?

The show opened from black, revealing a cold, dimly lit room, its atmosphere thick with eerie silence. Chains hang from the ceiling, slowly swaying as if stirred by an unseen force. The room is barely illuminated by a faint light coming from a single flickering bulb in the distance. The clinking of the chains echoes through the space as two figures approach from the shadows—Preacher Ra and The Auditor. 

Preacher Ra: In the valley of death, where light dares not shine, there is only one truth... all things must return to the dust, ya dig? Void... the name itself speaks of emptiness, of nothingness. And at the Saturn Dome, that is exactly what you shall become. A hollowed-out shell. A soul bound for the earth, buried under the weight of your own sins. You will be swallowed by the ground, a mere whisper beneath the surface, forgotten like all the others who stood in defiance of fate."

The Auditor: KYO... our chosen harbinger, has waited long enough. Karasu hungers for your soul, but KYO...well he's first in line, and it would be very impolite to get in the way. You have waged war against the unknown, Void, and now you shall meet the unknown in the most final of ways. At the Saturn Dome... there will be no mercy. No escape. Only soil. Cold. Unforgiving. Final.

Preacher Ra: A Buried Alive match. A fitting end for a man who has already been buried by his failures. You will feel the earth consume you, piece by piece. And as the last grain of soil covers your broken body, you will hear the silence... the silence of your end. KYO will bury you alive, Void. And when the dust settles... only darkness will remain.

-

Ted Pettentool: Well, well, well, that's a way to start a show huh? I didn't wet myself, but I wanted to! Folks, your boy Ted Pettentool is back with another E1 Climax 2024 recap, and what a wild ride we had tonight at the Twoson Fairgrounds! I hope you’re buckled in, because it’s gonna get bumpy faster than Colby Roads' losing streak! Sorry, Colby, but facts are facts, my friend. Let's get right into it today! Yep! No extra guests or-

Tali Mach: Oh no you don't! 

Ted Pettentool: Ah! You startled me! 

Tali Mach: Yeah, I did it on purpose. I'm here too, don't you forget about that! I didn't wheel myself into this building that only has one ramp IN THE BACK to not get paid Toolbox! Let's do this thing! 

Ted Pettentool: They should probably add more ramps. 

Tali Mach: You think?

Ted Pettentool: We started the night with Void vs. Takumi Inui, and man, let me tell you, this had the makings of a certified banger. Void came in ready to throw hands, but Takumi Inui was like, “Not today, buddy!” After getting rocked by Void’s offense, he shook it off with the flick of his wrist! It was going great until Preacher Ra and The Auditor sent out the mysterious Karasu, who caught Void's attention. Inui wasn't waiting for him to refocus, and hit Void with the Crimson Smasher, which sounds like a cocktail but is actually a devastating flying kick that would knock out a rhino! Inui’s stacking points faster than I stack bad puns—he’s looking to be a serious contender!

Tali Mach: I see something familiar about Void from time to time. Can't put my finger on it. Love the new mask though. I keep hoping he's going to put those SUFFER douchebags in the ground. Maybe if they keep poking at him, we'll see what happens. Love a good show. 

Ted Pettentool: Right. Personally? They scare the heck out of me! Oh boy, we had Queen Beryl in action next, and if you thought the Queen was going to play nice, then you’re clearly new here. Beryl went full “evil overlord mode” on Rei Hino, and let me just say, Rei put up a valiant fight... but Beryl is on a roll since joining EBW. It didn't help that Mamoru Chiba and Erica accompanied Rei to the ring, and Usagi is still hesitant to fight Mamoru. After Beryl hit her with a Queen’s Curb Stomp, it was all over. I’d make a joke here, but I’m actually a little afraid Beryl might come after me. Moving on!

Tali Mach: She don't scare me! That's a *bleep* I wish I could've tangled with her before my accident! I won't let it stop me though! I'll still fight! I've shown I can do that!

Backstage

Usagi Tsukino, the champion of justice, was pacing angrily, her eyes burning with frustration. She was waiting for someone—her frustration only growing as the seconds ticked by. Finally, the man she’d been waiting for arrived. Star Prince Tack Angel stepped into the frame, his once heroic aura now twisted into something dark and arrogant. His outfit gleamed in the low light, but there was something cold about him now, something detached. Usagi immediately rounded on him, not holding back.

Usagi Tsukino: Tack, what is wrong with you?! You’ve sided with Queen Beryl, with the Negaverse! Over Makoto?! Over the one person who’s stood by you, who loved you for who you were?! How could you throw all of that away?!"

Tack Angel: Oh, Usagi, Usagi... sweet, innocent, naive Usagi. You really think I’m bound by something as trivial as love? As one woman? Please. I’ve ascended beyond that. What Makoto offered me was... fine. It was quaint, even. But settling? That’s not in my nature. I’m destined for so much more."

Usagi Tsukino: Destined for more?! More than love? More than loyalty? More than everything you fought for? You’re throwing it all away for what? Power? To be Beryl’s pawn?"

Tack Angel: Pawn? Oh no, Usagi, I’m nobody’s pawn. Queen Beryl and her so-called ‘Negaverse’—they're just tools, stepping stones to what I really deserve. You see, I don’t care about being tied down to one woman. Why should I settle for one, when I could have hundreds?"

Usagi Tsukino: Hundreds? What are you even talking about?!

Tack Angel: Oh, it’s simple, really. If I had things my way, I’d be surrounded by wives—obedient, loyal, and completely devoted to me. Their only thoughts? How to serve me, how to make me happy. No conflict, no questioning, no resistance. Just pure, unwavering devotion. Isn’t that the dream, Usagi? Complete control over my life, my surroundings... and my women.

Usagi Tsukino: That’s sick, Tack! That’s not love! That’s not even life! You’ve lost your way! This isn’t the person Makoto fell in love with! This isn’t the person anyone cared about!

Tack Angel: Love, life... those are just illusions, Usagi. They’re chains, and I’ve broken them. I’m not bound by silly notions of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ anymore. I’m free to shape my world exactly how I want it. Makoto? She’s a relic of a past I don’t need. She could never give me what I truly desire."

Usagi Tsukino: You really think power and control are worth losing everyone who ever cared about you? You think Beryl will let you have that freedom? You’re just setting yourself up to be destroyed."

Tack Angel: Destroyed? No, Usagi. I’ll be worshipped. And soon enough, you’ll see just how wrong you are. I’ll rise above everything—and everyone.

Usagi Tsukino: You’ve made your choice, Tack. But don’t think for a second that the Sailor Guardians will stand by and let you get away with this. We’ll stop Beryl, and we’ll stop you.

Tack Angel: Good luck with that, Usagi. You’re going to need it.

-

Ted Pettentool: Alright, folks, gather ‘round because it’s time to talk about Colby “Still Searching for a Win” Roads. Colby must have thought he had a chance against the human wrecking ball that is Troy. Spoiler alert: he didn’t. Troy hit Colby with a Big Boot so powerful that Colby’s mixed race racism ending children probably felt it. And then, just for fun, Troy threw in a Punt Kick. Why? Because sometimes kicking a guy in the face just isn’t enough. Troy grabs the W, and Colby? Well, Colby gets my condolences... again. Keep trying, bud. You got this... probably... maybe.

Tali Mach: I don't like this 'Story'. The Three Star General is the epitome of mid. That's right, I said mid, I learned it from Justice, who is spending too much time on his tablet. You know I never thought I'd be a good mother. I don't much care for children. It's irony that I spend most of my time with them...and a sentient robot. It's amazing how little that stuns people. 

Ted Pettentool: Anything can happen in EBW! 

Tali Mach: Yeah, but this is at my house though! 

Ted Pettentool: Geoff Garrett vs. KYO was up next, and boy, these two brought the fight! KYO came in all fired up, like SUFFER just had a blood sacrifice in the back or something, but Geoff Garrett? He’s the motivated crafty veteran who’s been in this game long enough to handle monsters like KYO. After a solid match filled with reversals and power moves, Garrett hit The Stroke as KYO tried to lock in the Hell Claw, and pinned the dark monster in a shockingly clean manner! Garrett’s got more points than I have punchlines, and he’s gunning for the top spot!

Tali Mach: He's second in the points only to Tack! Can't wait to see that one. I'm rooting for Double G obviously. 

Ted Pettentool: You're not a fan of Tack since he embraced his dark side huh?

Tali Mach: What? No, I don't care about that stuff. He's always just been sus to me. Yeah, I said sus. Justice is learning some strange words. I don't need Truth picking them up. Imagine trying to talk to Hope with this lingo. She's even MORE confused! 

Ted Pettentool: And now, the main event, folks! Tack Angel, the man with the most points in the E1, took on Rama Raju in a match that could have headlined any show. Tack Angel has been on a tear, and he wasn’t about to let Raju slow him down.This was a battle folks. This was Victory Explosion worthy! It's a main event on any card at any time. 

Tali Mach: Yeah, in all seriousness, we need to give credit where credit is due. Five star match right here. Even if Tack to me personally is MINUS FIVE STARS! 

Ted Pettentool: Ah yes, the famous quote from Chico Alvarez. Tack escaped the Burning Arrow, and jabbed Raju in the eye. He slapped the man from Dalaam, and tried to put the fire OUT! After a head kick that probably reset Raju’s Wi-Fi connection, Tack hit him with the WRIST CLUTCH Heaven Driver—seriously, this guy has more names for his moves than I do ex-girlfriends. Tack gets the win, the crowd goes wild, and Raju’s left wondering what just hit him. Spoiler: It was Tack Angel’s boot.

Tali Mach: Tack brought his game to a new level to be able to do that to Raju. The man was on top of the wrestling world for nearly a solid year! I still say Trevor beat him in the match that split the brands, but that might be bias. It's probably bias. I am SO biased. 

Ted Pettentool: An incredible match to end another exciting show for the Xcite brand! 

Commercial

Vape is standing in a creepy alleyway with stacks of boxes. 

Vape: Hey guys, Vape here! You might know me from like….so many different things, but maybe I'm best known for EBW, OR the lawsuit I'm currently dealing with that's been playing out on television. The next Weinstein they call me. I have a list guys! I have names, and I'm not trying to kill myself! When I have that belt around my neck it's for other things! So moving on, I'm here today because Vape is evolving folks. That's right, I have a new business! I'm now selling blow up dolls of your favorite EBW Women's wrestlers and Lady Renegades! Yep! I got boxes and boxes of blow up dolls here, with all four holes! Can you guess where the fourth is?! *whispers* Look behind the knee. Hahaha! In all seriousness, these are perfect for when you want your waifu around for the good ol' fashioned *bleep* and *bleep*. What? I can't say that? Uh, let's say Seed and Feed, formerly Chuck's, but my name isn't Sneed, it's "The Popfather" now! Why? Cause like…when I try to use them…they pop…a lot.

Vape pulls out several popped dolls of EBW's top female stars. 

Vape: The Popfather isn't a Pimp, he's a pump, so climb aboard the BLOOOOOOOW Train! Hahaha!

Suddenly the commercial paused, and an aghast Jammer was seen in a room staring daggers into Vape, who was sporting a black eye. 

Jammer: WHAT IS THIS?! WHY IS THIS!?

Vape: It's the new business! 

Jammer: THIS IS INSANE! YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND! DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU'VE DONE!? People know we're in business together?! They're going to tie this to me! Why do you have a black eye!?

Vape: …Keep uh…keep watching the commercial.

Jammer unpaused the commercial as Vape pulled out a defective blow up doll missing its legs. 

Vape: Hey, look at this one! It's got no legs, so we'll call this one the M's Special! Hahaha! It can even be half off! HAHAHA! 

*POOF!* 

Vape: HUH?!

Trevor Mach flew out of a puff of smoke and kneed Vape in the face while Alter Bridge started playing. Jammer paused the video again. 

Jammer: He brought back the poof just to knee you in the face, and I have to face this guy in the E1! That's my next match!!!

Vape: …I don't see why this is a big deal. 

Jammer: I want to know which one that is. 

Vape: Which one what is?! 

Jammer: The doll you have jammed down your tights thinking I wouldn't notice. That better not be Jenny! 

Vape: …..

Jammer: It's Jenny isn't it? 

Vape: It's Jenny…yeah. 

Jammer: You're about to have two black eyes. 

Vape: *looks at the camera* It's not easy being Va- *punched* OW!

EBW: Xcite "E1 Climax 2024"
Twoson Fairgrounds, Twoson
ENN

1. E1 Xcite Block: Void[6] vs. Takumi Inui[5]
Winner: Takumi Inui via Crimson Smasher -> Pin -> 2 Points!

2. Women's Singles: Queen Beryl vs. Rei Hino 
Winner: Queen Beryl via Queen's Curb Stomp -> Pin  

3. E1 Xcite Block: Troy[2]  vs. Colby Roads[0]
Winner: Troy via Big Boot x Punt Kick -> Pin -> 2 Points! 

4. E1 Xcite Block: Geoff Garrett[6] vs. KYO[4] 
Winner: Geoff Garrett via The Stroke -> Pin -> 2 Points! 

5. E1 Xcite Block: Tack Angel[10] vs. Rama Raju[7]
Winner: Tack Angel via Head Kick x WRIST CLUTCH Heaven Driver -> Pin -> 2 Points! 




Havok opened with the new "Metalbound Brotherhood" version of Metal Rush coming out to the ring. A big reaction to the new theme, the former Blood 4 Blood members decked out in Metal Rush t-shirts, and Ness standing side by side with Trevor Mach, bumping fists and smiling to the crowd again. 

Trevor Mach: YEEEEAH BABY! It's the Metalbound Brotherhood! You feel that? That's a rush! That's a metal rush! Oh I can feel it! This…this is right, and it's oh so ironic. How could you not love it! Fighting metal with metal! I'd give the mic to Ness, as he's the OG of EBW AND the OG of Metal Rush, but he doesn't-

Suddenly, Ness motioned for the microphone. 

Ness: …*clears throat* You know, sometimes in life, you gotta go by what you feel deep down inside. Not a psychic premonition, but a gut instinct. The instinct to do what's right. I could go into a thousand reasons as to why I'm with this group here, but it's bigger than any one of us. This felt right for me. I didn't turn my back on anyone. I carry the banner high for Metal Rush, the true Metal Rush, and what it means. Trevor said it best. We decide what it means. Something big is happening here, and it was time to make a choice. It was time to …heh…speak up.

Subculture: That's right, and we're glad you did! Didn't feel right, wanting to knock the block off the OG player, but now you're Metalbound, and so am I. Hope I didn't break any hearts with my performance last week. This was never in doubt. I'm tired of the cliches, that you can't trust anyone in this business. I was a street dog for many years. I didn't trust anybody. I trust these men to watch my back, and I'll watch their back. Is that hokey? Corny? Outdated? Maybe that's what we need. I'm an old school guy. Look, I still have a flip phone. I know how to fight, that's what I do. I'm not looking to get into the latest trends. I'm looking into battering Boomtown for the TV title, and I'm looking into battering Poo for getting in my way on more than one occasion. Oh, so you're royalty? Even better! Can't wait! 

