return towards the frontiers of unknown space! We will penetrate its secrets. Dig deep, into the mystery, and get caught up in it. Right ladies? Right! Hey, how about you? What's your name Ensign?
Ensign Iroha: Iroha sir. I'm your linguist.
Captain Angel: Wonderful. You know, I'm a cunning linguist myself. *wink*
Ensign Iroha: I'm sure you are sir. I'm sure you are. However, we will be meeting new species out here hopefully, and I'm an expert on deciphering new languages. Happy and proud to be on the team sir.
Captain Angel: I am too. Happy to have you all here. All of you, with me, on my bridge, alone and-
Lt. Paradise: Sir, reporting in! I can confirm that-
Captain Angel: Don't sneak up on me like that Paradise! What do you want?
Lt. Paradise: I was going to confirm that there were only two injuries from the sudden stop. They are seeing Doctor Degrees right now.
Captain Angel: Great. Go....go and check on everyone...again...away from here.
Lt. Paradise: Sir?
Captain Angel: Go double check!
Lt. Paradise: Yes sir!
Med Bay
In the med bay, a short and short haired, brown skinned man sat next to a larger and bald brown skinned man.
Doctor Degrees: So you are Lt. Amigo and Lt. Mike? Is that right?
Lt. Amigo: Uh-huh.
Lt. Mike: Yeah Doc. That's us. Can you get a move on? We got a job to do.
Lt. Amigo: It's embarrassing to be the first two to come here.
Doctor Degrees: Yeah. 11 minutes into our mission. That's hilarious!
Lt. Amigo: ....
Lt. Mike: ......
Doctor Degrees: *cough* Sorry. It looks like you just took a bump on your head. I'll give you a quick shot in the neck, and send you on your way.
Lt. Amigo: What's in that thing?
Doctor Degrees: Hmm?
Lt. Amigo: The injector. What's in it? What's going to help our head wounds by injecting it into our necks?
Doctor Degrees: Um...it's well...it's uh....don't worry about it. I'm the Doctor! Take the shot!
Degrees gave them both the shot and sent them on their way.
Lt. Amigo: They never answer that question.
Lt. Mike: Doctors are shady as hell. I'm willing to bet it's like ointment, but they have to pretend it's something else or they'd be out of the job.
Lt. Amigo: I mean we all got the universal healthcare, cause of the Federation and all, but it's always so nebulous and vague. You see that shit they put on blind people? It's like this weird visor thing? Can we NOT make prosthetic eyes by now?
Lt. Mike: I guess not dude. I guess not. Back to the torpedo bay?
Lt. Amigo: I'm going to the mess hall to get a drink. They're not going to need us manning the torpedoes in Federation space. I still can't believe we got moved off the bridge crew! I'm doing grunt work!
Lt. Mike: Yeah, but if it means we get all those hot ladies on board with us, then I'll lug those torpedoes around. I'm hoping they'll lug my torpedo. Eh? Eh? Eh?
Lt. Amigo: I get it! It wasn't funny!
Lt. Mike: Yes it was!
Bridge
Captain Angel: .....I wonder if the Captain is allowed a concubine.
Ensign Tracy: Sir?
Captain Angel: ....Maybe a bunch of concubines?
Ensign Tracy: Sir.
Captain Angel: What is it Ensign?
Ensign Tracy: I believe we're being followed.
Captain Angel: We're still very close to Earth. There are ships all over the place. Then again, don't let them see us. I really don't want to have to explain this.
In the distance, three Klingon Birds of Prey slowed behind several asteroids and deployed their cloak.
To Be Continued...
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Thread Starter- Machismo
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Re: Star Trek: The Farce Awakens
Captain's Ready Room
Captain Angel: *talking to the computer* Captain's Log. It is the first day of our voyage beyond charted space. We had a little "hiccup", but it's being worked out. I'm actually proud of the crew in that they're not panicking, and are doing their jobs to the best of their abilities. I have to admit, I did panic...a lot. I kept it inside though. Might have only screamed out loud once or twice. That's a personal best for me. I really like the "talent" I have on board this vessel. It's just me and them in the the darkness of space. Hehehe....ignore that part. Computer? Can you erase that last part? I don't know that I like having Commander Morris on board though. We have....a history. In the Academy, he was part of the popular crowd, and well, I was not. We didn't get along. Let's put it that way. I did manage to get some of my friends from the academy on board, like Lt. Mike and Lt. Amigo, though I wanted them to work off the bridge for.....reasons. I'm sure they understand.
