ENN Sports Update

Larry Sportsman: Larry Sportsman here, with my very own desk and green screen, for the ENN Sports Update, something we'll need that we have sports on ENN that aren't Wrestling and the "Beat your Spouse" Cops Marathons we like to run. We now have an update on all the team QBs. They have been personally selected by the coaches, with a draft coming soon to fill out the roster. The rules, which I will remind you are going to be Wrestling 2000 lax, have yet to be finalized. Kind of pushing it on all this aren't we? We should hurry up.

Teams
---------

Saturn City Saturns - Coach Simon S.
QB: Otto Wainkrantz

Twoson Twofers - Coach Everdred
QB: Markus Everdred

Threed Zombies - Coach Doctor Z
QB: Zombie Unitas

Onett Sharks - Coach Franky
QB: Shark #10

Fourside Fantastics - Coach Monotoli
QB: Troy

Mid-South Journeymen - Coach Dick Wagner Sr.
QB: Vick Wagner

Summers Beach Bums - Coach Rose Mulligan
QB: Bobby Blitzworth

North Point Ringers - Coach Paul L.
QB: Broman Gains

Larry Sportsman: We all know that the Beach Bums have a huge advantage here, with Bobby Blitzworth. He's a multi-sport athlete with the accolades to back up his bragging. A good role model too. You could market the hell out of that guy. Put him in a movie with cartoon characters. Whatever. It'd be great! You have to believe that Summers Mayor Harley Rex poured a large pile of money in front of him to get that deal locked down. I mean, I'm just speculating here, I think football players love money a lot. Threed also got a HUGE win, when they found Football legend and former Superb Owl holder Zombie Unitas among the shambling hordes. Let's hope he retained some of that football know how. Say, how are the zombies going to perform? Are they going to bite people when they see bloo-

Doctor Z: Let me stop you RIGHT THERE! We're taking precautions. The mouth guards will be FIRMLY planted in their mouths. They're not coming out. They'll all be tested for human flesh consumption, which I WILL figure out how to do before game time. They're being paid in fly honey, so this is super lucrative to Threed. We can NOT let this end badly. You know how much money it costs to build new arenas?

Larry Sportsman: ....Doctor Z everyone, the Coach of the Threed Zombies. That name is a bit on the nose.

Summers - Office of Mayor Rex

Rose Mulligan pulled up to the building, becoming more lavish with every remodel. Most of the main strip of Summers had become more lavish and modern since the incident months prior. Rose had spent time working at the House of M's/Bad Dudes Dojo, and hadn't been to Summers in some time, but she had every reason to be there today.

Rose Mulligan: So, imagine my surprise when I'm training new recruits at the Dojo, and I hear on the news that I am the coach of a Football team.

Mayor Rex: ...They let just anyone in here these days. Remind me to fire the secretary. I don't care if you have my blood, if you don't have an appointment, you don't get-

Rose Mulligan: I don't have your blood.

Mayor Rex: Oh is that what you think? Is that what your mother told you and Tali to make you feel better? You didn't have to bond over your hatred of me? You might be, you might not be. It doesn't matter. People look at you as one of mine, which has been disappointing to me. You both disappoint me. Tali is going to be humiliated the rest of her life at this rate, but you, you have a chance at redemption here. I know when you were a kid, you used to play ball. You weren't as interested in Wrestling as you would have them believe. It's more marketable to act like it's in your blood, but you're like me, you love Football. It's that love of the game, and your desire to succeed that's going to make you do this.

Rose Mulligan: You think I-

Mayor Rex: Plus, the contract that is in my possession thanks to Tess, that puts Tali under my control, might get ripped up if you win us the Championship. I want that trophy in the all new Summers Sports Stadium. That's the name until we get product placement slapped on it, and I'm NOT calling it the Vape Arena, no matter how many damn phone calls I get!

Rose Mulligan: ....