Trevor Mach: I think we need to hear from the World Champion! The man! The myth! Ness's boy! My boy! It's CADE YAGGIS! 

Cade Yaggis: You know... when I first won this EBW World Championship, I thought nothing could top that feeling. I thought being the man in EBW was the pinnacle... but as I stand here, wearing this title, being a part of something bigger than myself, I realize there’s more to it. This is about family... this is about brotherhood... and this is about Metal Rush! Metal Rush isn’t just a name—it’s a legacy! A way of life that was built with blood, sweat, and every broken bone in this ring. But for the last few months, things haven’t felt right. My mentor... my older brother... Ness. We were at odds. We fought, we bled, and we went to war. But through all that fire, something greater was forged. And now, we stand united once again! Rufus Poochyfud... yeah, I’m talking to you, Poochy! "Boss," you’re trying to twist Metal Rush into your own sick vision. You tried to turn us against each other, to tear down everything we built from the inside. But you failed, man! You FAILED! Because what you don’t understand is that THIS Metal Rush isn’t just a team—it’s a metalbound brotherhood! And you cannot break a brotherhood this strong! And together... together, we’re gonna smash Rufus Poochyfud’s twisted vision of EBW and Metal Rush into the ground! We’re taking it ALL back!

Trevor Mach: Picky? You got something? 

Picky Minch: Am I the only one shocked that Ness spoke? I lived next to this dude for years. Never talked to me! No, I got nothing. 

Trevor Mach: Great! Mac? No? Well I got something! It's not about Pooch! It's not about Poo! Can't be about Paula! 

Ness: …I'd rather it not be. 

Trevor Mach: Oh it's not! Weird that you're talking, but I like it. It's about Crono and it's about Magus. Magus buddy, you had my back at Victory Explosion, and I still have yours. Open invitation to join the Metalbound Brotherhood. Crono? You kicked my as- butt a couple times *dollar in the swear jar* but you ain't got my number, I'm not down and out, and I'm too stubborn to die. Tonight, I deal with the baller, but next week, the last week of the block matches, I'm either going to break your nose with a Knee Trigger, or I'm gonna DROP ya with the Burning Machismo! Either way I! OWN! YOU!

Poochyfud's VIP Office

Rufus Poochyfud: You’ve GOT to be kidding me! THIS is what they’re doing out there?! Cade Yaggis, parading around with MY championship, acting like he’s the future of EBW! Reunited with Ness? Pfft! Metal Rush… MY Metal Rush... should be out there ending this nonsense right now!

Crono: ...

Rufus Poochyfud: Not all the mutes have something to say today it seems. 

Boomtown: This is a joke. They think their ‘brotherhood’ means something? We’ll show them what real power is when we tear that ring apart with them inside it.

Rufus Poochyfud: Exactly! Exactly! This whole ‘brotherhood’ spiel? It’s just a bunch of sentimental garbage! It doesn't track with the kiddies, and it's bad for the demos. I don't like it! Havok and Metal Rush belong to ME now! They think they’ve got the edge just because they kissed and made up? Please! 

Hotlanta: We’re not gonna sit around and let them run their mouths like that. We’ve gotta go out there and shut them down, now!

Poo: I’m with you, Hotlanta. We’ve waited long enough. I’ve fought Ness before, I know what makes him tick, and this time… this time, we end them once and for all.

Generator: Let me rip Yaggis apart. I’ll make him regret every word he said out there. If Ness gets in my way, he’ll meet the same fate.

Seto Kaiba: Hmph, typical Yaggis and Ness. Thinking they’ve won just because they’re back on the same page. They have no idea what real strategy looks like. We’re not just muscle, we’re smarter. And that championship? It’s going back to the real Metal Rush.

Rufus Poochyfud: EXACTLY, Kaiba! That’s why you’re here. You all have the brains and the muscle to make sure this entire company falls under MY rule. And the first step is wiping that smug look off Yaggis’ face. I thought I hated Mach, but I might hate that smug little bastard even more! Alright, listen up! We’re going out there, but we’re not just going to rip their heads off, oh no. We’re going to make an example out of them. We’re going to crush them in front of all those fans who think Metal Rush is still some symbol of hope! And when we’re done, no one will question who runs EBW.”

Boomtown: Finally, we’re doing this!

Hotlanta: I’ve been waiting to wreck Cade’s world.

Poo: I’ll take care of Ness. Again.

Seto Kaiba: It’s about time we remind everyone why this Metal Rush is superior.

Rufus Poochyfud: Metal Rush isn’t a brotherhood, it’s a machine! MY MACHINE! And machines crush everything in their path! GAME OVER! 

As the gang rushed out to meet the other Metal Rush, they found Paula and Schala standing in their way. 

Rufus Poochyfud: Princess, I'm going to need you to move. 

Paula: Have we forgotten that this is a collaboration Rufus? We brought you back for a purpose. 

Rufus Poochyfud: I held up my end, and I got what I wanted. From here on out, we're turning up the heat. It is not my fault your husband is a traitor. Don't put that on me! 

Paula: What we're doing is bigger than this. 

Rufus Poochyfud: I don't hear that when you and the ladies are beating down people YOU have a problem with. Princess, your goals are your goals. I'm willing to work with you on that, but you have to stay out of my way. You have some leverage, I get that. I don't know who is under your mental thumb or not. I respect that. That's why we can make this work. 

Paula: What makes you think you're not under my "mental thumb" Rufus? 

Rufus Poochyfud: Cause I'm a meaner mother*bleep*er than you're capable of making me. *wink* Fine Princess….we'll hold off…for now….just this once. Call it…a favor. 

Ted Pettentool: Folks, I am barely surviving this edition of the E1 Climax Report! Why, you ask? Well, not only did we witness an incredible night of action for the Xciters, but we have an action-packed night at the Reefside Arena next. Plus, I’ve got the pleasure of still being ‘assisted’ by none other than Tali Mach!

Tali Mach: Less talking, more reporting, Ted. And you call this assisting? I’m stuck here listening to you ramble. You know, I could do your job better with one leg.

Ted Pettentool: Yup, you’ve mentioned that... eight times now. Alright, fine, let’s dive in before she runs me over—literally. We kicked off with Amigo taking on Firebrand X, and folks, it was a barn burner. Amigo came out swinging, but Firebrand X hit him with that Fire Thunder Driver, and bam! 2 more points in the bag. I mean, I’ve seen some rough drivers in Twoson, but that Fire Thunder Driver? Unstoppable!

Tali Mach:  This is a waste of time. Firebrand should be focusing on something more important—like world domination. I mean think about it. Arremer X is a superhero, so shouldn't he be a super villain? He'd be an unstoppable force! 

Ted Pettentool: Uh... right. Well, speaking of unstoppable forces.

Tali Mach: Don't belittle me Ted. 

Ted Pettentool: I'm not! Up next was Trevor Mach, and hooooo boy, do I have to tread carefully on this one! One of my favorites, my idol, and apparently Tali’s daily source of headaches.

Tali Mach: Daily? Try hourly.

Ted Pettentool: Yup, that sounds right.

Tali Mach: But he's got the medicine too, if you know what I mean. 

Ted Pettentool: Yeah I think I d-

Tali Mach: *bleep*ing *bleep*ing *bleep* *bleep* *bleeeeeeeeeep* *bleep bleep bleep* *bleep* 

Ted Pettentool: MY EARS! *clears throat*  Trevor faced off against Jammer, and let me tell you, Jammer put up a fight. It was like a MIRROR MATCH! But when Mach hit that Knee Trigger, it was lights out for the b-baller Jammer. You could feel that knee all the way up in the cheap seats! Another 2 points for Trevor, who’s climbing the E1 Climax ranks like he's avoiding chores at home.

Tali:  If only he climbed as fast as the laundry piles up. He seriously hates laundry. He'll wash and dry, but he refuses to fold. 

Ted Pettentool: Oooof. Moving on. Now, we had ourselves a main event-worthy match right in the middle of the card—Zyro Kurogane vs. Crono! Both guys came in with equal points, and they tore the house down. I swear, Zyro was flipping around like a ninja who missed his bus, but Crono? Crono had a plan…a TIMELY plan. Eh? He escaped the Straight Jacket Hagen with a back kick low blow. That dirty tactic was unlike Crono, but he and Metal Rush want that E1 victory. After hitting the Chrono Trigger, he secured the pin, and boom—Crono moves ahead!

Tali Mach: Crono is a douchebag, so I can't wait until Trevor invites him to crash at our place! 

Ted Pettentool: How about a little non-title tag action for your viewing pleasure? Please? Boz had to try and play with others in this tag bout. I did say TRY. He and Dragon Shiryu teamed up to face Hotlanta and Generator. And if you're wondering who took the win, well it might surprise you! Yes, Boz DID walk out of the match halfway through, but something happened with Shiryu. The man, the Ring Saint, the fighter whose heart stopped in the middle of the ring, only for it to be "SMASHED" back into action by Takumi Inui. He shocked the World Tag Team Champions! Dragon Shiryu unleashed his Rozan Shoryu-Ha on Generator. Honestly, I’d try to explain what that move is, but just picture a dragon flying out of nowhere and punching you in the soul. That’s basically it. That's what I see anyway. I could possibly be hallucinating. He won the match by himself! Find you a partner and go for the gold Dragon! We love it! 

Tali Mach: Rozan Shoryu-Ha? Sounds like something Trevor yells in his sleep.

Ted Pettentool:  What was up next? The women’s match? Oh man, what a brawl! Hope Mach, along with the James sisters, faced off against Paula, Darkness Aoi, and Mitra Lennox. Dem Girlz have a war ahead of them with Aoi and Lennox. A Dog Collar ⅔ Falls match for the straps IN THE DOME!?

Tali Mach: They ARE all a bunch of *bleep*es after all. 

Ted Pettentool: Even Dem Girlz? 

Tali Mach: ESPECIALLY Dem Girlz, but that's why I love em! 

Ted Pettentool: Your daughter Hope fought like a warrior, but when Paula locked in that Sharpshooter, it was game over. Referee stoppage, folks. Paula’s got a submission game so tight, I thought Hope was gonna be limping out of the ring. 

Tali Mach: Hope’s stubborn. Someone should remind her she doesn’t always have to be a hero.

Ted Pettentool:  Is that... motherly advice?

 Tali Mach: I mean I would never tap out either, but I'm a massive hypocrite so I don't give a *bleep* 

Ted Pettentool: Back to the report. We closed the night with Ness vs. Magus. Ness has been needing some momentum, and boy, did he get it. The new Co-Lead of a new Metal Rush, the "Metalbound Brotherhood" is wanting to bring Magus into the fold in their fight against Poochyfud's Metal Rush, but he's more interested in fighting Crono and saving his sister most of the time! Magus brought his dark magic... or, like, his brooding aura or whatever. But Ness hit dusted off his big time finisher to put him down, the PK Rockin OMEGA, and I’m telling you, it was like a Super Smash Bros. finisher except he didn't go flying off the screen! Magus went down, and Ness grabbed 2 points!

Tali Mach: PK Rockin? Why does that sound like a cereal brand?

Ted Pettentool: Because it should be. ‘PK Rockin: It’s cereal... and it kicks your butt!’

Tali Mach: You’re fired.

Ted Pettentool: You can’t fire me! 

Tali Mach: Don’t test me, Pettentool.

Ted Pettentool: After the match, Trevor ran out, and he and Ness tried to hand Magus a Metal Rush t-shirt. He grabbed it, and looked at it, but walked away without putting it on. He didn't throw it down or hand it back either though, so who knows?

Tali Mach: Considering he just lost, and he's fixated on liberating his sister, I say give the man some time to THINK!

EBW: 3-Hour Havok "E1 Climax 2024"
Reefside Arena, Reefside
ENT

1.  E1 Havok Block: Amigo[2] vs. Firebrand X[3] 
Winner: Firebrand X via Fire Thunder Driver -> Pin -> 2 Points! 

2.  E1 Havok Block: Trevor Mach[6] vs. Jammer[5] 
Winner: Trevor Mach via Knee Trigger -> Pin -> 2 Points! 

3.  E1 Havok Block: Zyro Kurogane[8] vs. Crono[8]
Winner: Crono via Chrono Trigger -> Pin -> 2 Points! 

4. Non-Title Tag: Boz/Dragon Shiryu vs. Hotlanta/Generator 
Winners: Dragon Shiryu via Rozan Shoryu-Ha on Generator -> Pin 

5.  Lady Renegade 6-Woman Tag: Hope Mach/Jenny James/Jessy James vs. Paula/Darkness Aoi/Mitra Lennox 
Winners: Paula[o]/Darkness Aoi/Mitra Lennox via Sharpshooter on Hope Mach -> Referee Stoppage 

6. E1 Havok Block: Ness[3] vs. Magus[5] 
Winner: Ness via PK Rockin OMEGA -> Pin -> 2 Points! 

Ted Pettentool: We end the report at Twoson Park and The Storm, where things got as wild as... well, Twoson Park at night. Let’s start with the ladies! Erica stepped into the ring looking like she meant business, and Sailor V—bless her venus-powered heart—just couldn’t keep up. Erica hit her with an Air Raid Crash so fast I almost spilled my popcorn. One...two...three, Erica walked away victorious! And you know what they say, when you crash from the air, you crash hard!

Tali Mach: More like a crash landing for Sailor V. Should’ve seen it coming...

Ted Pettentool: Point Man and Jaden Yuki! Now, there’s a pair I didn’t know I needed until tonight. They had LG Rod and Randy no Kachi reeling! Point Man is always reliable, but Jaden was the star. He pulled out the GX Factor—and let me tell ya, I haven’t seen a finish that smooth since I accidentally ironed my favorite shirt. LG Rod? Flattened like a pancake!"

Tali Mach: Should’ve ironed the match out better, LG Rod... idiot.

Ted Pettentool: Harsh, Tali, but fair. The crowd was electric, though. Yuki and Point Man are rising stars, no doubt about it! Finally, folks, our main event! The mustachioed marvel Magnum PT defended his Xcite Championship against CP Munk. That's right the Xcite Championship...on The Storm...again. Hey, we got the E1 going on right now. Now, CP Munk tried every trick in his book of... well, monkey business..or Munk-ey business? Magnum PT wasn’t having any of it. With that Mustache Ride—and no, Tali, it’s not as weird as it sounds—Magnum PT retains his title!

Tali Mach: Seriously? ‘Mustache Ride’? I hate everything about it. 

Ted Pettentool: Hey, don’t knock it. It’s a signature move. The crowd loves it!

Tali Mach: The crowd needs better taste.

Ted Pettentool: Anyway, Magnum PT’s reign continues, and CP Munk... well, he’s gotta take a hard look at that strategy book of his. Maybe skip a few pages.