Ten Forward
In the mess hall, Lt. Amigo sat looking out at space with a cup of coffee. He looked left and right before pouring liquid from his flask into the cup. The bartender, a man with an eye patch and Hawaiian shirt approached.
Jackie: What's that you got there?
Lt. Amigo: Huh? Nothing. Just a little sweetener. The computer can't replicate coffee to-
Jackie: Don't try to fool me kid. I know Romulan Ale when I see it. Well....can "kind of" see it. I can smell it too. A kilometer away I could smell that sweet aroma. That's some heavy stuff, but if you need some, all you got to do is ask.
Lt. Amigo: Wait...you have Romulan Ale? But it's illegal in the Federation.
Jackie: Do I look like I give a damn about Federation protocol? I'm just a bartender. So yeah, if you want something a little stronger, you let me know.
Lt. Amigo: I think you and I are going to get along great.
Amigo tipped back his drink, and felt the heat of the ale numb his senses. However, as he entered a stupor, he looked ahead and saw three shimmering objects in space, for a brief second. He thought nothing of it, until it appeared as if they were getting closer. He recognized the shapes, spit his ale, and took off running.
Jackie: Where are you going?
Lt. Amigo: I have to warn the Captain!
Jackie: You could just use the computer from here! Hey! Lieutenant!
Captain's Ready Room
Captain Angel: *talking to the computer* I just think that Commander Tal'i probably has a hot bod under that uniform. I know that Vulcan believe in logic, but I could probably convince her to believe in my di-wait...computer, erase that last part again. I need to save these thoughts for the personal log. I guess I'll-
Lt. Amigo: Captain! Captain!
Captain Angel: Whoa! Got to knock first buddy! Nice to see you though. Enjoying your new post?
Lt. Amigo: No, it sucks, but that's not the important thing here. We have big trouble! BIG big trouble!
Captain Angel: ....What did you break?
Lt. Amigo: Nothing! We have company! They are right off the port bow!
Captain Angel: Sexy aliens?
Lt. Amigo: Klingons!
Captain Angel: What? No way! In Federation space? According to the Khitomer Accords, they can't cloak in-
Suddenly, the Newbaur rocked from a large blast hitting the side of the ship. Captain Angel and Lt. Amigo ran out to the bridge to see three Klingon Birds of Prey decloaking.
Lt. Amigo: See!
Captain Angel: ...Well shit.
To Be Continued...
Last edited by Machismo (8/02/2020 2:27 am)
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Re: Star Trek: The Farce Awakens
Bridge
Captain Angel stared at the view screen, as three Klingon Birds of Prey decloaked around the Newbaur.
Captain Angel: Maybe they're here to see us off?
Commander Tal'i: Unlikely.
Captain Angel: A man can dream right?
Commander Tal'i: A Captain should be a realist in a situation like this.
Captain Angel: Then we're all screwed.
Ensign Tracy: Captain, we're being hailed.
Ensign Iroha; It's being transmitted in English Captain.
Captain Angel: Thank you foxe-Ensigns. I appreciate the quick work. *gulp* Put them on.
Klingon: I represent the Klingon Empire!
Captain Angel: Aren't the Klingons probing Uranus? Hahaha....ha....ha....
Commander Tal'i: Was that an attempt at humor?
Klingon: ....
Captain Angel: Sorry. Uh...what can I do for you...uh...
Klingon: My name is K'laang, and I represent the House of Duras!
Captain Angel: Huh?! Duras?! Oh...oh yeah?
Ensign Makoto: You alright sir?
Captain Angel: Uh...yeah, I think I'll take this in my ready room. Every stay sexy-sharp. I mean stay sharp. Raise shields, and arm the photon torpedoes.
Commander Tal'i: *raises eyebrow*
The Captain nervously ran into the Ready Room, and planted his face in his hands, as he turned on his com.