ENN Sports Update

Larry Sportsman: Welcome back for another Sports Update, I'm Larry Sportsman! We have a full team roster for the Saturn City Saturns. Big news, as I was under the idea that this draft was going to be televised, and I would know who was where, but they did a secret draft or something. Anyways, let's air the comments from Coach Stuart, and see the line up!

-

Coach Simon: I'm delighted to be back in Saturn City, working towards a greater good, and that greater good is sports supremacy. We want the $100,000 Prize. We want that Cup. There is a Cup right? Yes, we want the Cup. I am making sure we have top facilities for this, and we're utilizing some the best from the talent pool. I'm glad to be working with Otto Wainkrantz from Hagen in Euroland. He's going to be our QB, and I was told by Noah Jennings that he is great at Football.

QB Otto Wainkrantz: Guttentag, mine name ist Otto, and I come from Hagen in Euroland, where I play Futbol! This game is like Futbol yes?

Coach Simon: What? Futbol? *sigh* Don't worry, I'll get him ready for this. If it doesn't work out, he'll kick the field goal. Whatever. Here's the rest of my starting line up.Saturn City Saturns

Offense
------------

Quarterback - Otto Wainkrantz
Running Back - T'Variusnuss Balderdash
Wide Receiver - Mynus Opposite
Wide Receiver - Danny Sasoon
Center - Boyette DeWatt
Tight End - Jannider Snoutlick
Left Tackle - Sunset Mitchellham
Right Tackle - Timmy Juckson
Left Guard - Smoochie Williams
Right Guard - D'Squarius Green
Full Back - Leoz Jilliumz

Defense
------------

Defensive Tackle- Javaris Jamar
Defensive Tackle - Davoin Showerhandel
Right Defensive End - Donny Dookmariot
Left Defensive End - Dinkle Muldoon
Free Safety - Xmus Jaxson
Strong Safety - D'Glester Jefferson
Cornerback - Swirvithan Quatro
Cornerback - Beezer Jones
Outside Linebacker - Scoice Maloice
Outside Linebacker - Carlton the Seeker
Middle Linebacker - Jim Collins

Coach Simon: ....Disregard names. Focus on talent. *sigh*

ENN Sports Update

Larry Sportsman: We have two new full rosters! Yes, now that the training camps are underway, and we're hurtling towards opening game day, we're finally figuring out who is playing where. You'll never guess where all the Zombies are. Instead of the Coach this time around, we have Threed Zombies ONLY living player Norman Bongo, a Wide Receiver. Norman?

-

Norman Bongo: This is a mistake! They all smell like death! Are they going to eat me?! HEEEEELP!

Offense
------------

Quarterback - Zombie Unitas
Running Back - Zombie
Wide Receiver - Norman Bongo
Wide Receiver - Zombie
Center - Zombie
Tight End - Zombie
Left Tackle - Zombie
Right Tackle - Zombie
Left Guard - Zombie
Right Guard - Zombie
Full Back - Zomibe

Defense
------------

Defensive Tackle- Zombie
Defensive Tackle - Zombie
Right Defensive End - Zombie
Left Defensive End - Zombie
Free Safety - Zombie
Strong Safety - Zombie
Cornerback - Zombie
Cornerback - Zombie
Outside Linebacker - Zombie
Outside Linebacker - Zombie
Middle Linebacker - Zombie

Larry Sportsman: Now we move onto the Summers team, the Beach Bums, which despite the name, is actually looking to be the early favorites to win the big game at the end of the season. They have Bobby Blitzworth among other high price talents. They also have Rose Mulligan as the coach. The FIRST EVER female Coach in the EFL. Considering this is the first season....it's not a big deal.

-

Rose Mulligan: This isn't Wrestling, this is Football. If you want a statement, just watch our games. We'll produce results on the field.