EBW: The Storm[Xcite Control]
Twoson Park, Twoson
ENN

1. Women's Singles: Erica vs. Sailor V
Winner: Erica via Air Raid Crash -> Pin

2. Tag: Point Man/Jaden Yuki vs. LG Rod/Randy no Kachi
Winners: Point Man/Jaden Yuki[o] via GX Factor on LG Rod -> Pin 

3. EBW Xcite Championship: Magnum PT(c) vs. CP Munk 
Winner: Magnum PT via Mustache Ride -> Pin -> Title Defense! 




Ted Pettentool: And there you have it! Another night in the E1 Climax 2024 tournament, with scores shifting faster than Tali’s mood. Will Trevor Mach stay on top? Will Colby Roads finally win a match? Will Tali ever let me speak without threats? Find out next time on Ted Pettentool’s E1 Climax Report!

E1 Standings

Xcite Block

1. Tack Angel - 12 Points
2. Geoff Garrett - 8 Points
3. Rama Raju - 7 Points
3. Takumi Inui - 7 Points 
4. Void - 6 Points
5. KYO - 4 Points 
5. Troy - 4 Points
6. Colby Roads - 0 Points 

Havok Block

1. Crono - 10 Points
2. Zyro Kurogane - 8 Points
2. Trevor Mach - 8 Points
3. Jammer - 5 Points  
3. Magus - 5 Points 
3. Firebrand X - 5 Points
3. Ness - 5 Points
4. Amigo - 2 Points

Outside of the Twoson Fairgrounds

Bashin Dan, the EBW Champion signed autographs and took pictures with the fans, when Tack Angel approached, with The Story and Mamoru Chiba in tow. 

Bashin Dan: You guys wanting an autograph too? Just kidding, you're definitely here to play Battle Spirits right? Kidding again! I'm taking a week or two off from playing games. The last one...got a little too real. We all lived though, so that's a rel-

Tack Angel: I need you to shut up and LISTEN! Dan, I was a fan of yours once upon a time. I appreciated your fire and your spirit. You were a good role model for the kids, or so I thought. I've learned that you're far too willing to take people's crap, much like myself once upon a time, but I'm over it. I mean how dare ANYONE think they have the right to wear a mullet around me! 

Bashin Dan: Is that why you're bothering me right now? Is my hair getting too long for your liking? 

Tack Angel: I've seen you reach out to Makoto...and the other scouts. I've seen you try and be their "friend". Don't bother. Stay away from them. Look after yourself, and enjoy what little time you have left with that title, because I will go into the finale undefeated, and I will win the E1 once again. 

Bashin Dan: What makes you think Geoff Garrett isn't beating you tonight? 

Tack Angel: You think I'd go through all of this to falter to that mullet wearing, guitar swinging MORON!? I will CLUTCH the WRIST, and I will bring down his whole WORLD! BET ON IT! 

Bashin Dan: I like to bet on the underdog. 

Tack Angel: And THAT is why you're the wrong role model for children. ALWAYS go with the guarantee.




Ted Pettentool: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another thrilling edition of the E1 Climax Report! I’m Ted Pettentool, your faithful guide through the highs and lows of this wrestling tournament extravaganza. And joining me today, the mouthiest co-host, the fiercest, the queen of banter herself—Tali Mach!

Tali Mach: Thanks for having me, Ted. Let’s see if these boys lived up to the hype, or if they just flopped around like a bunch of idiots. I'm kidding! I already know what happened! I can't believe-

Ted Pettentool: Spoilers! 

Tali Mach: I can't believe Elvis showed up! 

Ted Pettentool: ...Elvis didn't show u- you're joking with me. 

Tali Mach: The joke is in the mirror Tedster. 

Ted Pettentool: ...Yeah. We’re going to jump right into it because things were shaking at the Twoson Fairgrounds, Tali. Let’s start with our first match, where Colby Roads needed a miracle!

Tali Mach: He sucks! 

Ted Pettentool: Right. The mysterious Void was doing well in the E1 Climax until...Colby Roads decided today was the day to be a hero? Void pummeled Colby with stiff strikes and suplexes, even teasing the Chaos Theory to finish it off, but the mysterious Karasu finally made his move and threw a black watery substance into the mask of Void. Colby was confused, but rolled through and caught Void off guard with a sneaky roll-up anyways! One, two, three—boom—the upset of the night!"

Tali Mach: Lame! Colby sucks! I had money down that he was going to go to the end winless, so this double sucks for me! Ra and The Auditor have only succeeded in pissing off Void more, and I think KYO's gonna get buried at the E1 Finale!

Backstage

Jaden Yuki was practicing his rapping, as he walked down the halls. He was stopped as he came across a large box. 

Jaden Yuki: Yo yo yo! Who leaves a person sized box in the middle of the hall?! This is whack! Is it one of those cursed boxes from a few years ago?! The gift things that kept turning up everywhere?! Why'd I have to be the one to find it! Point Man!

Point Man lowered himself down from the ceiling. 

Point Man: The Point Man is here! 

Jaden Yuki: YO! Were you following me? 

Point Man: The Point Man is always looking out for his friends! The Point Man is very very protective! 

Jaden Yuki: Apparently, but you nearly scared me to death B! 

Point Man: The Point Man apologizes! 

Jaden Yuki: What do you think is in that box over there? Is this a trap? 

Point Man: The Point Man does not believe so! The Point Man would know if SUFFER were behind this, due to the smell of blood, but the Point Man does not smell any! The Point Man also does not believe this to be the work of the dastardly Tack Angel! He is too transfixed on the flowing blonde mullet of our friend Geoff Garrett! No, the Point Man believes this to simply be a random box! 

Jaden Yuki: Whew! That's a load off my back dawg. These days you can never be too careful with what you find back stage at an EBW show, ESPECIALLY a person sized box that-

Suddenly, a figure jumped out of the box. A blonde man in suspenders with a bow tie! 



?: HI THERE! 

Jaden Yuki: WHOA! 

Point Man: THE POINT MAN IS SURPRISED! 

Jaden Yuki: Why are you dawg?

?: WHO ELSE BUT ZANE?! 

Jaden Yuki: Your name is Zane? 

Who Else But Zane: NOPE! IT'S WHO ELSE BUT ZANE! 

Point Man: The Point Man can see your name now! It WAS a question mark! 

Jaden Yuki: What were you doing in that box? 

Who Else But Zane: YOU JUST GOT ZANED! YEAH! 

Jaden Yuki: Don't you mean I just got Who Else But Zaned? Wait...where did he go?! 

Point Man: The Point Man didn't notice! The Point Man finds this newcomer elusive! 

-

Tali Mach: Well that was stupid! Is that a new character? It's stupid. 

Ted Pettentool: And now, a mixed tag match with more drama than a daytime soap. Seiya Kou and Usagi Tsukino took on Mamoru Chiba and the ever-dominant Erica, but let’s just say Mamoru’s newfound dark side really turned up the heat.

Tali Mach: That’s right, Ted. Mamoru was not holding back, and Erica looked like she was ready to tear into Seiya and Usagi like it was personal, and I know what she does when it's personal. Speaking of burials. She buried me six feet under once. You could see the tension between Mamoru and Usagi throughout the whole match, but the real turning point came when Mamoru put the Moonlight Sonata on Seiya. Erica held Usagi back and made her watch as her old flame tried to snuff out her new one. Brutal.

Ted Pettentool: And just like that, Mamoru and Erica walked away with the referee stoppage win. There’s definitely more to this story, but on that night, it was Mamoru’s night. Next up, Takumi Inui faced off against Troy, and what a match it was! Inui brought the heat from the start, but Troy wasn’t going down without a fight.

Tali Mach: Square headed idiot Troy gave it his all, but Inui’s on a roll lately. Trevor's a fan of that guy. You could see Troy struggling to keep up with Inui’s intensity. Every time Troy started building momentum, Inui would shut it down with that Crimson Smasher. When it connected, it was lights out for Troy.

Ted Pettentool: Inui racks up another 2 points, leaving Troy licking his wounds and wondering what went wrong."

Tali Mach: He wasn't licking his wounds. He was saying *bleep*ing *bleep* and *bleep*ity *bleep* *bleep*

Ted Pettentool: That's an astute point. We had a barnburner up next Tali! Rama Raju versus KYO had all the makings of a classic, but sometimes, fate has other plans. A hard-fought battle that ended in an unexpected count-out victory for Raju!

Tali Mach: KYO made a huge mistake here. He let his anger get the best of him, chasing Void outside the ring and forgetting about Raju AND the count. Raju’s smarter than that, and he was more than happy to take the win this way. No one’s gonna complain about 2 points, Ted.

Ted Pettentool: You’re absolutely right, Tali. KYO’s going to be kicking himself for this one. Raju moves up in the standings with a victory that was more mental than physical.

Tali Mach: Not hard to out think a psycho like KYO. He better enjoy being above ground while he can, cause Void is going to want to put him away before circling back to this Karasu monster. 

Ted Pettentool: And now for the main event of the night—Tack Angel took on Geoff Garrett in-

Tali Mach: AHAHAHAHAHAHA! 

Ted Pettentool: ...

Tali Mach: HAHAHAHA! 

Ted Pettentool: You alright Tali? 

Tali Mach: The DREAM match right? Tack versus Geoff Garrett. I think Tack was practically licking his chops for this one. 

Ted Pettentool: Indeed, they saved the best for last with this final Xcite Block match. The Dad Dudes EXPLODE! Tack didn't even wait for the match to start. He blindsided Double G on the way down to the ring. 

Tali Mach: Scumbag had it all! He had best friends that cared about him, a bus full of hot chicks, and THE best bus driver in Rick Shaw, but he threw it all away to be petty and stubborn. 

Ted Pettentool: Tack's been in his own little world lately, thinking he’s unbeatable and never wrong. And maybe that’s true, the unbeatable part anyways. He has been on an absolute TEAR....but tonight, Garrett reminded him that anything can happen! After dodging an Angel Driver, by fighting off the WRIST CLUTCH, Garrett hit The Stroke with the precision of a marksman. Tack was done. Geoff Garrett sends a message—no one’s untouchable.

Tali Mach: HAHAHAHAHA! And with that, Tack’s winning streak is over! Geoff Garrett walks away with 2 points. Actually he strutted away with them, as Tack destroyed everything he could get his hands on at ringside! You love to se-

Tack Angel: You loved to see that Tali? 

Tali Mach: .....

Tack Angel: Suddenly shutting up?

Tali Mach: I didn't like talking to you when you were FRIENDS with Trevor. What makes you think I'll talk now. 

Tack Angel: Don't think for one second that I'm going to put up with your mouth. You never gave me a fair shake! You've never been kind to me. You've always been a bully, and I hate bullies. 

Tali Mach: Oh yeah Tack? What are you going to do? Steal my wheelchair? 

Tack Angel: Do NOT push me. I want to make this as clear as I can. Geoff, I'm BEGGING you to do something for me. I can't stress enough how much I need this. I need you to win. I need you to beat your opponent and meet me in the finals, because I'm going to get justice! I will NOOOOOT allow you to beat me again! I will NOOOOOOT allow you to win the E1 Climax. You're not worthy of it, because you're trash from the south! Everyone from the south is TRASH, and I will NOOOOT lose to TRASH! 

Ted Pettentool: You DO realize who you're facing from Havok before the finals even happens right? 

Tack Angel: ...I said what I said.

EBW: Xcite "E1 Climax 2024"
Twoson Fairgrounds, Twoson
ENN

1. E1 Xcite Block: Colby Roads[0] vs. Void[6] 
Winner: Colby Roads via Roll Up -> Pin -> 2 Points! 

2. Mixed Tag: Seiya Kou/Usagi Tsukino vs. Mamoru Chiba/Erica 
Winner: Mamoru Chiba[o]/Erica via Moon

3. E1 Xcite Block: Takumi Inui[7] vs. Troy[4]
Winner: Takumi Inui via Crimson Smasher -> Pin -> 2 Points! 

4. E1 Xcite Block: Rama Raju[7] vs. KYO[4] 
Winner: Rama Raju via Count Out -> 2 Points! 

5. E1 Xcite Block: Tack Angel[12] vs. Geoff Garrett[8]
Winner: Geoff Garrett via The Stroke -> Pin -> 2 Points! 

Ted Pettentool: We're back, and we’re breaking down the latest from the final Havok Block of the E1 Climax at EBW’s 3-Hour Havok event in Reefside! Tali, things are heating up, aren’t they?

Tali Mach: Oh, you can say that again, Ted. It’s not just heating up; it’s on fire!

Ted Pettentool: My socks are on fire! 

Tali Mach: *puts away lighter* With the points on the line and tensions running high, there were some brutal matches tonight. Let’s not waste any more time—let’s dive right in! Kicking things off, we had the ever-energetic Jammer trying to get ahead against Amigo in a Havok Block match. You have to respect Amigo’s technical ability...or not...I don't care. Jammer brought his usual fast-paced offense, flying all over the place, but Amigo shut the baller down with a foreign object shot and that beautifully executed Bridging Hagen Suplex. It was like watching a master at work, I gotta admit. 

Ted Pettentool: *walked back in bare footed* Jammer’s no slouch, but it seemed like Amigo was prepared for everything he threw, and cheated when it was too much for him. Those 2 points go to Amigo. Not enough to make it to the finale obviously, but he seemed to enjoy playing spoiler. Next, we had one of the biggest surprises of the night—Zyro Kurogane taking on Magus. Zyro came in with momentum, but let’s just say Magus had other plans!

Tali Mach: Magus, as always, was ruthless. Zyro started strong, using his striking ability to keep Magus at bay, but you could see it coming—Magus was just waiting for the right moment to turn things around with that Scythe. Schala even came out, which has been a good tactic to take Magus off his game, but now this time. He hit the Scythe on Zyro-K BEY-BEY and when he followed it up with the Dark Matter Drop, Zyro had no chance of kicking out. Brutal stuff. 

Ted Pettentool: That’s the thing with Magus. He can take a beating, but the second you give him an opening, he’s ending it. Zyro’s now got to regroup if he wants to stay at the top, but he's had a great run in the E1. The former World Champion has had a lot to think about during the E1 with the collapse of his Samurai Ifrit group. Makes you wonder what he's got planned next? He had answers!

Backstage

Kid Havok: Kid Havok here with- 

Zyro Kurogane: ZYRO-K! BEY-BEEEEEEY! 

Kid Havok: You're in good spirits for someone who just-

Zyro Kurogane: Lost? Hot Topic almost took my head off with that Scythe. I'm just happy to be conscious right now! I had a good run! Didn't I have a good run? Yeah, I had a good run. While I wanted a shot at Yaggis, I might have to wait in line, but that's the name of the game. I-

Rufus Poochyfud: What makes you think you're going to have a place in the line? You were offered a place at the TABLE once, but you turned that down. We're not ones to make the same offer repeatedly. 