Captain Angel: Sorry for the wait K'laang. I was-
K'laang: Skip the small talk and the formalities human! We have waited long for this opportunity. Treaty or not, you're an enemy to the Empire, and we WILL crush you! I just wanted you to know who it was that would be destroying you.
Captain Angel: Oh, I had a feeling. K'laang? K'laang? Oh no he hung up.
Commander Tal'i: Problem sir?
Captain Angel: Ah! How long have you been there?
Commander Tal'i: The whole time sir.
Captain Angel: Right. I need to....pay...more attention. So, we need to fire up the warp drive, and leave. 9.2? 9.2. Absolutely.
Commander Tal'i: 9.2 is what broke us down in the first place. It would not be logical to push the engine to its limit again.
Captain Angel: We really really need to get away. Like right now.
Commander Tal'i: Why is this K'laang coming after you with such fervor?
Captain Angel: I MIGHT...have slept with the wife of Duras?
Commander Tal'i: ...I beg your pardon?
Captain Angel: I didn't KNOW who she was until like the 3rd time, and then 2 more times after that I was DONE.
Commander Tal'i: ...And you say your father didn't get you this assignment?
Captain Angel: Hey! I didn't think that Vulcans made jokes!
Commander Tal'i: We don't.
Captain Angel: ...Well he didn't! I got here of my own volition, talent, and persistence. I mean I REALLY had to beg A LOT. We're going to get out of this. Follow me.
Captain Angel fixed his uniform and went back out to the bridge.
Captain Angel: Alright, so I spoke with them, and they intend to attack for unknown reasons. They are disregarding the treaty between our people, and this could lead to an all out war with the Empire. I really wish I knew why they would do this and-
Ensign Tracy: You had your comm badge on sir. We heard everything.
Captain Angel: Who did?
Ensign Iroha: Entire bridge crew sir.
Engineer Trev: *on the comm badge* I heard it too.
Captain Angel: Dammit. Alright, well get us out of here. Is that engine working Trev?
Engineer Trev: *on the comm badge* Yes and no.
Captain Angel: *on the comm badge* What do you mean?
Engineer Trev: *on the comm badge*...I actually just mean no. I need like....5 more minutes.
Captain Angel: I'm sure we can stall then and-
Ensign Tracy: They're opening fire sir!
Captain Angel: OH COME ON!
To Be Continued...
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Re: Star Trek: The Farce Awakens
The Newbaur attempted to blast the Birds of Prey with phaser fire, as they launched torpedoes against the shielding of the brand new ship.
Captain Angel: Shit! Where the hell are my torpedoes!?
10 Forward
In the mess hall/lounge, Lt. Amigo was blacked out drunk from too much ale, and Lt. Mike was showing off his guns to a female officer.
Jackie: Hey fellas, you notice that pretty light show out there? The one battering us around?
Lt. Mike: Huh? What li- oh my God. Amigo! Amigo wake up!
Lt. Amigo: Ugh...just 5 more-
Lt. Mike: Raise your head up and looooook!
Lt. Amigo: Huh? I-AH! We got to g- *pukes*
Lt. Amigo finished spilling the drinks back onto the table, before an awkward silence was shared. The two lieutenants then ran out of the room.
Jackie: Dammit! Well, at least this stuff is just as good when it comes back up. I'll just bottle it again. No one judge me! My job is on the line because of the damn replicators!
Back on the bridge, Captain Angel was being flung about by the blasts, and falling into the laps of his bridge crew.
Ensign Tracy: Sir, perhaps you should get back to your seat!
Captain Angel: I'm trying!
Ensign Tracy: It really looks like you just want to fall on my breasts sir.
Captain Angel: Hey! Is that anyway to talk to a Captain! I'll steady myself! See? All be-whoa!
Ensign Iroha: Hey! That's my-
Captain Angel: Sorry! Sorry. Ensign Makoto, take us into that asteroid belt over there.
Commander Tal'i: Captain, the ship is too large to-
Captain Angel: We have no choice! We're more aerodynamic than those Klingon ships, which I never understood, because that doesn't help much in space. However, we're much less likely to get battered by the asteroids. They will have to pull out, which is something I never do.
Commander Tal'i: ....You heard him Ensign.