Offense
------------

Quarterback - Bobby Blitzworth
Running Back - Trix Areforkids
Wide Receiver - Jo Testafuente
Wide Receiver - Ricky Dickman
Center - Bob Fanni
Tight End - Bernt Haas
Left Tackle - Party Machine
Right Tackle - Gil Fishman
Left Guard - Luscious Lucius
Right Guard - Frank Bytch
Full Back - "Tabitha"

Defense
------------

Defensive Tackle- Tim Troutstain
Defensive Tackle - Ars Bandeet
Right Defensive End - Sir Amblin Flecater
Left Defensive End - Chiqui Arce
Free Safety -  Scranton Sharts
Strong Safety - Dunkrod Glunk
Cornerback - Dick Sisler
Cornerback - Ronce Totay
Outside Linebacker - Ben D'Pencil
Outside Linebacker - Starman Indisguise
Middle Linebacker - Lemmicus Brick

ENN Sports Update

Larry Sportsman: Larry Sportsman here, at the desk, with more exciting coverage of the EFL. Season 1 is coming very soon, and we're making history. The cities are building stadiums faster than a hospital in a ground zero viral epidemic. God forgive me. So, onto the news. Like it's been stated before, EFL is planning to keep the rules lax, but as it turns out, people want to know more about these rules we may or may not be following. We're looking at multiple throws behind the line of scrimmage for starters....so yeah...you got that much from me. Also, in lieu of the usual mascots, every team will have an official...uh..."Waifu"? Am I reading that right? "Waifu" Huh? What IS a "Waifu"? Can I get informed on that, while we show off the team roster for the Twoson Twofers?

Offense
------------

Quarterback - Markus Everdread
Running Back - Beezer Washingbeard
Wide Receiver - Fredrick Manderville
Wide Receiver - Mike Lemonjello
Center - T'variousness Salacious Pez
Tight End - SANCHEZ
Left Tackle - El Tackler
Right Tackle - Tyroil Moizoos
Left Guard - D'Jasper Probincrux IV
Right Guard - "The Grundel"
Full Back - Fred Schmed

Defense
------------

Defensive Tackle - Tim Tallywhacker
Defensive Tackle - John Backslashington
Right Defensive End - Torque Lewith
Left Defensive End - &
Free Safety - Donny Sixkiller
Strong Safety - Majestic Mapp
Cornerback - Boink Ahanahue
Cornerback - Quisberny G'dunzoid
Outside Linebacker - Buster Brownce
Outside Linebacker - Logjammer D'Baggageling
Middle Linebacker - Boo Diggit

-

Larry Sportsman: So it's like, a pretty girl, that will be themed around the team? They'll have signature personalities, and look young, but will totally be 18 at the very least? Like Anime? What's an Anime? You're not making a lot of sense here. Oh, we're back. Another EFL rule! Control of the ball will be decided with an opening scramble. Here comes another one! If a touchdown is scored, you can kick for an extra point, or a scrimmage for two points. One more coming at you! If we have a tie game at the end of the game, we go into Sudden Death. First team to score wins. Also, the clock will not stop! It will never stop! During timeouts, the clock will go into slowmo, but it will never stop. It will be relentless, and never allow for hours and hours of commercials and down time. This is football dammit! And now, here are the South Town Howlers.

Offense
------------

Quarterback - Brian Battler
Running Back - Will Barrow
Wide Receiver - Scruff Hymen
Wide Receiver - Grex the Martian
Center - Fred Scooterboost
Tight End - Takeittotha Limit
Left Tackle - Besmirch Jenkins
Right Tackle - Uncle Frank
Left Guard - Golf Shoes
Right Guard - Spiffy Tungston
Full Back - Bismo Dillwad

Defense
------------

Defensive Tackle- Stammering J. Abernathy
Defensive Tackle - Gerry Curl
Right Defensive End - Firstname Lastname
Left Defensive End - Buckrain Politosh
Free Safety - Jeneric Tonguetaste
Strong Safety - Guy Whimper
Cornerback - Stubby Windass
Cornerback - Oracle of Vidunatru
Outside Linebacker - Nogbone Danky
Outside Linebacker - Jimpson Simpson
Middle Linebacker - DaReal Starprince

Office of Noah Jennings

Tack Angel: I'm going to sue him Noah! I'm going to sue him, and run this league into the ground if this injustice isn't dealt with!