Zyro Kurogane: Oh look, it's the new "Boss". Ya know, I heard this guy once say over cigars, brandy, and a little white magic that he thinks all girls would be better gigasluts. That's when it hit me that Freud was right about you Pooch. You are attracted to women like your mother. 

Rufus Poochyfud: Careful. 

Zyro Kurogane: I try never to be careful if I can help it. 

Rufus Poochyfud: Here we go. This is the part where you try to play "hero" and stand up to the Boss?

Zyro Kurogane: Nah. You donate a kidney, and you're a hero. You donate ten of them, and suddenly you're under investigation. No, I just don't care for what you're selling. You sought out to dismantle my Samurai Ifrit. I don't like that sort of thing. That's why Isiah and I will-

Rufus Poochyfud: Will what? You're going to band together to stop me? How can you do that...when Isiah's been let go. 

Zyro Kurogane: What? 

Rufus Poochyfud: I got tired of seeing Mike's bastard getting paid. I cut him loose. Simple as that. 

Zyro Kurogane: ...Now you're the one not being careful. 

Rufus Poochyfud: I try never to be careful if I can help it. 

Zyro Kurogane: ...

Rufus Poochyfud: I like to play games too. 

Zyro Kurogane: I'm not playing. Watch yourself, or you'll have to choose between my right hand or my left. I call this one Concord, and this one Joker 2. 

Rufus Poochyfud: Why? 

Zyro Kurogane: Either way I'll drop a bomb on you.

-

Ted Pettentool: The action in the ring with Magus wasn't done yet though, as Schala and Paula both cut him off as he tried to leave!

-

Schala: Janus, my brother, do not leave with facing me. I must see your eyes, so I can know if you truly realize what you're doing. You're hurting me brother. 

Magus: You are no sister of mine. Whatever has you, had Ness, and has other members of your ilk, but it will not have me. I spent too many years fighting the influences of forces like Lavos to succumb to you. 

Schala: You must join me brother. We need to a reunion, to bring about the future. 

Magus: I want no future that you have planned. 

Paula: It's inevitable at this point. It's the same reason we came back, because what is isn't good enough, and we need to change the world. You could be an instrument of change. Join forces with Crono, take the lead of Metal Rush, and let's do this together. Look at me. 

Magus: Do not try and get in my head, either of you! I will NOT be joining Metal Rush! 

Trevor Mach: That's right! That's right, he's NOT joining Metal Rush...at least not YOUR Metal Rush! *throws Magus a t-shirt* Because he's going to join the Metalbound Brotherhood. OUR Metal Rush. The real one, with the OG. You joined EBW and had my back Magus, now let me have yours again. 

Ness: ...

Paula: Husband, you're not in your right mind. You need to lea-

Ness: No Paula...you're the one out of your mind. I knew it the moment you tried to hand our son off to my mother. Tess and Tracy both are out of their minds. 

Trevor Mach: Women, am I right? Haha- wrong time? 

Ness: Magus, I'm in your position. The one I love is with the enemy, but joining them is obviously not the answer. Join us, and we can save them together. 

Magus: I...need to think about this.

Magus walked inbetween the two groups and disappeared into the back. 

- 

Tali Mach: Next up was the newest guest to my house Ness as he took on Firebrand X. These two have had beef for a while, and it showed. Firebrand X was hitting hard, trying to break Ness down, but Ness has that never-say-die attitude, and it's honestly been good to see the old Ness back in action. He pulled out his signature PK Rockin’ at just the right moment against the Hybrid Fighter, and that was all she wrote for Firebrand X. Huge win for Ness!

Ted Pettentool: It felt like Firebrand had the match in the bag at one point, but Ness came through when it counted. You can’t count this guy out, ever! In a non-tournament singles match, we saw a Metal Rush vs. Metal Rush match as the Metalbound Brotherhood sent Picky Minch to take on Poochyfud's Metal Rush's Poo. Poo has been livid with the creation of the new Metal Rush and the defection of Ness and you could TELL! 

Tali Mach: Picky tried to get under his skin with his usual crisp mat work, but Poo shut him down with that Starstorm OMEGA in a shockingly fast match. Picky didn't know what hit him. It was quick and decisive. I don’t think Poo even broke a sweat! That one caught me off guard. I'll admit that. 

Ted Pettentool: The Prince of Dalaam was pushed into the danger zone. He can't be happy with things considering it looked liked Poochyfud and his Metal Rush had it all wrapped up. Up next, things got ugly in the Women’s Division match between Ripper Jane and Darkness Aoi. This one didn’t end clean, folks.

Tali Mach: It was that psycho Ripper Jane involved. Why would it end clean? She tried to kill me you know? 

Ted Pettentool: Didn't you try to kill her back?

Tali Mach: Yeah, but...that...that's a whole different thing. This was bound to end in chaos. Ripper Jane is trying to say she's here to help my daughter and her pals? She suddenly playing for the other team? BULL*bleep*!

Ted Pettentool: Her recent record has shown her up to her usual tricks, but against the other gals! 

Tali Mach: IT'S A TRICK! DON'T TRUST HER!

Ted Pettentool: Ripper Jane and Darkness Aoi tore into each other, but it Val Dorado who ended things with a chair shot to Ripper Jane! Ripper Jane experiencing it from the other direction for a change! 

Tali Mach: GOOD! 

Ted Pettentool: Hope came out to make the sa-

Tali Mach: FOOLISH! 

Ted Pettentool: Yeah, I’m with you there, Tali. Jane doesn’t care about wins or losses—she just wants to hurt people. Aoi better watch her back.

Tali Mach: That's not what I meant!

Gamer Girlz Room

Christy Angel was playing a video game, and was quick to smell herself when she heard the door open, but was relieved to see it was just Alison. 

Christy Angel: Thought you might be Cade for a second! 

Alison Chains: Sorry I didn't text you back for a month. Darkness took me, and I stayed out of thought and time. Stars wheeled overhead, and everyday was as long as the life age of the earth....but I'm good now. 

Christy Angel: Great? Alison, I saw you two days ago. 

Alison Chains: Oh! Wow, the Mr. Saturns make some trippy *bleep*. For example, in my haze I saw a vision, of that Magus guy's sister. She was in the darkness beyond time. Then, I saw TWO Trevors, and one had a helmet on. They helped Tali remove something from herself, and THAT found  that Schala chick. What do you make of that? 

Christy Angel: Um...that sounds insane. 

Alison Chains: Haha! Yeah! I thought about telling someone, but then I was gone for a month. 

Christy Angel: Again, it's been two days. 

Alison Chains: Right.

-

Ted Pettentool: I wonder what Alison meant by tha-

Alison Chains: Hey! You talking about me?! 

Ted Pettentool: Alison! You scared me! Perfect timing though, because I wanted to ask you about-

Alison Chains: Where the hell have you been?

Ted Pettentool: What? I've been here. 

Alison Chains: FOR FIFTEEN DAYS!? DO YOU THINK I'M AN IDIOT?! 

Ted Pettentool: I just saw you five hours ago! 

Alison Chains: Are you gay?! 

Ted Pettentool: WHAT?! 

Alison Chains: You have to tell me, because I'm tired of living this way! 

Ted Pettentool: No! You're being irrational! 

Alison Chains: Am I?! Am I?! Last time you saw me naked you threw up! 

Ted Pettentool: YOU RUFFIED ME! 

Alison Chains: Well your accent is really gay! 

Ted Pettentool: What accent?! 

Alison Chains: Sorry, let me speak your language! Tu soy gay? 

Ted Pettentool: I'm not from Anahauc! 

Alison Chains: Oh. Maybe I'm confusing you with someone else. Are you Pancho?

Ted Pettentool: No. 

Alison Chains: Pincho? 

Ted Pettentool: No again. 

Alison Chains: Tomas Jefferson. 

Ted Pettentool: No, but we play poker together. 

Alison Chains: ...I'm...I'm gonna go.

Ted Pettentool: And there she goes. I was never able to ask her my question. 

Tali Mach: That's Alison for ya! 

Ted Pettentool: *sigh* So finally, the main event! We saw Trevor Mach take on Crono in a match that had ‘fight of the night’ written all over it. These two have had quite the series of matches, with the last one being Crono's victory over Trevor in the Bushido Den at Victory Explosion. Magus showed up after that, and handed Metal Rush a loss at the next big event, buuut we haven't seen a one-on-one encounter between the two since VE....UNTIL NOW! 

Tali Mach: This was brutal, Ted. These two just tore into each other. Crono was laying in those precision strikes, while Trevor was using that raw brawling style. It's what I love to see, except for that ENDING! Trevor, why did you lead with your face! 

Ted Pettentool: Crono did the same thing! 

Tali Mach: I KNOW! WHAT THE FU-

Ted Pettentool: Twin knee strikes! They hit at the same time, and both men hit the mat hard! The ref made the ten count, and the match ended in a Double Stoppage! A draw of sorts? They weren't awake to know it, but they split the points! That’s the kind of match that makes the E1 Climax so exciting, Tali! Both men gave it everything they had, and the crowd was eating it up. What a way to end the night!

Tali Mach: Whatever! We going to get to The Storm? 

Ted Pettentool: No! No Storm, because we're doing the E1 Climax Finale IN THE DOOOOOOOME!

Tali Mach: That explains why we're outside in front of the Saturn Dome. 

Ted Pettentool: INDEED!

EBW: 3-Hour Havok "E1 Climax 2024"
Reefside Arena, Reefside
ENT

1.  E1 Havok Block: Jammer[5] vs. Amigo[2] 
Winner: Amigo via Bridging Hagen Suplex -> Pin -> 2 Points! 

2.  E1 Havok Block: Zyro Kurogane[8] vs. Magus[5]
Winner: Magus via Scythe x Dark Matter Drop -> Pin -> 2 Points! 

3.  E1 Havok Block: Ness[5] vs. Firebrand X[5]
Winner: Ness via PK Rockin' -> Pin -> 2 Points! 

4. Singles: Picky Minch vs. Poo
Winner: Poo via Starstorm OMEGA -> Pin 

5.  Women's Singles: Ripper Jane vs. Darkness Aoi
Winner: Darkness Aoi via DQ 

6. E1 Havok Block: Trevor Mach[8] vs. Crono[10]
Winner: Double Stoppage -> 1 Point Each! 




E1 Standings

Xcite Block

1. Tack Angel - 12 Points
2. Geoff Garrett - 10 Points
3. Rama Raju - 9 Points
3. Takumi Inui - 9 Points 
4. Void - 6 Points
5. KYO - 4 Points 
5. Troy - 4 Points
6. Colby Roads - 2 Points 

Havok Block

1. Crono - 11 Points
2. Trevor Mach - 9 Points
3. Zyro Kurogane - 8 Points
4. Ness - 7 Points  
4. Magus - 7 Points 
5. Firebrand X - 5 Points
5. Jammer - 5 Points
6. Amigo - 4 Points

Ted Pettentool: With the final totals added up, we now know that from Xcite we'll have Tack Angel and Geoff Garrett advancing, while on the Havok Brand we have Crono and Trevor Mach advancing. We will see Geoff Garrett take on Crono in a first time match, and then we'll be treated to a WAR! For the first time since the big Bushido shocker, we'll see Tack Angel take on Trevor Mach! Last time they met, Trevor shocked Tack with a quick upset that allowed Zyro Kurogane to make history and smash the reign the of the 5-Crown King. I'm sure now that Tack Angel is out for revenge it won't be an easy challenge for the Wild Wolf Wrestler. 

Tali Mach: Trevor's going to smash Tack's face in, or I will, one of us is gonna do it. 

Ted Pettentool: The winners of those matches will advance to the main event of the night, but we have such a loaded card for this Saturn Dome show! There is a reason it's one of two Saturn Dome events we do in a year folks! Check it out! 

EBW: E1 Climax 2024 Finale! 
Saturn Dome, Saturn City
ENN+/ENT+

1. E1 Climax Havok Block #1 vs. Xcite Block #2: Crono vs. Geoff Garrett 
2. Havok - Women's World Tag Team Championship ⅔ Falls Dog Collar: Darkness Aoi(c)/Mitra Lennox(c) vs. Jenny James/Jessy James 
3. E1 Climax Xcite Block #1 vs. Havok Block #2: Tack Angel vs. Trevor Mach
4. Xcite - EBW Tag Team Championships Ladder Match: El Hijo Del Kiva/Fray Tiburon vs. Rey Dorado/El Mago vs. Johnny Starbound/Hooligan vs. Snakebite/Razorblade vs. Jaden Yuki/Point Man vs. LG Rod/Randy no Kachi 
5. Xcite - Buried Alive: Void vs. KYO
6. Havok - 8-Man Tag: Ness/?/Subculture/Picky Minch vs. Poo/Seto Kaiba/Hotlanta/Generator 
7. Havok - Lady Renegades 6-Woman Tag: Wendy Mustang/Hope Mach/Rhea Rampage vs. Paula/Heather Mach/Val Dorado 
8. Xcite - EBW Women's Championship: Makoto Kino(c) vs. Queen Beryl 
9. Champion Showcase Tag: Cade Yaggis/Bashin Dan vs. Boomtown/Troy
10 . E1 Climax Finals: TBA vs. TBA 

Ted Pettentool: I can't wait to see the World Champion and the EBW Champion join forces against a team of Television Champion Boomtown of Metal Rush and Troy of SUFFER. A true interpromotional brawl. 

Tali Mach: I can't wait for Dem Girlz to tear apart Darkness Aoi and Mitra Lennox in the 2/3 Falls Dog Collar bout. Hell yeah! 

Ted Pettentool: Of course also have the Buried Alive bout between Void and KYO. We have a Ladder Match for the vacant EBW Tag Team Championships! We have Metal Rush vs. Metal Rush, as the Metalbound Brotherhood takes on Poochyfud's team, and the MBB boys have a trick up their sleeve apparently with their fourth member. 

Tali Mach: Women's World Champion Wendy Mustang, Hope, and Rhea will join forces against Paula, stupid Heather, and Val Dorado. Then Makoto Kino will put her EBW Women's Championship on the line. 

Ted Pettentool: All of this equals one AWESOME event, and you're going to want this IN YOUR HOUSE....on your streaming device of choice! It's available of ENN+ and ENT+ so order it now! BUH-BYE! 

Last edited by Machismo (10/18/2024 2:07 am)

Ted Pettentool: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, EBW faithful from around the globe, welcome to the grand spectacle, the ultimate showdown—this is the E1 Climax 2024 Finale! We’re coming to you live from the iconic Saturn Dome in the heart of Saturn City! Tonight, the stars have aligned for what promises to be a night of unforgettable wrestling action. The stakes couldn’t be higher, and the wrestlers? They’re primed and ready to leave everything they’ve got in that squared circle. Tali, are you feeling this energy?"