Captain Angel: Glad I have your support.
Commander Tal'i: I'm following the Captain's orders. Nothing more.
Captain Angel: Oh.
Commander Tal'i: It's a logical strategy if we don't have torpedoes to fire back, but dangerous all the same.
Captain Angel: Danger is my middle name.
Commander Tal'i: It's Merriweather.
Captain Angel: I'm going to need you to stop reading my file.
The Newbaur veered into the asteroid belt, with the Birds of Prey in hot pursuit. Captain Angel was correct, in that the damage was more significant for his enemies. Finally, Lt. Amigo and Mike made it back to their post to arm the photon torpedoes.
Ensign Makoto: Sir, it looks like we DO have torpedoes now.
Captain Angel: Oh finally! *touches comm badge* What took so long guys!
Lt. Mike: *on comm badge* Uh....we had technical difficulties. We're fine now. It's all good. How are you?
Captain Angel: *sigh* Fire backwards towards that large rock. The debris will smash into the Birds of Prey.
Commander Tal'i: Impressive idea sir.
Captain Angel: See? I was born for this. Fire!
Makoto sent the torpedo back into the rock. It indeed exploded, but the gravitational pull of the asteroid belt sent it out of the way of the pursuers, making to easier for them to attack.
Commander Tal'i: It appears to have backfired.
Captain Angel: ....Right...gravitational pull....I knew that. My bad guys. My bad.
To Be Continued....
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Thread Starter- Machismo
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Re: Star Trek: The Farce Awakens
Captain Angel: Captain's Log. We managed to finally escape from the Klingons. We lost them in the asteroid belt, when I pretended that I was going to surrender for the good of my crew, only to go into warp at the last second, cause screw getting tortured by Klingons. I would probably kill 80-85% of the people on this ship to avoid something like that. Computer, strike that last sentence. We've managed to FINALLY get the task at hand, heading towards the edge of known explored space. The Beta Quadrant will hopefully be home to a wondrous assortment of new species, with females that I can fu-Computer, strike that last sentence.
Commander Tal'i: Captain, could you come to the bridge please?
Captain Angel: On my way.
Captain Angel put his pants back on, and placed the pictures of his female crew back in the drawer before heading out to the bridge. A befuddled crew including Engineer Trev were staring at the view screen.
Captain Angel: Hey people, what are looking at?
Engineer Trev: Look for yourself Tack, it's a-
Captain Angel: Excuse me Chief Engineer. This isn't school anymore. We're not in the academy. You will address me as Captai-
Engineer Trev: Just look already!
A strange satellite was spinning in a strange way outside of the ship.
Captain Angel: ...Alright, so we hit it or something? Do we need to exchange information?
Ensign Tracy: Sir, the analysis is very interesting. It's moving in a strange pattern that seems to ignore natural physics laws. See? Look.
The satellite suddenly shifted position in space in the blink of an eye, leaving an afterimage for a brief moment.
Captain Angel: Well....that IS something.
Engineer Trev: Carbon dating says this device is from the future.
Captain Angel: What?
Engineer Trev: Yeah, I know, it's really really stupid. You can't possibly use carbon dating to determine if something is from the future, and yet my fancy piece of shit hand link here says that's it's from 100 years in the future. It's stupid.
Captain Angel: Well, I mean anything is possible with the power of math.
Engineer Trev: Yeah....yeah real cute Cap. Real cute.
Ensign Iroha: It seems to have a gravitational pull sir. I'm struggling to stay away from it.
Commander Tal'i: This is fascinating sir. How shall we proceed with our examination.
Captain Angel: Examination? I don't want to go near that thing!
Commander Tal'i: Sir?
Captain Angel: That's just asking for trouble. I see something like that, and I'm thinking, "oh no, something bad's going to happen." I'm willing to bet when we get closer, something is going to beam aboard and suddenly try to drain our engines of anti-matter. Do you want that Chief Engineer?
Engineer Trev: Hell no. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get anti-matter? I mean...like...how do we even do that, is what I'm asking. Who decided to get it, and suddenly collide with matter? Are we psychopaths or something? I'm getting off track. I wouldn't go near that thing either.
Captain Angel: Alright, something we agree on.