Noah Jennings: Whoa! Relax! It's not a big deal!

Tack Angel: "DaReal Starprince"?! That's not a big deal? I AM THE STAR PRINCE! That's me! This is gimmick infringement. This is IDENTITY infringement. He's trying to be me?! I'm going to sue!

Noah Jennings: Tack, that is his REAL name!

Tack Angel: Huh?

Noah Jennings: His parents named him that. It's on his birth certificate. If you want to get technical, he's been going by that name longer than you have.

Tack Angel: ....Not if you...not if you count my past lives....reincarnations and-

Noah Jennings: ...Wouldn't hold up in court.

Tack Angel: Dammit! The Howlers were going to be my fantasy team too! GAH!

Last edited by Machismo (2/11/2020 3:14 pm)

ENN Eagleland Football Week 1 Coverage

Larry Sportsman: Well, it's finally Football season Eagleland! The Eagleland Football League had its first week of games! The attendance...could have been better, but the games, the games were....mostly good. I'm too honest for my own good. Let's bring in my broadcast colleague for this one. GR! 

GR: Imma gonna learn you about some of that old school Sooner Football!

Larry Sportsman: No GR, this is the EFL!

GR: Oh right, it's that's NEW league on the block huh? Well let's check it all out.

Larry Sportsman: That's what we're here for. ENN had a full day of games! 10 HOURS of Football! That beats those reruns right?! Right?! Eh?

Summers(0-1)[x] @ Fourside (1-0)[o] (21-7) Player of the Game: Troy

Larry Sportsman: This game was brutal for the Beach Bums. The team didn't seem to have cohesion, while the Fantastics were large and in charge. The Troy lead team had 263 Passing Yards compared to 140 for the Bums. The Rose Mulligan coached Beach Bums DID have an edge in Sacks, as Troy pushed by his own players, and opened himself up to it on 5 separate occasions.

GR: That Troy's got a mouth on him too!

Larry Sportsman: Said a lot of things we could NEVER repeat. Rose Mulligan and Summers QB Bobby Blitzworth need to get their team together for next week, or this is going to be a brutal season.

North Point(1-0)[o] @ Mid-South(0-1)[x] (20-17) Player of the Game: Broman Gains

Larry Sportsman: This was a much closer game. A lot more fun for me. The high strung snobs of the north, and the good ol' boys of Mid-South.

GR: And BAH GAWD I bet my Journeymen won outright!

Larry Sportsman: ...They did not. Though they had more passing yards, but Broman and the Ringers got the job done.

Saturn City(1-0)[o] @ Onett(0-1)[x] (24-17) Player of the Game: Otto Wainkrantz

Larry Sportsman: A very solid outing here as well. First week out, and Otto Wainkrantz seems to have it all figured out. Franky and the Sharks received too many flags on the field. Flags everywhere.

GR: They normally have parades for those.

Larry Sportsman: No GR. FLAGS.

GR: Right. Right. Right.

South Town(0-1)[x] @ Threed(1-0)[o] (20-26) Player of the Game: Zombie

Larry Sportsman: How the hell did this happen?! An entire team of the dead, and one living guy. They managed to narrowly route the rough and rowdy Howlers. I think Zombies must be easy to instruct? That's got to be it right?

River City(0-1)[x] @ Twoson(1-0)[o] (14-34) Player of the Game: Markus Everdread

Larry Sportsman: Markus Everdread was MY pick for Player of the Week entirely. The youngster is all talent. 74% Completion on passes. That stat can go up, but for a new league with new rules, I'd say it was a good first outing for sure.

GR: I like his dread locks!

Larry Sportsman: Thanks GR. Thanks. So there you have it. New arenas. New teams. A new Football league in Eagleland. We've only just begun. The $100,000 is still weeks away. It's still any team's game.

GR: OH FLAGS!

Last edited by Machismo (2/16/2020 8:00 pm)