Tali Mach: Ted, I’ve been around EBW half my life, and I have never felt an atmosphere like this. It’s electrifying! The Saturn Dome is absolutely jam-packed, the fans are chanting, and you can feel the intensity in the air. Every match on tonight’s card is a potential show-stealer. Wrestlers from both Xcite and Havok are here, and they’re bringing their A-game. But the crown jewel of tonight’s event? The E1 Climax Finals! This tournament has tested the best, and now it all comes down to this. The winner not only claims the prestige of being the E1 Climax Champion, but they also earn a shot at championship gold!

Ted Pettentool: That's right, Tali! This is the night where dreams are realized or crushed. The road to this finale has been paved with sweat, blood, and broken bodies. Let’s not forget the other matches too—tag titles on the line, Buried Alive, ladder matches, dog collars! It’s a wrestling fan’s dream come true, but for the competitors, it’s a nightmare they must survive. Enough talking—let’s get this show started!

Tali Mach: *belch*

Ted Pettentool: *sigh* We were SO CLOSE to nailing tha-

1. E1 Climax Havok Block #1 vs. Xcite Block #2: Crono vs. Geoff Garrett

Tali Mach: We're kicking things off with an absolute banger as Havok’s own Crono faces Xcite’s Geoff Garrett. Crono came into this tournament as one of the heavy favorites, a technician who manipulates time itself—or at least that’s what he’d have you believe. On the other side, Geoff Garrett is pure grit, no nonsense, and has a chip on his shoulder the size of a Tack Angel. He’s been underestimated throughout the tournament, and now he’s one win away from the final. It’s do-or-die time!

Ted Pettentool: This match was a technical masterpiece early on. Crono, as always, was methodical, using wrist locks, leg holds, and well-placed strikes to slow Garrett down. He even hit the Chrono Break at one point, a devastating discus forearm that sent Garrett to the mat hard. But Geoff Garrett? He’s no stranger to adversity. He dug deep, powered through the pain, and countered with some classic southern-style brawling. He came alive with a flurry of punches and a thunderous spinebuster that rattled the ring. Crono was a bit sluggish. He was fighting injury, after that double KO against Mach on Havok. They're both sporting black eyes you'll notice. 

Tali Mach: Crono was clearly setting up for the Chrono Trigger, but Garrett had it scouted. He escaped it like a seasoned vet and, out of nowhere, nailed The Stroke! A beautifully executed move that left Crono dazed. Seto Kaiba on the outside tried to play the spoiler. He put Crono's foot on the ropes, but oh Trevor my Trevor, he ran out, decked Kaiba, and took said foot back OFF the ropes. Geoff Garrett pulled off the victory, and with that, he punches his ticket to the final match of the E1 Climax!

Winner: Geoff Garrett via The Stroke -> Pin

2. Havok - Women's World Tag Team Championship ⅔ Falls Dog Collar: Darkness Aoi/Mitra Lennox(c) vs. Jenny James/Jessy James

Ted Pettentool: Buckle up, folks, because we’ve got a ⅔ Falls Dog Collar Match for the Women's World Tag Team Championship, and if you’ve never seen one of these before, let me tell you—it’s about to get violent. Darkness Aoi and Mitra Lennox have been a dominant force in the division, but they’re up against Dem Girlz, who live for chaos. Add dog collars and chains to the mix, and we’re in for a bloodbath!

Tali Mach: And a bloodbath is exactly what we got, Ted! Now I like a little collar action and light choking like anybody else, but these four *bleep*es were chained together! Fun! From the opening bell, it was an all-out war. The chains were wrapped around throats, limbs, and even faces. At one point, Mitra Lennox was choking out Jessy James on the outside, while Jenny was swinging her chain like a weapon inside the ring. It didn’t take long for the first fall, with Jenny hitting a vicious Chain Lariat that almost decapitated Mitra. The sound of that impact echoed through the Dome!

Ted Pettentool: That was just the beginning, though. Darkness Aoi fired back with an absolutely brutal Chain Choke on Jessy, and the ref had no choice but to stop the match for that fall. But in the deciding moment, Jenny James proved why she’s one of the toughest women in the game. She hit a Stunner that nearly took Darkness Aoi’s head clean off. 1-2-3, and we have NEW Women’s World Tag Team Champions!"

Tali Mach: Dem Girlz are champs, and they earned it the hard way. They didn't let me down! That match was pure carnage. Match of the night for me!

Ted Pettentool: But Trevor hasn't-

Tali Mach: MATCH OF THE NIGHT! 

Ted Pettentool: Fine! Got it! Let's move on!

Winners: Jenny James/Jessy James (2-1) -> NEW Women's World Tag Team Champions!
Jenny James via Chain Lariat on Mitra Lennox -> Pin
Darkness Aoi via Chain Choke on Jessy James -> Referee Stoppage
Jenny James via Stunner -> Pin

3. E1 Climax Xcite Block #1 vs. Havok Block #2: Tack Angel vs. Trevor Mach

Ted Pettentool: Next up, it's the match that had everyone on the edge of their seats: Tack Angel versus Trevor Mach. These two men have history. They’ve battled for years, and every time they meet, it’s a clash of titans. Trevor Mach, the brawler with a warrior’s heart, versus Tack Angel, the self appointed Star Prince. You couldn’t script a more anticipated match.

Tali Mach: Both men came into this one with a lot of wear and tear from the tournament, but that didn’t stop them from going all out. All out action from Trevor, and all out bloviating from Tack! You know Tack, you had it good for a lot of years. You had some titles, you had some action figures, some cartoons. The whole promotion seemed to revolve around you, but you never appreciated it, because it wasn't how YOU would've done it. Well you've had years to do it your way, and yet you didn't so go ahead and keep complaining, you hypocrit. *sigh* Trevor's had some wear and tear from the tournament, and the double KO he suffered against Crono seemed to hinder him as much as it hindered Crono. He tried to overpower Tack early with stiff strikes and a brutal series of suplexes. Tack, though, was like a man possessed, and douchy man, but possessed none the less. He fought back with precision kicks, each one calculated. Every counter he had was sharper than the last. Trevor managed to lock in the Bulldog Choke, and I swear for a second, I thought that was it. But Tack managed to power out, showing incredible resilience.

Ted Pettentool: In the final moments, it was pure adrenaline that carried Tack through. Trevor looked to hit the Burning Machismo, but Tack escaped it, an reversed it into the Wrist Clutch Heaven Driver! A devastating finisher that no one gets up from. Trevor was down for the count, and Tack moves on to the finals!

Tali Mach: You don't have to sound so excited about it! Don't sound excited about it at all! Be angry about it! THAT SUCKS! 

Ted Pettentool: You can see why she didn't give it match of the night.

Winner: Tack Angel via Wrist Clutch Heaven Driver -> Pin

4. Xcite - EBW Tag Team Championships Ladder Match: El Hijo Del Kiva/Fray Tiburon vs. Rey Dorado/El Mago vs. Johnny Starbound/Hooligan vs. Snakebite/Razorblade vs. Jaden Yuki/Point Man vs. LG Rod/Randy no Kachi

Tali Mach: Moving on so I don't throw up, the Tag Team Championship ladder match was pure chaos. Six teams, multiple ladders, and one set of titles hanging above the ring. You had high-flyers, brawlers, and technicians all vying for the gold, and they did not disappoint, especially if you watched a certain ladder match in 2001 and decided that was going to be your entire personality forever. 

Ted Pettentool: El Hijo Del Kiva and Fray Tiburon started off hot, using their quickness to climb the ladder early. But Snakebite and Razorblade weren’t about to let them steal the show. Razorblade hit a sickening DDT off a ladder on El Mago, and the crowd gasped at the impact. Meanwhile, Johnny Starbound and Hooligan brought their A-game, pulling off innovative ladder moves like it was second nature.

Tali Mach: But it was Jaden Yuki and Point Man who showed that perseverance pays off. Jaden, using his agility to weave in and out of the chaos, found his moment to scale the ladder. Point Man held off the competition, and Jaden grabbed the belts. We have NEW Tag Team Champions, and what a moment for those two! I personally had money on them winning, because Point Man is just so *bleep*ing reliable! 

Ted Pettentool: That's uh...the reputation at least! Glad to see the Crew recapturing the gold they only lost because of Tack Angel's dastardly betrayal. He had it all with the Crew, and they loved him, but apparently he couldn't stand it. 

Tali Mach: So you actually couldn't tell? I'm finding out I was the only one who seemed to notice he was clearing *bleep*ing about being stuck with them the whole time. 

Ted Pettentool: Really? Yeah, I never noticed. 

Tali Mach: Incredible. Well, it's time to relive some memories for me, because the next match isn't in the Dome is it? Nope, it's at that perpetual construction site where I almost died a few times, because of w00t and that *bleep*ing *bleep* Ripper Jane. 

Ted Pettentool: What are they building there? 

Tali Mach: No idea! Some dude named Majima is running it. 

Ted Pettentool: Well, he's gonna have to explain the body no doubt, because up next, someone's getting buried alive!

Winners: Jaden Yuki/Point Man -> NEW EBW Tag Team Champions!

5. Xcite - Buried Alive: Void vs. KYO

Ted Pettentool: If you thought things were intense already, let me introduce you to the Buried Alive match. This is one of the most brutal stipulations in wrestling, and tonight it was Void versus KYO, two men who are no strangers to the dark side of this business. The goal? Bury your opponent alive. It doesn’t get more vicious than that.

Tali Mach: KYO came into this with a point to prove. He’s been hunting Void on behalf of SUFFER, and Void has been acting very differently, targetting SUFFER like this. It's refreshing to see.

Ted Pettentool: But Ripper Jane is kind of doing the same-

Tali Mach: IT'S NOT THE SAME TED! 

Ted Pettentool: Alright! It at first seemed like Void wasn't going to show up. He was late to his own funeral Preacher Ra was saying, but eventually he stepped forward, out of the shadows and into the light. This match wasn’t just about winning—it was personal. From the start, both men were hell-bent on destroying each other. KYO hit Void with everything he had, including an absolutely devastating Driver off the scaffolding. But Void? He’s not human. He shot up and shrugged it off like it was nothing.

Ted Pettentool: The turning point came when Void hit the Chaos Theory into the dirt pile near the grave. From there, it was all over. Void smashed KYO in the head repeatedly with shovel and kicked him into the hold. Void, cold and emotionless, shoveled dirt over KYO, burying him alive. The sight of KYO’s hand sticking out of the dirt was haunting, and Void walked away victorious in one of the most brutal matches in EBW history.

Tali Mach: I still think my burial was worse, but whatever.

Winner: Void via Burying KYO

6. Havok - 8-Man Tag: Ness/Magus/Subculture/Picky Minch vs. Poo/Seto Kaiba/Hotlanta/Generator

Ted Pettentool: A wild and chaotic 8-man tag was up next, and the Metalbound Brotherhood revealed a surprise, as Magus officially joined their ranks to fight Poochyfud's team. We had Ness and Poo on opposing sides, and it felt just like old times. 

Tali Mach: I was there for those old times. Way to make me feel ancient Ted! 

Ted Pettentool: Ness and Magus worked surprisingly well together. Who knew?

Tali Mach: Magus may be brooding, but when he hits that Scythe and the Dark Matter Drop, it's lights out. Who was the victim? Well it was Seto Kaiba. He can play all the cards he wants. He can have the only Blue Eyes White Dragon. None of that matters. The rich kid who ate that one two punch and he was OUT! A big win for the Brotherhood!

Winners: Ness/Magus/Subculture/Picky Minch via Scythe x Dark Matter Drop on Boomtown -> Pin

7. Havok - Lady Renegades 6-Woman Tag: Wendy Mustang/Hope Mach/Rhea Rampage vs. Paula/Heather Mach/Val Dorado

Tali Mach: My Hope showed no mercy here! I'm so proud! She beat the tar out of that traior Heather, who was so transfixed of playing up the Judas angle, that she didn't expect my normally polite daughter to STRETCH HER! Rhea wanted a piece too! That was awesome! Paula? You picked a bad team to go in there with. 

Ted Pettentool: And then Ripper Jane showed up again to-

Tali Mach: WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT HER TED! NOT TALKING ABOUT HER AT ALL! Anyways, Hope locked in that Lebell Lock on Val Dorado and refused to let go. Val had no choice but to tap out!"

Ted Pettentool: This was a light day for the Women's World Champion. Hope and Rhea did all the heavy lifting, not that she seemed to mind!

Winners: Wendy Mustang/Hope Mach/Rhea Rampage via Lebell Lock on Val Dorado -> Submission

8. Xcite - EBW Women's Championship: Makoto Kino(c) vs. Queen Beryl

Ted Pettentool: Well, well, well, if it isn’t the most dramatic twist since I accidentally double-booked a hot yoga class with a chili cook-off! I mean, ladies and gentlemen, what we just witnessed was nothing short of a supernatural takeover in the EBW Women’s division! Makoto Kino, the Sailor Scout with a roundhouse kick that could solve most of my personal problems, just lost her title to the dark empress herself, Queen Beryl! The 'Queen of Evil Makeovers,' as I like to call her, and it looks like she gave the EBW Women's Championship the ultimate makeover by stealing it right out of Kino's hands!

Tali Mach: Ted, this was like watching an anime plot twist, but even more chaotic than trying to follow your stupid commentary. Makoto Kino comes in with all the righteous fury of a magical girl protector, but Beryl just takes her to the Dark Kingdom and leaves her in literal ruin. I mean, the ‘Dark Kingdom Descent’? Cool name! It wasn't enough that Mamoru tried to get involved. That brought out Usagi, and I LOVED seeing her kick him in the pills! That got the crowd going. However, Tack came out and tricked Makoto into believing he was out there to reconcile with her? That douchebag! Playing with Makoto's heart. I'd like to play with his heart, after I rip it out of his chest.

Ted Pettentool: Colorful! But yeah, you mentioned the Dark Kingdom Descent. That was the finisher that put Makoto down! It's a Chokeslam into Sit Out Powerbomb. Never thought I'd see someone do something in that wearing heels and dress, but this Beryl is otherworldly!  

Tali Mach: Agreed, Ted. Evil queens and championship belts—never a dull night in EBW, folks. Never a dull night.

Winner: Queen Beryl via Dark Kingdom Descent -> Pin -> NEW EBW Women’s Champion!

9. Champion Showcase Tag: Cade Yaggis/Bashin Dan vs. Boomtown/Troy

Ted Pettentool: Up next, the Champion Showcase Tag match just knocked the wind outta the arena! You’ve got World Champion Cade Yaggis and EBW Champion Bashin Dan, two squeaky clean wrestlers with more charm than a cat video compilation. They come out there like they’re about to audition for a superhero movie, while Television Champion Boomtown and Troy? They look like they just finished demolishing a biker bar! The action kicks off with Cade flying around like a caffeinated squirrel—throwing kicks, flips, and anything that’s not nailed down! Bashin Dan's out here making everything look so effortless, it's like he’s in a yoga class while the rest of us are struggling to stand up straight! 