Ensign Faris: Sir, our job is to explore! To seek out new life and new civ-
Captain Angel: I know the mantra Ensign. I want to do a lot of exploring, believe me. I want to explore you...personally...but in a professional manner...if that makes sense.
Ensign Faris: It does not.
Captain Angel: Lt. Paradise, would you and your security team want to deal with whatever is on that thing?
Lt. Paradise: Nope. It'd probably kill one or two of my guys. We'd all get knocked down trying to stop it from stealing the anti-matter from the Chief Engineer's engine.
Engineer Trev: And like I said before, I'd rather we not do that.
Captain Angel: Right. And we'd have to come up with some convoluted way to get it back, by beaming aboard the satellite, and convincing the hyper intelligence on board that we mean it no harm. It won't listen, and we'll have to figure out a way to blow it up with our torpedoes even though it's fluctuating in space time. It's just more trouble than I'd like to get into.
Commander Tal'i: Then what WOULD you like to do Captain?
Captain Angel: Get back on course obviously. Let's throw down some warning signs or something, and travel AROUND this bad boy.
Commander Tal'i: Very well. We'll see to it.
Captain Angel: Good. Good. I have to get back to my "special work" in the ready room. I'm going to need like 10-15 minutes.
Commander Tal'i: Very good sir.
Captain Angel giggled as he went back into the ready room.
Engineer Trev: You seem down Commander.
Commander Tal'i: I am constantly in this state Chief Engineer.
Engineer Trev: Right. Vulcan and all right? So are your ears erogenous or what?
Commander Tal'i: .....
Engineer Trev: I have a bet with one of my subordinates. I bet that they are.
Commander Tal'i: ......
Engineer Trev: ...Can I touch one?
Commander Tal'i: .....
Engineer Trev: Maybe later then.
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Thread Starter- Machismo
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Re: Star Trek: The Farce Awakens
Talos 45
The Newbaur orbited a planet on the edge of a solar system. A cloudy and green planet, it seemed uninhabitable, but the crew of the Newbaur discovered that was not the case. Captain Angel, Engineer Trev, Lt. Paradise, Amigo, and Mike were trapped in between two warring tribes inside of a cave. The natives all had long purple hair, though some greyed with age, and were decked out in earth tones, because of course they were.
Captain Angel: Whoa! Hold on! It's all good guys! Calm down!
Engineer Trev: Why the hell are they after us?
Lt. Paradise: Well I know why those guys over there are after us. The Captain was caught sleeping with the Chief's daughter! Those other guys though? I have no idea.
Captain Angel: She never said she was- I mean, let's calm down! Talosian Chief, put your weapons down!
Talosian Chief: I would, but our deadliest foes seemed to have arrived!
Captain Angel: Who? Those guys?
Talosian Chief: Indeed. They are the Chooloofs, and we are the Quarm. We're been at war since time immemorial.
Captain Angel: You're Quarm? They're Chooloofs? But, you look exactly the same.
Talosian Chief: We do NOT! As you can see, we only have one nostril. Ours is on the right side of our faces, and the they have theirs on the left! IT! CHANGES! EVERYTHING!
Captain Angel: You've been at war this long over such a small thing? That's so stupid!
Engineer Trev: MESSAGE!
Captain Angel: Huh?
Engineer Trev: Nothing. Carry on. I'm losing interest.
Captain Angel: A hole on your face is why you have two different cultures, and kill each other?
Talosian Chief: It is more than that, but....but yeah... I guess when you put it like that, it's really dumb. By the way, why did you call me Talosian Chief?
Captain Angel: Would you rather I call you Dad? Haha!
Lt. Mike: Not the best time for that joke sir!
Lt. Amigo: We're going to die.
Captain Angel: I just meant, why wouldn't I?
Talosian Chief: What is "Talosian"?
Captain Angel: Uh...well you are. That's the planet you live on. Talos 45.
Talosian Chief: But we refer to our home as Wigwoom!
Captain Angel: Haha, that's cute, but it's ACTUALLY Talos 45.
Talosian Chief: BUT-
Captain Angel: That's what it's called. Sorry. Can't help you.
Lt. Mike: The 45th planet in the system. Makes you wonder how they don't smash into each other right?