Tali Mach: You keep bringing up yoga! What's with the yoga? 

Ted Pettentool: I uh...I started doing yoga. It's good for people my age to stretch. Boomtown came to play. He starts flattening Cade like he’s making a pancake, and Troy? He’s just circling like a shark in shallow water!

Tali Mach: And calling people fa*bleep*! 

Ted Pettentool: Now, I gotta say, Dan and Yaggis fought valiantly, the two champions are iconic and truly representative of their brands, but it all went south faster than a snowball in Summer! After a relentless back-and-forth, Boomtown hit Cade with a foreign object tossed to him by his one night only partner Troy. He flattened Cade like a cheap motel pillow. Before showing off the brand new version of Here Comes the Boom! Basically a Mapleland Destroyer! One! Two! Three! The ref’s hand hits the mat, and it’s lights out for the World Champion! 

Tali Mach: What happened AFTER the match is what surprised me though. Sal Paradise jumped out from the crowd and attacked Boomtown! The celebration of pinning the World Champion was cut short! The roof came off the place, as Sal laid into Boomtown, and sent the little *bleep* packing! What a great way to end the night! 

Ted Pettentool: We still have the main eve-

Tali Mach: WHAT A GREAT WAY TO END THE NIGHT!

Winners: Boomtown/Troy via Here Comes the Boom! on Cade Yaggis -> Pin

10. E1 Climax Final: Geoff Garrett vs. Tack Angel

Ted Pettentool: It all comes down to this. The E1 Climax Final. Tack Angel versus Geoff Garrett. Two men, one prize. The winner of this match not only claims the E1 Climax trophy but also earns a shot at the EBW World Championship. You could feel the tension in the air as these two warriors stared each other down."

Tali Mach: Geoff Garrett came into this final as the underdog, but you wouldn’t know it from how he performed. Plus, he literally BEAT Tack, so I don't know where those odds came from. I still took them though, because I have a compulsion to gamble! He took the fight to Tack early, using a ground-and-pound style to wear him down. He's a notorious MMA master, having taught guys like Perc Angle everything they know about the Ankle Lock. Garrett’s technical prowess was on full display as he targeted Tack’s legs, trying to neutralize the kicking offense that Tack is known for.

Ted Pettentool: But Tack Angel is nothing if not resilient. He fought back with a vengeance, hitting high-impact moves and showing off his incredible stamina. The crowd was firmly behind Geoff, but that seemed to motivate the Star Prince, who was already celebrating his victory over his Trevor earlier in the-

Tali Mach: *cough*

Ted Pettentool: Every move he made felt like a step closer to victory. In the final moments, after a grueling back-and-forth, Tack elbowed his way out of The Stroke, and tore a chunk out of Geoff's hair with his bare hands before ht hit the Wrist Clutch Heaven Driver once again, sealing the deal. 1-2-3, and Tack Angel is your 2024 E1 Climax Champion!

Winner: Tack Angel via Wrist Clutch Heaven Driver -> Pin -> 2024 E1 Climax Champion

Tali Mach: I'm out twenty bucks, and I want to throw up. The egotist who thinks everything has to be about him, gets his way. *mock clapping* OH GOOD FOR YOU! I'm out of here. 

Ted Pettentool: Uh...And that’s a wrap, folks! From dog collar madness to buried alive brutality, from ladders to flames—E1 Climax 2024 has been one for the ages. Congratulations to Tack Angel, our new E1 Climax Champion, and to all the winners tonight. For Tali Mach and the entire EBW crew, this is Ted Pettentool signing off. We’ll see you next time—same EBW time, same EBW channel...whichever of the two you choose to watch us on! Hopefully both! 

Last edited by Machismo (10/20/2024 1:51 am)

Ted Pettentool: The Tedster's in the hoooooouse! Welcome back for another report from yours truly, as we enter the SPOOKY season, and Joe Bob comes back around for another Demon Boogie. We're calling this report series the Road to the Dance! Cause it's a Boogie, you see! Now EBW doesn't actually condone demons…at least most of us don't. It's just all good clean fun…and it's also very very violent. This week is THE week for the build up too. Why? Well because of the simulcast of the Eastchester Kennel Club Dog Show! Duh! That does huge ratings! ENN AND ENT getting in on the dog action. So we're going to cut this report in half, to ensure we pop that extra rating ourselves. I'll be joined today by a bunch of guests this week, as we cover the fall out from the E1 Climax. I'm joined by Larry Grim, Apple Kid, and Tali Mach.

Apple Kid: The Apple of EBW's eye is here. Haha….I should make more apple puns I think. 

Larry Grim: It's a pleasure to be here. Feels like I haven't seen you or called the action in months, even though that is literally impossible because I've been to most of these shows. 

Tali Mach: Now you're talking crazy, but I've been working with Ted, and I know that's shot the ratings up, because everyone wants to see what Hot Wheels Tali Mach is gonna say next.

Apple Kid: And what are you gonna say ne-

Tali Mach: *bleep* 

Apple Kid: Oh! There it is. 

Ted Pettentool: It's great that I have a filter of you guys between me and Tali over there. I have enough to deal with….with Alison. *sigh* So we opened Xcite with-

Tali Mach: My bathroom break! 

Ted Pettentool: The celebration for Tack Angel, the winner of the 2024 E1 Climax!




The lights dimmed in the arena, and a spotlight focused on the ring as "Return of the Mack" hit. Tack stood center stage, his trophy in hand, and a smirk plastered across his face. The crowd erupted into boos, but he waved them off dismissively.

Tack Angel: Well, well, well…Oops, I did it again! The one and only Star Prince Tack Angel has conquered the E1 Climax! And who did I have to go through? Oh, just a little nobody named Trevor Mach. Trevor Mach! That loser thought he could stand in my way, but let’s be real: he’s about as relevant as yesterday’s news! He's never willing to get with the times! Never willing to adapt! Never willing to admit defeat! I finally beat him! This is a moment that should be celebrated, yet here we are, and I still hear all you idiots booing me! Unbelievable!

The crowd responded with jeers and a few cheers, but Tack brushed it off.

Tack Angel: And let’s not forget about the stupid redneck Geoff Garrett. You think you’re a star? Please! You’ve got no idea what it takes to shine in this business! For one, don't exist if you're from the south! Just stop existing! I just shut you down like the rest of the pathetic wannabes that dare to step into this ring with me. I’m done with you and your kind! Filthy, disgusting redneck losers! How dare you take what belongs to me too! You tried to take my daughters from me?!

He paced the ring, the anger boiling beneath his calm exterior.

Tack Angel: I’m sick of being painted as the ‘bad guy’ when all I’ve done is speak the truth! You think I don’t deserve everything I want? Look at me! I’ve earned my place at the top! I’ve worked harder than any of you could ever imagine! And yet, you still choose to cheer for the underdogs and the fools while booing the only one in this ring who actually gets it! You think I want to be hated? No! I deserve your admiration, your respect, and most importantly, your cheers! I deserve to have everything I want, and for you to love it! You're wrong and stupid if you think overwise!

He paused, letting the venom of his words sink in, glaring at the crowd.

Tack Angel: And don’t think for a second that I’m done. Oh no! You see, at Demon Boogie 3, I’m going to take what belongs to me: the EBW Championship. Bashin Dan, you’re next on my list! You’re holding that title hostage, and it’s time for you to realize who the real star is around here KID! I will take that championship, and I will wear it with pride, because I deserve it!

With a final, fierce look into the camera, Tack raised the E1 trophy, a confident grin plastered across his face.

Tack Angel: So get ready, fans! You can hate me all you want, but when I stand tall as the EBW Champion, you’ll have no choice but to acknowledge that Tack Angel is right about everything at all times! And if you don’t like it… tough! This is my kingdom, and you’re just living in it! Star Prince out!

He tossed the mic down, raised the trophy again, and soaked in the boos from the crowd as the lights dimmed around him.

-


1. Women’s Singles: Rei Hino vs. Erica
-

Ted Pettentool: We kicked off the night with a women’s singles match featuring Rei Hino and Erica. Hino brought the fire—literally—hitting Erica with her signature Burning Mandala for the win! That was a HUGE shock! Erica was expecting to have an easy night, but this was a huge upset! 

Larry Grim: It’s great to see Hino in action, and she’s looking sharper than ever! But Erica put up a solid fight. This wasn’t just a warm-up for her though. She couldn't get that Air Raid Crash. 

Tali Mach: I mean, it was a match. Hino had a good move, and Erica… well, she was there, I guess? Let’s just say the highlight was definitely the finish! I love seeing Erica lose. Hehe.

Winner: Rei Hino via Burning Mandala -> Pin 

2. Singles: Karasu vs. Rey Dorado

Apple Kid: Next up, we had a singles bout with Karasu facing Rey Dorado. This was the debut for the mysterious dark assassin from Edo. Karasu showcased some impressive agility and skill, ultimately finishing Rey with the Shining Black!

Ted Pettentool: That was a textbook example of dominance. Karasu showed us that Ra and The Auditor are going all out to contain Void. 

Tali Mach: Void was keeping a close eye on things as he's known to do. He has better seats than I do, and I get to move my seat!

Winner: Karasu via Shining Black -> Pin

3. EBW Tag Team Championship: Point Man & Jaden Yuki (c) vs. Troy & Snakebite
Winners: Point Man & Jaden Yuki via Cobra Clutch on Snakebite -> Referee Stoppage -> Title Defense!

Larry Grim: Now we move to the EBW Tag Team Championship match! Point Man and Jaden Yuki defended their titles against Troy and Snakebite. It was the Weekend Wrecking Crew versus SUFFER! This was an intense match! Ra and The Auditor were on the outside, but the Crew had Xcite Champion Magnum PT out there to assist the new champs keep things fair. Troy and Snakebite are a couple of foul mouthed big booters. Punts and Big Boots all over the place. Real brawling combo, that was an adjustment from the normal duo of Snakebite and Razorblade. The new odd couple champions showed why they’re on top with a solid Cobra Clutch from Point Man to Snakebite, while Jaden Yuki jumped to the outside to stop Troy's involvement, leading to a referee stoppage!

Apple Kid: That was a dominant performance! It’s hard to deny that Point Man and Jaden have a unique chemistry in the ring.

Tali Mach: You call it chemistry; I call it a miracle they didn’t accidentally knock each other out. 

Ted Pettentool: Well after that match, we had a word in the back with the EBW Champion! Let's check it out! 

Tali Mach: Oh, you're still here?

Ted Pettentool: I'm the host! 

Tali Mach: Me and the goons have it covered.

Larry Grim: Hear that Apple? We're the goons! 

Apple Kid: You sound happy about that?

Backstage

The camera faded in on the backstage area, where Mrs. Xtra stood with the EBW Champion, Bashin Dan. He was holding his championship belt, a focused expression on his face. Mrs. Xtra looked excited, eager to hear his thoughts after Tack Angel's earlier tirade.

Mrs. Xtra: Bashin Dan, we just heard from Tack Angel earlier, and let me tell you, his comments were as egotistical as they come! He’s claiming he deserves everything and wants to take the EBW Championship from you at Demon Boogie 3. What are your thoughts on that?

Bashin Dan: You know, Mrs. Xtra, Tack Angel has always been a force to be reckoned with in this business. At one point, he was considered the very best. He’s done some incredible things in the ring, and it would be an honor to compete against him at that level. But let’s not forget what he’s saying in that promo. It’s not just about the championship; it’s about what it represents.

He shifted his grip on the title, the weight of it apparent in his posture.

Bashin Dan: This championship represents the hard work, the dedication, and the love that our fans have for this sport. Tack Angel wants to act like he’s the only one who deserves success, but that’s not how it works in EBW. It’s not just about being the best for yourself, it’s about elevating this entire organization and everyone who supports it. I have a responsibility to defend that. Tack’s obsession with having everything is just that—an obsession. He doesn’t seem to realize that true greatness isn’t about selfish desires; it’s about inspiring others, too. When I step into that ring with him, I won’t just be defending this title; I’ll be defending the very spirit of EBW and the fans who make this all possible.

Bashin Dan’s intensity rises as he continues, his passion evident.

Bashin Dan: I’m not just fighting for myself; I’m fighting for every single person who’s ever cheered for me, who’s ever believed in me. Tack can have his delusions of grandeur, but I’m going to show him that true champions respect the legacy we all build together. At Demon Boogie 3, I’m going to prove that while he might have once been the best, the best is here and now—and that’s me!

He looked directly into the camera, his determination palpable.

Bashin Dan: So bring it on, Tack. I’m ready for the challenge, but just know that I’m not going to let you take what belongs to the fans and the legacy of EBW. It’s time to remind you what it means to be a champion.

Mrs. Xtra: Nothing card related tonight?

Bashin Dan: For once, I'm not in the mood to play. I'm in the mood to fight.

-

4. Women’s Singles Match: Christina Angel vs. Gianna Rambaldi

Ted Pettentool: In a surprising twist, Christina Angel versus Gianna Rambaldi ended in disqualification! 

Tali Mach: Really? Really? It was sur- it was surprising? Really? AM I THE ONLY ONE PAYING ATTENTION?!

Larry Grim: Tracy came out and attacked Christina! She wasn't showing the pious and caring side she has been displaying recently. This was old school anger Tracy. She was hellfire and brimstone here. 

Tali Mach: It was always an act. Televangelists piss me off. They're in it for the MONEY, not the faith. 

Apple Kid: It was quite the moment to see though. 

Tali Mach: Oh sure, because who doesn’t love a good DQ finish? Nothing like a match where the actual wrestling is overshadowed by tantrums. Real classy! It's getting old!

Winner: Christina Angel via DQ

5. 6-Mixed Tag: Bashin Dan, Seiya Kou, Usagi Tsukino vs. Tack Angel, Mamoru Chiba, Queen Beryl

Apple Kid: Our main event featured an exciting six-mixed tag match! E1 Winner Tack Angel, Mamoru Chiba, and EBW Women's Champion Queen Beryl faced off against Bashin Dan, Seiya Kou, and Usagi Tsukino. This was a wild ride!

Larry Grim: The teamwork on display was impressive, especially when- 

Tali Mach: When Mamoru hit the low blow on Seiya? Oh yeah, really impressive! I bet Seiya wishes he didn't have anything to feel between his legs, but you know how sex change magic goes! 

Apple Kid: I don't know actually.

Larry Grim: Tack Angel hit Seiya with the WRIST CLUTCH Angel Driver for the pin! A great finish to a high-energy match.

Tali Mach: And there you have it, folks. A convoluted mess of characters trying to outshine each other. What’s next? A karaoke contest? Because I’m all for that over more of this circus act!

Larry Grim: Tack did seem to have an issue with Seiya for taking what he thinks belongs to him in the form of the Usagi? Maybe he thinks all the Sensations should be under his wing? 

Tali Mach: Under him in bed is more likely.