Lt. Amigo: I'm wondering how we're all cool with these lame naming conventions.
Lt. Mike: Yeah, I guess I'd want MY planet to be Talos 1, cause it's the best and all. By the way, how is the arrow in your chest?
Lt. Amigo: It's still there, so I'm going to say my condition is about the same.
Lt. Mike: And we didn't bring Degrees.
Engineer Trev: No, you brought me for some stupid reason.
Captain Angel: You said you wanted to go!
Engineer Trev: Right, and you let me.
Captain Angel: Well Talosian Chief....and uh...other Talosian Chief, I-
Other Talosian Chief: We are the Chooloof.
Captain Angel: Whatever. I'm sure whatever you're fighting for, can't be more important than your lives. Can't we work out some peace here?
Talosian Chief: You mean after you had relations with my daughter?!
Captain Angel: I was hoping you were going to forget that honestly. Listen, if it helps, I really hope she doesn't get pregnant.
Talosian Chief: How could she? Males get pregnant.
Captain Angel: Wait, does that mean she was a du-no wait....she had a vag. She had a vag, SHE HAD A VAG TREV!
Engineer Trev: What?! I believe you! Damn!
Lt. Paradise: Captain, it seems that the only humanoid life forms on this entire planet are the men and women in these caves.
Captain Angel: What? Seriously? You just hang around in this small caves?
Talosian Chief: They are our homes!
Other Talosian Chief: You would expect us to leave and give them up to the Quarm?
Captain Angel: Yeah! I would! The sensor scan under the atmosphere shows that this planet is covered in plants and water! It's a paradise around the equator!
Other Talosian Chief: But it was once desolated due to war! How long have we been fighting for?
Engineer Trev: MESSAGE!
Captain Angel: Why do you keep doing that?
Talosian Chief: How could we have known that the world repaired itself?
Captain Angel: You can see outside from here? You're all really weird alright? Look, it just seems weird that you're all fighting some stupid war in these tiny caves, when paradise is right out there. How far deep are they anyways? You guys had to have noticed SOMETHING odd on the way over?
Other Talosian Chief: Not really. We are right over there.
Captain Angel: What?! That looks like the same encampment!
Talosian Chief: See the line on the ground? That's the border. We guard it with our lives. You better not step over it Chooloof!
Other Talosian Chief: Same to you Quarm!
Captain Angel: Hey! You're TALOSIANS alright?! This is Talos 45! Alright, do you think you could like, set aside your differences, and go back to living outside?
Talosian Chief: I suppose we'd be really stupid to not do so now.
Other Talosian Chief: Agreed. It appears that the whole planet will once again belong to us, and maybe this time we can keep it peaceful and-
Captain Angel: That's great and all, but you can't have the WHOLE planet. In fact, You can MAYBE have like 10% of it? See, we staked our claim for the Federation, hence this being Talos 45 now.
Talosian Chief: What?
Other Talosian Chief: You are here to take our planet?! Why?
Captain Angel: First off, we didn't know you were here, so my bad. This ALSO a violation of the Prime Directive, but we're going to ignore that.
Lt. Paradise: I'm not.
Captain Angel: YOU'D BETTER! Secondly, the Federation has a manifest about exploring and expanding. We believe it is our destiny. You COULD say it's a manifest de-
Lt. Paradise: *touches comm badge* This is Chief of Security Paradise with-
Captain Angel: I SAID DON'T!
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Re: Star Trek: The Farce Awakens
?
Captain Angel: Captain's Log. We've found ourselves quite the find today. On our way, continuing the mission to the known reaches of the Alpha Quadrant, we have come across a new planet that doesn't appear on any star charts. This leads me to one of two conclusions. Either this planet wasn't always here, some asshole got real lazy with the charting. Now they're making me do it, and that's just more work. Also, the people on the planet have established contact, and wish to meet. We're beaming up their Ambassador shortly.
Transporter Room
Captain Angel, Commander Tal'i, and Engineer Trev entered the Transporter Room, ready to great their guest.
Captain Angel: I'm just saying, I'm hoping it's a lady.
Engineer Trev: Of course you are. Making up for lost time out here after the embarrassment at the Academy eh?
Captain Angel: Hey! You said you'd never tell anyone about that! Besides, I'm not trying to "bed" every new species we come across! I don't know where you got that idea.
Commander Tal'i: You sir. You were on comms and thought you were recording your personal log.
Captain Angel: For the last time, that was a joke. It was entirely a joke! I just think it would be nice if like, some women were in charge in space you know? I consider myself a feminist.
Engineer Trev: Yeah alright. Psht.
Captain Angel: Stop yakking and start beaming dammit.
Engineer Trev: You got it "boss".
Captain Angel: Energize.
An old man with long hair, wearing furs was beamed aboard the Newbaur.
Captain Angel: Oh.
Commander Tal'i: Welcome aboard the USS Newbuar. This is Captain Angel and Commander Morris, our Chief Engineer. I am Commander Tal'i.
Alien Ambassador: Thank you for seeing me. I am Thorthfar, fourth Prylec to the Quadmar Republic.
Captain Angel: Anyone else notice he's speaking English?
Engineer Trev: Huh, how bout that.
Captain Angel: Excuse me Thorthfar, I couldn't help but notice you speak out language.
Thorthfar: I had time to look over your language.
Captain Angel: ....You had an hour to look it over.
Thorthfar: We are fast learners.
Captain Angel: You understand the concept of an hour.
Thorthfar: Fast learners.
Captain Angel: Uh-huh. You also look just like us.
Thorthfar: Us humanoids tend to look similar I would imag-
Captain Angel: Your planet is green. It has a different atmosphere, and you revolve around a red giant. The process of evolution alone would make us VASTLY different! Plus, this planet isn't even supposed to be here. Also, I feel like you were just making that stuff up about being the fourth Prylec to the Quadmar Republic.
Thorthfar: ....Dammit, he actually saw through it!
Engineer Trev: I'm surprised too!
Captain Angel: Huh?
Engineer Trev: We almost had you!
Thorthfar: I'm actually an Engineer myself sir. I'm Clemons. This is actually Gremulus 7, a Star Fleet outpost.
Captain Angel: But it wasn't on the charts!
Engineer Trev: That was me. I saw we were nearing the outpost, and got in touch with them about a little practical joke.
Captain Angel: Tal'i? Were you in on this?
Commander Tal'i: I was not sir, however I was suspicious, and curious to see where it was going.
Captain Angel: ...I bet you think this is hilarious Commander?
Engineer Trev: I do. I really really do.
Engineer Clemons: You were right Trev. The look on his face is priceless! Ahaha!
Engineer Trev: Thorthfar?
Engineer Clemons: Just pulled all of that out of my ass, including this costume. Can you imagine actual alien races looking like this and speaking English INSTANTLY! Hahaha!
Engineer Trev: You should have spoke jibberish! He wouldn't have known better!
Engineer Clemons: You're right! Hahahaha!
Captain Angel: Beam him off my ship. Very funny. You tell the rest of those clowns down there not to laugh too hard, or I might just rain down some phaser fire! *touches comm badge* Lt. Paradise, come down to the transporter room and apprehend Chief Engineer Morris. He's spending the night in the brig, Now THAT'S funny.
Lt. Paradise: *on the comm badge* So he got you with the prank huh?
Captain Angel: ....*on the comm badge* Throw yourself in the brig too.
Engineer Trev: Worth it. Totally worth it.
Captain Angel: Laugh it up! Tal'i, did I see you trying to stifle laughter?
Commander Tal'i: Vulcans don't laugh sir.
Captain Angel: ....I've got my eye on you. More than usual.
The Captain cursed under his breath as he stepped into the turbolift to return to the bridge.
Captain Angel: Stupid Trevor, won't stop being a jerk to me, even though I'm the Captain. I demand respect! When I get a chance I need to bury my face in a giant pair of alien ti-
Ensign Faris: Captain!
Captain Angel: Faris, I need to see you in my ready room, so I can bury-
Ensign Faris: Captain look.
Captain Angel: Huh?
Captain Angel looked at the view screen, where he saw several cloaked Klingon Birds of Prey surrounding the Newbaur.
Captain Angel: Oh.
Last edited by Machismo (9/01/2020 4:54 am)
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