Winners: Tack Angel, Mamoru Chiba, Queen Beryl via WRIST CLUTCH Angel Driver on Seiya Kou -> Pin

Ted Pettentool: There you have it! A simple and effective post E1 episode of Xcite! The stars are aligning for an epic showdown between Bashin Dan and Tack Angel for the EBW Championship, and you know the Sensations want to reclaim the EBW Women's Championship for the wicked Queen Beryl! It's going to be a crazy Halloween for EBW with Demon Boogie 3, and I'm just now noticing that large spooky themed box over there. 

Tali Mach: I stay away from gift boxes in wrestling. Let me just roll over here. 

Ted Pettentool: I'm sure it's fi-

Who Else But Zane: BOO! 

Ted Pettentool: AAAAAAHHHH!!!!

Tali Mach: KILL IT WITH FIRE! 

Who Else But Zane: YOU JUST GOT ZANED!

EBW: Xcite
Threed Circus Tent, Threed
ENN

1. Women's Singles: Rei Hino vs. Erica 
Winner: Rei Hino via Burning Mandala 

2. Singles: Karasu vs. Rey Dorado 
Winner: Karasu via Shining Black -> Pin 

3. EBW Tag Team Championship: Point Man(c)/Jaden Yuki(c) vs. Troy/Snakebite 
Winners: Point Man[o]/Jaden Yuki via Cobra Clutch on Snakebite -> Referee Stoppage -> Title Defense! 

4. Women's Singles: Christina Angel vs. Gianna Rambaldi
Winner: Christina Angel via DQ 
 
5. 6-Mixed Tag: Bashin Dan/Seiya Kou/Usagi Tsukino vs. Tack Angel/Mamoru Chiba/Queen Beryl
Winners: Tack Angel[o]/Mamoru Chiba/Queen Beryl via WRIST CLUTCH Angel Driver on Seiya Kou -> Pin 

Saturn Cafe

The old Dan Club gang sat together at their old familiar booth, to have dinner. 

Vape: Anyways, I know I just spent a long time defending Seaworld, but they just do such a great job with the fish! 

Waitress: Here's the check, whenever you're ready. No rush. 

Vape: She was great by the way. I'm thinking big tip. 

Lainey Strong: Alright, how should we do this? Benji put away the bag. Gil is not an accepted currency and it never will be. 

Benjamin: Drats. 

Bashin Dan: I guess I could put it on my card? 

Jammer: They don't accept playing cards either Dan. 

Bashin Dan: I meant my credit card.

Jammer: I got my face on my credit card! Jealous? 

Jenny James: That's not an EBW thing, he just submitted his screenshot and-

Jammer: Thanks Jenny! Thanks. 

Vape: If it's easier, we can just split it among us. 

Christy Angel: Amoogus? 

Vape: Who said that?

Cade Yaggis: I think Christy is a few booths away. I'd be fine with that, but I think some people had more than others, so let's just check out the damage first. Let's see, who had the coke? 

Jammer: That's me. 

Cade Yaggis: Coke Zero?

Vape: Me. Yep, trying to watch my figure. 

Cade Yaggis: Sprite?

Vape: Also me. Just obeying my thirst. 

Cade Yaggis: Iced tea?

Benjamin: Me. 

Cade Yaggis: Arnold Palmer. 

Vape: Me. 

Cade Yaggis: Arnold Palmer with tequila.

Vape: Hehehe. Someone had to get this party started. 

Cade Yaggis: Whole roasted chicken with extra potatoes. 

Vape: Sounds familiar. 

Cade Yaggis: Pork Chops, with extra potatoes. 

Vape: That I ordered for the table, though I did probably eat the lion's share of it. 

Cade Yaggis: 98 oz Porterhouse Steak. 

Vape: I did NOT get that. 

Jammer: They put a photo of you on the wall finishing it in less than five minutes. 

Vape: I eat at my own pace! 

Cade Yaggis: Four bacon cheeseburgers to go. 

Vape: I'm off the hot seat! Cade, that's on you. 

Cade Yaggis: I literally just ordered this glass of water. 

Vape: Oh right. 

Cade Yaggis: Five shots of tequila, but leave them in the bathroom so my friends don't find out. 

Vape: They wrote that all out? 

Jammer: You tell people we're friends? Like out loud? In public? 

Cade Yaggis: Twelve eggs in the cartoon. 

Vape: That was a little grocery shopping, and I don't expect you guys to pay for that. 

Cade Yaggis: A bottle of the best white wine with a note that says "I'm sorry Jenny. I didn't mean to come onto you so strongly. I'm an impulsive person, and I just couldn't help but want what Jammer has. Please please please don't tell him about it. I'm sorry".

Jenny James: That doesn't make sense. You never came onto me? 

Vape: That was purchased in advance….in case things didn't work out. 

Jammer: …..

Vape: …and it's a gag gift. I'm shocked that whole note was added to the receipt though! 

Cade Yaggis: Bowl of turkey chili with a rum floater. 

Vape: Did I do that?! Haha! That's a reference! 

Cade Yaggis: Another small side of potatoes? 

Bashin Dan: That was actually me. Those potatoes did look good. 

Cade Yaggis: Yet another shot of tequila? 

Vape: Hey, it's 5am somewhere am I right? 

Lainey Strong: AM? 

Jammer: *looks at the camera* You laughing yet? You get the joke? It's the Vape ordered a lot of stuff bit. *sigh* I wish it was a bit. Funny though right? *shrugs*

-

ENT News

Reporter: The business world was taken aback by the arrest of one Darious Grouch the third, known to his friends and rivals as "The Rumble". While EBW, has somehow managed to survive unscathed yet again, many others have outed in cahoots with the magnate, for running underground fights that included the use of fire in some cases. Our own autistic reporter Audie Spergs had a chance to interview The Rumble in prison. Let's talk to him now. Good to see you again Audie.

Audie Spergs: I can not see you, I can only hear you. 

Reporter: Right. 

Audie Spergs: Right…right…OK. Hello, I finished speaking with Darius Grouch twenty six minutes ago, and I've been standing here since then, waiting for you to talk to me. Watch that interview now.

-

Audie Spergs: Is living in a tiny cell, any different from living in a 40,000 square foot mansion? 

Darius Grouch: Yeah…yeah it's different. 

Audie Spergs: How Is living in a tiny cell, different from living in a 40,000 square foot mansion?

Darius Grouch: It's just day after day of rigid routine. 

Audie Spergs: Rigid routine….rigid routine. What is the rigid routine?

Darius Grouch: Well we get up at exactly 6am? 

Audie Spergs: Yes. 

Darius Grouch: At exactly 6:15am everyone is counted. 

Audie Spergs: Counted. 

Darius Grouch: We have to line up seven times a day to be counted. 

Audie Spergs: Line up. Line up. How long do you have to stay in the line? 

Darius Grouch: We have to walk in lines everywhere.

Audie Spergs: Do you have to make that line straight?  

Darius Grouch: Well yeah. Frankly, I always thought you didn't have to do anything in prison, but we have a work detail, and it's hard. Yesterday I spent all day stacking crates. 

Audie Spergs: Stacking. Crates. Stacking crates. I like stack. Stacking crates. 

Darius Grouch: It's hard work. 

Audie Spergs: Yes. Stacking crates. 

Darius Grouch: This whole thing is a mess. I just need to get out of here. 

Audie Spergs: Why do you want to get out of here? 

Darius Grouch: For my family I suppose?

Audie Spergs: Can you stack your family?

Darius Grouch: What?

Audie Spergs: I want to be in prison. 

Darius Grouch: N-No you don't. You wear the same clothes everyday. 

Audie Spergs: Yes. 

Darius Grouch: You live in a tiny little box. 

Audie Spergs: Yes. Yes. 

Darius Grouch: Hardly any human contact. 

Audie Spergs: How do I get to live in prison? I need to go to prison now! 

Darius Grouch: …This guy all right?

The Lakitus in their own costumes floated over to a cozy but ominous cabin in the woods, dimly lit by flickering candles and scattered jack-o-lanterns. Joe Bob Briggs, wearing his classic bolo tie and cowboy boots, sat near a fire outside the cabin.

Joe Bob Briggs: Howdy, folks! Welcome to Demon Boogie 3 aka Demon Boogiest LIVE from a real-deal, bonafide cursed cabin out here in the East Bygod Woods! The perfect place for some wrasslin’ talk and a good ol’ brush with the undead. We got a heck of a show tonight featuring The Story, plus a couple of Gamer Girlz, and they’re all here to help me conjure up some evil forces for your viewing pleasure! They're be the ones doing it, cause I consider myself a Christian man, but I'm a horror nut too, so while I won't conjure the demons I WILL watch it happen.

Joe Bob gestured to a table where The Story was gathered around a dusty, ominously bound book—the Necronomicon.

Joe Bob Briggs: Now, they tell me this here book is gonna be the key to somethin’ real special. So we brought in Colby Roads—Xcite Champion and, I’m told, a bonafide attention whore—to take the lead on readin’ this ol’ dusty thing.

Colby Roads : I’m all in. I think it's something that *lip quiver* my father would want me to do. Just tell me which page to turn to, Joe Bob.

CP Munk: Good plan, Colby. Everyone knows popularity comes from unspeakable horrors.

LG Rod: I think we’re supposed to chant in Saturn Latin too. I’m just saying, it wouldn’t hurt to give it some flair. BOiNg! Haha, ya know? 

Christy Angel: Ugh, just get on with it, Colby. This place gives me the creeps, and I’d rather be home livestreaming or being non-verbal. 

Alison Chains: I see ghosts all the time. 

Christy Angel: Those are children. 

Alison Chains: You see the beckoning little people too?

Colby, with a dramatic sigh, opened the Necronomicon and began to read aloud. Candles flickered, and a deep, unsettling hum filled the room as he got through the first few words.

Joe Bob Briggs: That’s it! Pour it on, kid! Don’t skimp on the drama, this is horror we’re talkin’ about! You know I love a good build up to some violence. 

Christy Angel: You're expecting violence? 

Joe Bob Briggs: You been paying attention to Demon Boogie?

Suddenly, an otherworldly, misty form emerged from the shadows, taking the shape of Colby’s long-gone father. His face was twisted in an expression of disappointment.

Dusty Roads: Oh, Colby baby. Of all the thingsth you could’ve done with yo' life, this is where I find you? Playing wif cursed books and second-rate gimmicks. You know, your brother would’ve made Champion twice over by now. World Champion too if you will! 

Colby Roads: Oh, come on, Dad. Can we not do this? This is live! And you know I’m better than he ever was.

Dusty Roads: Better? HA! Not even close baby. Your brother’s been iconic for decades.

Colby’s eyes glowed as the spirit of his father possessed him, and he began talking in an eerie tone, completely out of his control as he was lifted into the air. 



Colby Roads: I... I... am the failure son of Colby’s father! And I... uh… need validation!

Suddenly, the room went wild. A chair levitated and flew across the room, barely missing CP Munk, who laughed only to have it ricochet back and hit him in the head, shattering on impact. 

LG Rod: Hey, watch it! That furniture's got it in for us!

A creepy, demonic laugh filled the cabin as a set of taxidermied moose antlers on the wall begins to clack together, snapping and chomping in the direction of Randy no Kachi, who scrambled under the table.

Randy no Kachi: Whoa! That’s a little too much holiday spirit for me!

Christy Angel: Guys, just duck and cover! Demons are like furniture—they only attack you when you make eye contact.

LG Rod: I DON'T THINK THAT'S HOW IT WORKS! 

Christy Angel: Am I thinking of Jurassic Park? I might be thinking of Jurassic Park. 

Alison Chains: Christy, this is way better than live streaming! Colby, tell your dad to chill out!

The cabin shook as Joe Bob, completely unfazed, took a sip from his beer and watched the chaos.

Joe Bob Briggs: Well, I gotta say, this is turnin’ out better than expected. We got levitatin’ furniture, demon moose, and even some real family drama! Y’all are giving the people exactly what they want. Folks, we may or may not check back in later in the show. I see the trees are starting to come alive, and I worry about what those fines have planned for the women folk. You enjoy the rest of the show! Roll the tape! You know I might have to get out of this chair and use a machete or something. You know Jason used a machete sometimes, but never a chainsaw, yet people think he did. Ain't it funny how the mind works?





EBW: Demon Boogie 3
Zombie U, Threed
ENN/ENT

1. Xcite - Women's No Rules Singles: Christina Angel vs. Tracy
-This opening match brought the ferocity of Christina Angel against the grit and resilience of her "mother" Tracy. In a No Rules setting, Christina’s technical prowess and striking ability set the pace early on, and she had a lot to take out on the pious hypocrite. Tracy attempted to counter with her raw brawling style, taking advantage of the match stipulation to ground Christina. However, Christina kept her composure, using high-risk maneuvers to control the ring space and prevent Tracy from fully capitalizing on the No Rules format. Tracy did finally take control and delivered a brutal backbreaker onto a steel chair, which slowed Christina down and nearly secured a pin. Christina fought back with a series of fast-paced kicks, eventually setting up her finisher. She locked Tracy in the Angel Wings and dropped her to the mat for the 1-2-3. 
Winner: Christina Angel via Angel Wings -> Pin 

Larry Grim: What a brutal showing by Christina Angel! She’s taken Tracy to her limit and then some. That Angel Wings finisher… sends shivers down my spine, folks, and I'm MOSTLY spine! 

Apple Kid: And with no rules, Christina knew exactly when to turn up the heat. I don’t think Tracy expected that level of ferocity tonight! 

Tali Mach: She should know enough about Christina to know how good she is. Christina’s got that killer instinct, and it paid off in spades here. I've seen it first hand. That’s how you remind people that you’re top tier! This was satisfying. I love seeing Tracy get battered. She's a hypocrite and she sucked in bed. 

Apple Kid: WHA?!

2. Havok - VBW Championship Cage: Trevor Mach(c) vs. Crono 
-This cage match had all the hallmarks of an absolute slugfest. Trevor Mach and Crono have a deep history, which only intensified this brutal encounter. Trevor’s in-your-face style complemented the confined nature of the cage, as he leveraged his experience to keep Crono on the defensive. Meanwhile, Crono’s agility and evasive skills were tested, as the cage severely limited his usual high-flying antics. Crono’s escape attempts were repeatedly thwarted by Trevor, who would slam him into the cage wall every time he got close. The tide turned when Crono hit a surprising springboard dropkick, sending Trevor back into the corner, giving him a brief moment of control. When the weapons were brought into the cage, the blood began to spill. Crono set up for the Chrono Trigger, but Mach blocked it and trapped him in a knee bar that could've led to a submission, but Crono hit him with a pipe that made him let go. Crono went to set up a table, but he who sets it up, goes through it. Trevor’s finisher, the Burning Machismo, combined with a Knee Trigger after smashing Crono through a table, cemented his victory as he successfully defended his title. This combination left no room for Crono to respond, leading to a decisive pinfall. A much sought after victory for Trevor, who has been dealing with the Bushido Den loss to Crono since Victory Explosion. 
Winner: Trevor Mach via Burning Machismo through a table x Knee Trigger -> Pin -> Title Defense! 

Tommy Dukes: Well, well! Trevor Mach once again shows why he's one of the baddest men in the business! He took Crono apart bit by bit before that brutal ending!

Nerma: This wasn’t just a match; it was a WAR! Crono tried to survive, but when Trevor hit that Knee Trigger through the table? It was all over! 

Tommy Dukes: That title’s staying around Trevor’s waist, and with good reason. He’ll go through tables, walls, whatever it takes to keep it there! The long war between these two might continue, but Crono's gonna have to shake off that beating first. 

?

The screen cut to a dimly lit, oppressive room draped in heavy chains that dangled from the ceiling, swaying slightly in an invisible draft. The space was shrouded in darkness, with faint glints of orange and red casting eerie shadows on the cold, metallic walls. In the center of it all stood Preacher Ra, flanked by the SUFFER stable members, each of them cloaked in darkness, their faces partially obscured but their intent unmistakable as they held up jack-o-lanterns.

Preacher Ra: You know, Halloween ain’t just about cheap costumes and sweet treats. No, no. Halloween is the night when the world’s veil is thin. It’s the one night of the year where darkness breathes, where the forces we keep buried claw their way to the surface.

He leaned forward, his face barely visible beneath the brim of a wide, dark hat, his eyes glinting with a menacing fire.

Preacher Ra: The people think they know what fear is, but they haven’t seen it—not really. They’re blind to the true meaning of Halloween. They don’t understand that tonight isn’t about facing fears but feeding them. It’s about surrendering to the darkness, letting it consume what’s left of the light. My monster, my Karasu will show you all what true terror looks like. The monster known as Void—he walks in shadows, but he’s only grazed the depths of Hell. Void thinks he knows darkness, but I will show him the kind of dark that suffocates, that drowns every last flicker of light until he begs for salvation.

Preacher Ra reached up, grasping one of the heavy chains and holding it tight, his grip white-knuckled as he leans closer.

Preacher Ra: Void, take this time to prepare yourself. Be grateful you have air in your lungs a little while longer. Soon, you will be sacrificed to the unholy fires of SUFFER, where even your shadows can’t protect you. My monster will devour you, body and soul. And when the smoke clears, Void’s screams will echo as a testament to the Hell we have unleashed on this Earth.

He turned, eyes intense, gaze cutting directly through the screen.

Preacher Ra: Hell is coming, Void. Your victory over KYO wasn’t your celebration—it's your damnation.

-

3. Havok - No Rules Singles: Ness vs. Poo
-With no rules holding them back, Ness and Poo, friends and allies since they were children, went all out in a bout that highlighted their deep-seated rivalry. Ness utilized his offensive arsenal to wear down Poo, while the cold blooded Poo countered with his well-honed grappling techniques. Ness’s versatility ultimately proved to be the deciding factor, as he kept the pressure on with a combination of strikes. Poo eventually had the upper hand, applying a series of submission holds to sap Ness’s strength and mobility. Ness countered with a chair shot that leveled Poo, giving him the opening he needed to hit PK Rockin’ OMEGA—a powerful and dizzying finishing strike. The impact was enough to secure the pinfall, granting Ness a hard-fought victory. The Metal Rush OG with a win over the uh...OTHER Metal Rush OG. 
Winner: Ness via PK Rockin' OMEGA -> Pin 

Nerma: Ness brought that PK Rockin’ OMEGA out with precision tonight! He planted Poo right into the mat, and that was a wrap! It was great to see the two OGs lock up! 

Tommy Dukes: Yeah, that’s Ness for you—unpredictable, powerful, and he has a knack for ending things with an exclamation point. Poo didn’t stand a chance once Ness locked in on that move.

Nerma: Ness brought the pain tonight. A definitive win in true Havok style! The Metalbound Brotherhood are dominating in their matches against Metal Rush.

4. Havok - World Championship vs. Television Championship: Cade Yaggis(c) vs. Boomtown(c) Special Referee: Sal Paradise 
-This high-stakes title for title bout was nothing short of epic, with both Cade Yaggis and Boomtown bringing their A-game, but Boomtown's past was there to haunt him, as Sal Paradise was standing by as the Special Referee. The People's Choice was all smiles as he played to crowd and grinned as Boomtown, angering the Television Champion. Cade, known for his calculated grappling and ground game, looked to keep Boomtown’s explosive power in check. Boomtown’s powerhouse style, however, proved difficult to contain. The pressure was on, especially as World Tag Team Champion Hotlanta and Generator came out to pick a fight with Picky Minch and Subculture, who were watching Cade's back on the outside. Sal Paradise kept the match fair but allowed plenty of leeway, letting both competitors take their shots, and comically looking away when weapons were introduced. Cade came close to victory with a well-executed suplex into an armbar, which looked like it could have forced a submission had Boomtown not powered out. Boomtown went for a chair, but Sal pulled it away as the crowd went wild. Boomtown backed away, ready to get hit, but Sal quickly turned and smashed the chair over Cade's head. The crowd was shocked, as were the Metalbound Brotherhood, while the World Tag Team Champions laughed. Sal yelled at Boomtown to pin the World Champion, and he did, but only after picking him up for the Here Comes the Boom! 1-2-3! Boomtown was now the Television AND World Champion! The World Championship in the hands of Poochyfud's Metal Rush. 
Winner: Boomtown via Here Comes the Boom! -> Pin -> Title Defense! -> NEW World Champion! 

Tommy Dukes: WHAT?! WHAT JUST HAPPENED?! We have a NEW World Champion, folks, and it's thanks to Sal Paradise?! Boomtown just leveled Cade Yaggis with Here Comes the Boom after Sal Paradise smashed Cade Yaggis over the head! 

Nerma: What is going on here?! Sal should be hating Boomtown's guts for what he's done and said, and yet he just aligned with the protege that kicked him to the curb! I thought Sal Paradise's heelish days were over! I can't read how he feels about this situation, but the damage is done. Boomtown is walking out with BOTH belts and the ultimate bragging rights. Boomtown is our World Champion! 

Tommy Dukes: Boomtown is the guy now—he made his moment count and brought it home no matter the fashion. Who could have seen this coming?! What a rise for Poochyfud's new golden boy!

5. Xcite - EBW Women's Championship: Queen Beryl(c) vs. Usagi Tsukino
-This championship match pitted Queen Beryl’s eerie, domineering presence against Usagi’s high-energy, fan-favorite style. Beryl’s strategy focused on psychological warfare, utilizing slower, more methodical movements to control the pace and keep Usagi off balance. It helped that Mamoru was on the outside, goading his ex along with Erica. Usagi’s quick, evasive moves kept her in the game, but Beryl’s unnatural power moves were tipping the scales. Usagi nearly stunned Beryl with a top-rope moonsault but was quickly caught in Beryl’s signature Dark Kingdom Descent. This move sealed Usagi’s fate, as Beryl secured the pin and retained her title.
Winner: Queen Beryl via Dark Kingdom Descent -> Pin -> Title Defense! 

Larry Grim: Queen Beryl proves again that she reigns supreme over the Xcite women’s division with a decisive victory! Can't say I care for the mind games outside the ring, but these days I'm just glad that they keep the diversions OUTSIDE of the ring. That Dark Kingdom Descent is devastating!

Apple Kid: Usagi put up a good fight, but Beryl was just too powerful, and she came in with a game plan that paid off. What a title defense!

Tali Mach: Beryl’s a force in that ring; when she hits you with that Dark Kingdom Descent, it’s lights out. No surprise she’s still champion! Usagi has to get off Mamoru's *bleep*ing *bleep* and *bleep*ing fight this *bleep* like she used to! Until then, you're going to see history repeat itself if any of the Sensations step up to fight the new Queen of Xcite.
 
6. Xcite - EBW Championship: Bashin Dan(c) vs. Tack Angel
- Main event time, as Bashin Dan defended his EBW Championship from the E1 Climax winner Tack Angel. As the bell rang, the crowd erupted in support of Bashin Dan, who acknowledged them with a confident fist raise. Across the ring, Tack Angel, the arrogant "Star Prince," smirked, telling the crowd to shut up. The two circled each other before locking up in a collar-and-elbow tie-up. Tack quickly gained the advantage with his height and reach, maneuvering into a painful wrist lock, twisting Dan’s arm mercilessly. Dan, gritting his teeth, managed to reverse into a hammerlock, only for Tack to break free with a sharp elbow to the ribs and a thumb to the eye, a move subtle enough to dodge the referee’s notice but painful enough to throw Dan off balance. With Dan staggered, Tack followed up with a brutal Euroland uppercut that rocked him backward. As Dan tried to find his footing, Tack took hold of the back of his trunks and jerked him into a hard forearm smash, followed by a kick attempt, but Dan blocked it. Dan retaliated with a sharp slap to the chest, trying to establish some momentum, but Tack quickly trapped him in a headlock, grinding his forearm into Dan’s neck and keeping him grounded.
Tack’s methodical and ruthless offense continued as he stomped on Dan’s midsection, targeting him with calculated strikes to keep him on the mat. When Dan attempted to roll onto the apron to create distance, Tack took advantage again, reaching over the ropes to choke Dan against the apron, releasing just before the ref’s count ended. Dragging Dan back into the ring, Tack nailed him with a kick to the spine, wearing him down with relentless brutality. After a particularly vicious Celtic whip sent Dan crashing into the corner, Tack charged in with a running knee to Dan’s gut, leaving him slumped against the turnbuckles. Sensing an opportunity to end it, Tack positioned Dan for a superplex. As Tack lifted him, Dan found a burst of strength, firing punches to Tack’s midsection. Dan’s strikes broke Tack’s hold, sending him tumbling to the mat below. With Tack momentarily down, Dan steadied himself and launched off the top rope, connecting with a missile dropkick that sent Tack sprawling across the ring. The momentum began to shift as Dan pushed himself to his feet, landing rapid-fire right hands that forced Tack onto the back foot. Just as the champion started building speed, Tack, ever the opportunist, shoved the referee between them, using the brief distraction to rake Dan’s eyes and send him reeling. Capitalizing on Dan’s disorientation, Tack shot him into the corner with a brutal whip before following up with another punishing kick. Tack seemed intent on cementing his victory by any means necessary. Frustrated and desperate to put Dan away, Tack rolled out of the ring and grabbed a guitar from beneath the apron. He held it high, aiming to deliver a devastating blow to Dan’s head. But before Tack could strike, Geoff Garrett sprinted down the ramp and slid into the ring. Garrett yanked Tack around, smashing him over the head with the guitar in an explosive counterattack. The crowd erupted in cheers as Garrett rolled out of the ring, leaving Tack dazed and disoriented. Unaware of Garrett’s intervention, Dan seized the opportunity, lifting the barely-standing Tack and executing the Brave Clash. Dan hooked Tack’s leg as the referee counted the pin. 1-2-3!!! Bashin Dan with the defense, thanks to Double G leveling the playing field, and getting some payback on the Star Prince.
Winner: Bashin Dan via Brave Clash -> Pin -> Title Defense! 

Larry Grim: What a showdown! Dan defended like his life depended on it, and when Tack tried to take things too far with that guitar…well, poetic justice hit him hard!"

Apple Kid: That’s right! Geoff Garrett saved Dan from a disastrous headshot. And Dan, totally unaware, hit the Brave Clash to retain the title! Absolute insanity!

Tali Mach: HAHAHAHAHAHA! *clears throat* Sorry, not sorry. Bashin Dan defended with heart from start to finish! That’s why he’s the champ. Tack pulled every trick, but Dan’s resilience came through. A fitting end for a champion’s performance! I'd say that Dan kid will made a decent husband for my daughter...if he has the guts to PULL THE TRIGGER! 

Larry Grim: Well folks, that's Demon Boogie 3 for you! A Happy Halloween from EBW to you! Let's end things with a look at what Joe Bob Briggs, The Story, and The Gamer Girlz are up to! I'm sure it's fun!

Cabin in the woods

Joe Bob Briggs: Well, folks, welcome back to Demon Boogie 3! We've had wrestlers, we had ghouls, we've had the supernatural rampaging through a decaying shack in the woods—what more could ya ask for on a Halloween night? Besides a horror movie watch-a-thon with yours truly I mean. I'd love to finally FINALLY watch Halloween 3, which I've kept off the show specifically because-

Suddenly, the cabin door flew open, and Colby Roads comes sprinting out, closely followed by The Story members CP Munk, LG Rod, and Randy no Kachi. All of them are screaming, covered in scratches and bizarre ectoplasm splatters.

Colby Roads: Oh no, no, no, no! This was supposed to be good for my image! I didn't sign up to get my soul swallowed by some creepy old book, man!

CP Munk: CHEESE IT!

LG Rod stumbles after them, his usually unbreakable bravado shattered as he looks over his shoulder and whimpers at every sound.

LG Rod: I thought I was hardcore, man. This is—this is different! No one told me demons actually laugh!

Randy no Kachi: I am done with demon exorcisms, done! 

LG Rod: YOU SAID THAT LAST TIME! 

Randy no Kachi: IT'S CRAZY THAT IT'S HAPPENED MORE THAN ONCE!

Just then, Alison Chains appeared from behind a tree, half-dressed and holding a cigarette between her fingers. She was unphased by the chaos, grinning at The Story’s horror-stricken faces.

Alison Chains: You guys act like it’s your first haunted cabin or somethin'. Horror amateurs, every last one of ya. The trick is not to touch the demon tree, let the demon tree touch you.

Joe Bob Briggs: See, that’s what I keep tellin' these young 'uns! You never go into the demon-summoning business without a seasoned expert nearby. Lucky for all of you, I just happen to be the go-to guy.

Colby and The Story continued running in circles, clearly traumatized, while Christy Angel casually stepped out from behind Joe Bob, looking unphased. She brushed some dust off her shoulder.

Christy Angel: I had the right idea—stayed right behind Joe Bob the whole time. I mean, come on. Guy’s been standing here this whole time and hasn’t even flinched.

Joe Bob chuckled, throwing an arm around Christy’s shoulder as he gestured to the forest with his other hand.

Joe Bob Briggs: That’s 'cause I’ve seen it all, darlin'. You spend enough time in B-movies and horror flicks, you build a tolerance for these things. Plus, demons don’t waste time on a man with low-budget immunity. And on that note, y’all get a taste of how the pros do it. We’ll be back with more… right after I teach these folks what not to do in a haunted cabin. At least nobody died this ti-

Suddenly a demon vine came out of the woods and stabbed through CP Munk's chest. The blood splattered onto Joe Bob, as Christy ducked behind him. 

Joe Bob Briggs: ...Yeah we're gonna need a medic, I think.

Last edited by Machismo (10/31/2024 2:49 am)